Board 8 > join me as I read through my recent haul of old bargain bin sci-fi novels.

(+) Yeah! (+)

I just spent $8 on these books. All of them are pretty short. I'm gonna give little updates as I go along. No spoilers, please! (Because I'm sure you've all read these books already. /s)

The one book not listed in the poll is a collection of short fantasy stories, so maybe I'll just sprinkle those in as I go!

https://imgur.com/a/huKHj

Islands of space for sure.
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voted star smashers because I like the title / logo the most.
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Voted Star Smashers because of Harry Harrison
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I pretty much expected Star Smashers to get the popular vote. I'll start reading tonight and get at least an introductory post done.

Book One

Star Smashers of the Galaxy Rangers
by Harry Harrison
1973
(First time in paperback!)

(...back cover...bolding the important bits)

The Prank...

...That Became Inter-galactic Mayhem

Chuck and Jerry, a couple of fun-loving students at State, happen upon a faster-than-light space drive and smuggle it into the football team's plane. They, together with pert Sally, crusty Pop and lovable Old John view with horror a practical joke gone awry as the plane screams off to Titan, a frozen moon of Saturn. But that's only the beginning. When lovable Old John's true and awful identity becomes known, a wild battle across the Universe and through centuries ensues, catapulting friends and deadly foes into the midst of a yarn spun from the grandest tradition of the classic "space opera".

oh my god
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These are two college students who are literally geniuses who have invented half a dozen things in their shed which are like earth shattering technology, and one of them (Chuck) comes from an incredibly wealthy family, yet they are both attending "a State College" in a place called Pleasantville. >__>

They were messing around by testing their new invention on a block of cheese and it blasted the neighbors cat 80 miles away without harming it.

Chuck's father became a millionaire selling cheese.

It did not take very long for lovable Old John's true and awful identity to become known.

They thought he was just a lowly, elderly janitor. But he's actually a lieutenant of the Soviet Secret Police.

"Oh."

Also Sally has been overly sexualized at every opportunity so far.

I think you mean pert Sally.
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Alright so lovable Old John (real name Johann) interrupts the boys' attempt to test their invention on the football team's airplane by pulling a gun, forcing them each into separate bathrooms, and then welding the doors shut.

But of course one of our heroes just makes a bomb using soap and plastic and easily frees all of them.

They attempt to take back the cockpit and trigger their invention to transport them to a specific place which won't leave the plane with enough fuel to "fly to Russia or Siberia or Cuba".

buuuut a miscalculation is made and we end up on Titan. Or just above it anyway. But no worries, perfect landing.

Also while they are landing and the spy Johann is tied up, they literally convince him to desert and be on the American side in like 5 seconds. And he's immediately all fired up and ready to vote in elections and eat hot dogs at baseball games. (not making up examples here. he says these things.)

Titan has life forms on it with "tentacles, hideous beaks, and four bulging eyes". And they start attacking the plane. Despite Titan being -200 degrees, the guys put on football uniforms, pads, and helmets, and go out onto its surface armed with the gun, the welding torch, and an emergency axe. Oh and they strap the emergency oxygen tanks onto their waists. This is like ghostbusters shit.

Oh and pert Sally sews gloves out of cheerleader uniforms to keep their hands warm. wow.

They slaughter so many Titanians that it forms a "forty-foot high mountain of corpses".

They win the fight but Sally is kidnapped. They chase them right to the big lair where the king lives. Sally is frozen solid now.

The Titanians have been listening to Earth radio broadcasts for years and waiting for them to arrive so that they can capture a space vessel, travel back to Earth, and steal all the oxygen.

John kills the king with a perfect shot between the eyes and they rescue Sally.

Our boys make it back to the plane and rig up a ridiculous way to get the plane to work again (there's lots of frozen oxygen in the king's lair.)

They try to get back to earth but John miscalculates because empirical/metric (lol) which sends them to a totally different solar system and planet.

Sally is still frozen solid in the back of the plane.

We fall toward the planet and realize a war is going on. One of the two sides looks more similar to humans than the other, so the earthmen decide to help out the humanoids by chucking all the seats out of the plane onto the enemy.

We meet these humanoids and they also have listened to Earth radio broadcasts for many years and know perfect Russian and English.

We hear the sob story of the 10,000 year war that has been going on and decide to help out.

Sally is still frozen solid.

A++ would read again.
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Wow....just....I need to invent a time machine and try to sell my stories in 1970. If this is what got published in that day, I should be a shoo-in to win over the masses.
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turbopuns2 posted...

They, together with pert Sally, crusty Pop and lovable Old John view with horror a practical joke gone awry as the plane screams off to Titan, a frozen moon of Saturn.

Wait, wtf. I have not met any crusty Pop.

jesus christ
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Not gonna lie, this sounds better than quite a few books I have read.
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That actually sounds amazing.
Terrible.
Yet amazing.
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This sounds like an anime
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Jk, the humanoids lied about the radio thing. They actually just read minds but lied about it to avoid offending the earthmen. But we're still bros with them.

John knew stuff about reviving frozen people because Russia, and saved Sally using the humanoids tech.

A 10,000 year war was ended the same day we landed by rigging up their invention (the cheddite projector) to something that let them aim it at the opposing army and drop them into a nearby ocean.

Seriously, we took out a "battalion of attacking vehicles", 40,000 foot soldiers, and literally an entire physical fort, the day was won.

But miraculously, as they're preparing for the victory feast, a random baddie just pops into their fort through a secret trap door, snatches up Sally, and escapes back out the way he came. Kidnapped again.

turbopuns2 posted...

One of the two sides looks more similar to humans than the other, so the earthmen decide to help out the humanoids

wow ok this might actually be the worst thing in the book so far. zero investigation into what the two species are actually like before picking a side, just "looks like us = good guys"?
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Essentially yes. It's really presented as two things, the fact the other side is repulsive looking and also to a lesser extent the fact that the humanoids are the ones being attacked.

Dammit Sally.
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Sally needs to get her shit together
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Plot twist!

John kicked the trap door we previously couldn't open from the inside...but this time it randomly opened, so he climbed right into it without telling anyone else at all that he was going.

He immediately got bonked on the head and knocked out. When he wakes up, Sally is there as well as some of the bad guys.

The bad guy leader is among them and explains that the humanoids are actually pretty stupid, like the equivalent of cows or sheep, but are under constant mind control from the true baddies of the planet who remain hidden at all times.

The previously-bad-turned-good guys are super smart and actually did listen to radio broadcasts from Earth to learn the language....and they also invented brain shields which protect from the evil remote mind control dudes.

Once John has been briefed on the situation (and apologized for wiping out "ninety-nine point nine percent" of the population), they set a plan in motion to get the cheddite projector and use it for the opposite side now.

But the mind control dudes have caught on and taken over Chucks brain and force him to try to kill John once he's back on the plane. Just knocks him out though, but chuck makes off with the cheddite projector and gives it to the (new, actual) baddies.

As they make their evil getaway from the planet (with mind controlled Chuck in tow), John, Jerry, Sally, and the ruler of the good guy brain shield people sit in the airplane and contemplate their next move.

Also people almost died because Sally took off her brain shield to comb her hair.

And that marks 50% through the book.

Calling it a night but I'll have to pick this back up soon.

Wow, that actually steamrolls some of the bad plot points earlier in the book. Maybe it will turn out to be good in a cheesy sort of way
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Someone make this into a movie
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There were clues about them being like cows actually.

At the victory feast they eat...grass. it's made explicitly clear like "yeah wow that grass is definitely grass"

And the "sob story" I mentioned about the war was partially inspired by them showing a video of the new good guys cutting up and eating the humanoids....it's because they're literally like the equivalent of cows.

A bump for our diurnal friends

that is certainly a ride. Geez. Still sounds like terrible writing, but curious nonetheless. Have to wonder what the point of the bit on Titan is if it ended up being mostly inconsequential and we just warp to somewhere else. Only long-term consequence was that Sally was frozen, and that got remedied. I guess there was some plot development with Mr. Soviet Spy in the meanwhile, but still...
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this is amazing
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So far this has been quite entertaining. I hope sally gets kidnapped a third time.
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Anagram posted...

So far this has been quite entertaining. I hope sally gets kidnapped a third time.

Predictions are welcomed! Wish I could make polls within individual posts without needing to create a new topic.

Can you post some quotes showing how pert Sally has been sexualized so far?
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Has pert Sally had sex with any of our heroes yet?
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No mention of sex, but she's kissed both Chuck and Jerry, and it's been explicitly stated that all three of them (spy included) are in love with her.

I'll dig up some quotes after work.

Alright two examples is all I really felt up to:

Sally is introduced in the second paragraph. Here is the dialogue without the other descriptive stuff in between:

Chuck: "Come on Jerry. The old particle accelerator is fired up and rarin' to go!" (first line of the book)
Jerry: "I'm fired up and rarin' to go too." (into Sally's ear. he starts kissing her repeatedly on the cheek and wraps his hands around her waist)
Sally: (pushes his face away) "Silly! You know that I like Chuck just as much as I like you." (she walks away with a "saucy" toss of her hair)

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Later, once they're on the plane but haven't explained to Sally yet what exactly it is they're testing:

*Chuck and Jerry working in the cockpit*

(paraphrase): "Oh, we left that one part we need in the car."

Chuck: "I'll go get it."

He made his way back through the [...] plane [...] when a voice called to him.

"Chuck. Over here."

It was Sally, sitting by a window and beckoning him toward her, the last light of day touching her sweet profile with gold. He went over to her, and she smiled.

"There's something I want to show you," she said, and when he was close, she pulled forward the top of her scoopneck dress. "No bra," she husked.

Even in that dim light the blush that suffused Chuck's fair skin could be seen as a rising tide of scarlet. Yet, despite his shyness, his reflexes were still hard at work.

"Not until you tell me what the new invention is." Sally laughed saucily, slapping aside his questing wrist as she pushed shut the neck of her dress.

"Sally, honey, you know I can't, gee, we have an oath..."

"I have something twice as good as an oath," she murmured, pulling her dress forward again. "See? The invention?"

"It's, well, hard to say." His voice was thick and turgid.

"You'll find a way." She guided his hand. "Here, this will help."

Chuck immediately starts telling her what she wants to know, and that's when they get interrupted by the introduction of lovable Old John.

Jesus Christ, this is gold.

Years ago I bought some cheap old sci-fi novels, but they were just crap. This is so much better.
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Is "saucy" the author's favorite word?
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I don't think he used "saucy" any more but maybe I'm just forgetting.

Jerry remembered that Chuck packed sandwiches with them onto the plane, and thought to use the cheddar cheese on them to power a new cheddite projector which they would soon build.

But Sally ate the cheese sandwiches.

So they pumped her stomach to get the cheese out and gave her a bunch of miniature airplane vodkas to help her cope.

...
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Some quick catching up on facts so that I can explain stuff more easily:

Domite - the planet we landed on
Ormoloo - cow things (the "humanoids" we helped)
Lortonoi - bad guys (hidden mind controllers)
Garnishee - good guys (originally bad guys)
Slug-Togath - Garnishee ruler

so anyway, Slug-Togath hooked us up with all kinds of crazy space tech. We built a second cheddite projector and are powering it with the cheese we retrieved from Sally's stomach.

We know generally where the Lortonoi were headed (their home star) and we pursued them to hopefully rescue Chuck.

On the way we encounter a 3 v 1 fight between spaceships. We communicate with them and determine the solo ship is a good guy, so we blast the other 3 into the nearest star with the cheddite projector.

The pilot comes aboard our ship:

Lord Prrsi, for all his calm and civilized voice when he had spoken through Jerry's body, was a monster. Imagine if you can a twenty-foot-long coal-black chitin-armored, barb-tailed, and claw-rattling scorpion. If you can imagine that, you will have about half an idea of what this alien life form looked like. Not only that, but he was hot.

(hot is italicized)

It's meant literally though. He comes from a super hot planet of scorpion people which had a tribal split a long time ago. One type (like Prrsi) is black and the other is white. The white ones don't really hold up to the heat well and are literally crazy and stupid because their brains get kinda fried. And once we land on their planet to meet with their king there's several racial remarks made about the white tribe.

Fortunately we have a spy in their information agency who found out that Chuck, after refusing to cooperate with the Lortonoi, was sent off to work in a slave mine. It's one of those "nobody has ever come out alive" deals.

So Jerry has volunteered to be sold into slavery in order to get into the mine and lead a revolt which will need to coincide with an attack from the outside of the mine, as an attempt to rescue Chuck.

If nothing else, this book is ambitious.
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Have you figured out who or what crusty Pop is yet?
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Eerieka posted...

Have you figured out who or what crusty Pop is yet?

No.

This book seems all over the place. It's constantly adding new subplots and characters, I like it.
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turbopuns2 posted...

Eerieka posted...

Have you figured out who or what crusty Pop is yet?

No.

I'm going to assume it's an invisible companion that we've never seen and we won't see until the very end when it's revealed that you, the reader, was Pop the whole time.
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- The Plan -

The scorpion people have more advanced brain shields which work discreetly by being...snorted. Oh yeah I forgot to mention.....they learned English from BBC broadcasts.

Anyway they stuff a bunch of these tiny brain shields into Jerry's purple(?) jock strap and sell him to a slave trader. He gets into the mine and is immediately knocked over the head by Chuck, who has been reduced to stereotypical caveman status after the extensive mind control.

Also the stuff they're mining is "a drug one sniff of which will render the sniffer an addict for life". But it only affects you if you have chitin. And if you do have chitin, it kills you after a while.

Soooo...Jerry knocks a bunch of slaves out and holds their mouths/noses shut until right before they pass out, then lets their nose open a little and holds one of the snortable mind shields up to them so that it's inhaled. Eventually they have enough numbers to organize.

Somehow, and this is never explained, Jerry uses an "incredibly tiny, yet exceedingly powerful subetheric radio" which was embedded into one of his teeth, to signal out to the ship to start the attack.

They break free (the cheddite projector blasts everything out of their way) and then Jerry's like "wait, shit, where is Chuck?" and the people on the ship are like "there's no time!" but Jerry runs back in and gets Chuck and when they make it outside again the people decided not to wait around.

So we're stuck. Also, this planet is called Haggis.

This cheddite stuff reminds me of Chex Quest-like advertising. Was this book secretly written by Cheez-It?
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