Board 8 > Less Interesting Life of PerfectChaosZ

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I wonder when things in my life will ever turn around or if its too late for that and this is the course of my life. Im going to BlogFAQs and I dont know why. Im just so lost, melancholic and full of regrets. If Ive ever had a fight with you on here its probably because Im a deeply unhappy person and its a good way to distract myself for a little while. Ill probably be embarrassed to post this later.

I had a horrible home life growing up. I always figured Id be a good parent because you couldnt do much worse. My mom and dad finally went through a horrible divorce after a horrible marriage from the time I was sixteen till I was freshly 18. Dad kicked mom out of the house and for a slew of other issues kicked me out too. At least I graduated High School but it was from a crappy Christian Academy where they taught nothing. I was in my first year of college on student loans. Around the same time my partner wasnt able to continue staying at their home so I figure two birds one stone and we got a place together. I had to drop out of college due to having to get a job to support us and thats history. The student loans also wanted that money back which I hadnt counted on. I took odd jobs for years surviving paycheck to paycheck just getting by. Warehouses, restaurants, manual labor, tech support, janitor, if its low class Ive done it. I eventually reconciled with my dad a little but now hes basically infirm. My mom I saw little of after she left but I saw her a few times before she died of a massive overdose.

Just like my parents Ive struggled with crippling addiction off and on just to deal with how bleak things are. But I found a job working for this restaurant six years ago and it was going well. Ive basically done every job in that place slowly working my way up from a wage of $8.75 to $11 over time. I worked for that man so long I even moved closer and started renting a house directly from him. It seems cruel that I never received a check where my wage was $11 because right after that the COVID Pandemic happened. And it was a struggle. Of course my job shut down. My landlord/boss told me Id have my position back once all this was over and did some remodeling to the place. At the time we had no idea how long it was gonna last.

Ive been without a car for a few years and thats kinda required for life. Especially in the Deep South where theres no public transportation whatsoever and its basically a barren hot wasteland here. Id do anything to leave this state but Ill probably just waste away here forever. Anyway, I got a car and had to take care of my infirm dad and my disabled partner. Ive been looking for a job for a while but it all just seems so bleak for lack of a better term.

My boss/landlord had assured me that when the restaurant reopened it would be a palace since as late as last month. But he just told me that its never reopening. It didnt survive the pandemic. And that was just such a slap in the face. All that time I worked there, walked there, learned how that place worked, and slowly earned several various raises finally up to a meager $11 an hour. All useless now. And what am I going to do? Find another odd job, start over at like McDonalds, work menial labor in a warehouse again?

Im 34 and have done nothing with my life. Nothing I can be proud of. I didnt finish college and all Ive ever done is struggle. I wanted to have kids someday when I was more financially stable. Thats a laugh because it just never happens. I blew through what savings I had in the first months of pandemic before the stimulus or unemployment kicked in. So fast. The stress of the pandemic has probably ended my relationship that Ive been in my entire life. My dad is infirm and needs constant care. And I look around and wonder why. What could I have done differently. I have nothing and nobody. No prospects for the future, no chance of getting a better job than the menial drudgery of a barely surviving check to check pay at some hellhole again where I can just dissociate and wake up eight years later and realize that that money came as quick as I got it and I have nothing to show for it. And I should be happy to find even a job like that thatll take me at my age with no skill, no talent, no anything but my slowly breaking down body that I never had enough money to maintain. No certification that I can do anything anyway and thats all that matters in this world. Its been a really crazy ride sometimes but now more often than not Im thinking about getting off the ride. I wonder what could be next for me. I always think theres going to be good times ahead eventually but now I wonder when. Was I really just deluding myself for years just to keep going and to what end. Everything Ive ever done seems like a waste of time, time Ill never get back, time when other people were somehow making it work and I was barely coping with poverty or my own mental issues. Its so unfair even tho that sounds like whining. Everything in the world seems to be trending towards getting worse. Everyone I know is having a hard time.

Even two of my pets died within days of each other. Two pets that we got together around the same time fifteen years ago when we first moved into a ramshackle place together. That was about a week and a half ago and it was devastating. Those pets have been like my kids in lieu of actually having kids. They were just old and Ive been cuddling my next oldest a lot. But its like god we were together so long that my pets lived out a natural lifespan. I loved them so much. Ive been crying nonstop. And I couldnt have gotten through it without my partner or ex-partner or whatever we are. But I dont know if thats enough to erase the baggage and the stress thats been on our relationship lately.

Im sorry. I dont even know why I posted what turned out to be a rant. I just wanted to be heard I guess. Im so stressed and chronically depressed. Hope someone out there is having a good life.

Do you need a hug? I can give you a hug.

Really sorry to hear all that. That's... rough. I really don't know what to tell you other than I hope it improves...
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I hear you and acknowledge you and your struggles. I'm sorry you've had it so rough, sending all the love.

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I normally don't post in these kind of things and I don't know if this is what you want to hear but this is my advice.

Continue your normal life but dedicate almost all of your free time to learning a practical skill with job opportunities that you don't need a college degree (my advice would be coding). Just do it for 3-6 months until you feel like you understand the basics. Then just start interviewing like crazy until you find something, anyone that will take you in at an entry level. Once your in you can get experience and learn on the job until you are actually good enough to get an entry level position easily and then your set.

An entry level coding position will easily pay more than whatever else you can find. I won't say this path will be easy (learning coding is hard for some, not so bad for others but it really depends how much free time you have. Finding a job may be tricky). But honestly I think you just need a drastic change so that you at least have hope it will get better

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Really sorry to hear that, dude. Sometimes life just deals you a bad hand. I hope your situation will get better.

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Hey man thanks for sharing your story and I hope things get better. Grit and determination are assets themselves and you seem to have a lot of it even though you feel like your supply is dwindling. If this community can be a source of support or reprieve in any way, that's wonderful.

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Colegreen_c12 posted...

I normally don't post in these kind of things and I don't know if this is what you want to hear but this is my advice.

Continue your normal life but dedicate almost all of your free time to learning a practical skill with job opportunities that you don't need a college degree (my advice would be coding). Just do it for 3-6 months until you feel like you understand the basics. Then just start interviewing like crazy until you find something, anyone that will take you in at an entry level. Once your in you can get experience and learn on the job until you are actually good enough to get an entry level position easily and then your set.

An entry level coding position will easily pay more than whatever else you can find. I won't say this path will be easy (learning coding is hard for some, not so bad for others but it really depends how much free time you have. Finding a job may be tricky). But honestly I think you just need a drastic change so that you at least have hope it will get better

Coding? It's interesting that you say that because I recently attended a few amateur coding classes I was offered. I'm quite savvy in a lot of technical issues but I don't have any sort of certification to that effect and that's basically all jobs usually care about. Is that not the case with coding work? I wouldn't even know where to start looking for a coding job. But thank you so much for the practical advice.

To the rest of you who posted, thank you all so much for boosting me up some. I was in a really bad spot when I posted this and, while it isn't much better, I'm at least trying to feel better and these replies helped immensely.

If coding is interesting to you, then absolutely pursue it. I'm sure there are a ton of free classes as well that can get you on the right path to implement those skills for $$$.

PerfectChaosZ posted...

Is that not the case with coding work? I wouldn't even know where to start looking for a coding job

I mean a degree/certifications would help but aren't necessary. Skillsets are more important than anything, if you learn some of the popular languages and practice the common questions and whiteboard questions you should be able to snag something. Just make sure your resume has the skills listed. A personal project would be ideal.

Not going to say it will be easy but once you get one job and have a work history in the field it should be manageable.

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Sorry to hear about everything that has happened to you, PerfectChaosZ. I truly hope everything turns around for you and that you get to enjoy your life more than you have been allowed to so far. Rooting for you.

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