Poll of the Day > How much fighting is healthy in a relationship and why do so many people get

(+) Yeah! (+)

Back with exs frequently?

I haven't been in a healthy relationship before so I'm not entirely sure what a healthy level of fighting is but my friends all regularly get into fights with their SOs, have a big break up and then a week later get back together. This usually ranges from weekly to monthly. It seems like an unhealthy amount of fighting and the fact that they breakup and get back together so much just blows my mind, how many breakups do you need to know that it won't work?

Fighting in general isn't healthy, and people get back with their exes as they remember the good times and miss them. You can't get the good times without dealing with the bad and people think they can take the bad when they're not dealing with it any more.

Kyuubi4269 posted...

Fighting in general isn't healthy, and people get back with their exes as they remember the good times and miss them. You can't get the good times without dealing with the bad and people think they can take the bad when they're not dealing with it any more.

I thought some fighting was normal, you aren't going to see eye to eye on everything with your SO after all.

Depends on the individuals, depends on the fighting.

Some couples are constantly arguing, but it's the way they both express themselves and it doesn't really leave lasting damage. Other couples may almost never fight and constantly go out of their way to compromise or mediate with each other, so the fights they do have are bad and leave really deep scars.

The real problem is when one of those types winds up with another of those types, so the passive one is constantly getting emotionally battered by an aggressive type that doesn't even realize there's a problem.

And then there's the people who are so pathologically terrified of ever fighting that they turn themselves into victimized conflict-avoidant doormats to avoid ever disagreeing, doing far more harm to themselves and their lives than any fight would have.

Like most things in life, context is everything. And you kind of need to judge cases on an individual bases rather than just making sweeping absolutist statements about stuff (which are almost always entirely wrong).

Getting into disagreements is normal is a relationship, but actual fighting is not.

ParanoidObsessive posted...

Depends on the individuals, depends on the fighting.

Some couples are constantly arguing, but it's the way they both express themselves and it doesn't really leave lasting damage. Other couples may almost never fight and constantly go out of their way to compromise or mediate with each other, so the fights they do have are bad and leave really deep scars.

The real problem is when one of those types winds up with another of those types, so the passive one is constantly getting emotionally battered by an aggressive type that doesn't even realize there's a problem.

And then there's the people who are so pathologically terrified of ever fighting that they turn themselves into victimized conflict-avoidant doormats to avoid ever disagreeing, doing far more harm to themselves and their lives than any fight would have.

Like most things in life, context is everything. And you kind of need to judge cases on an individual bases rather than just making sweeping absolutist statements about stuff (which are almost always entirely wrong).

This about sums it up. You can't really make blanket statements beyond "try to be happy overall" and "try not to hurt people." I would say routinely breaking up over fights and then getting back together is generally not a good thing, but that's not necessarily a matter of fighting too much so much as it is a matter of needing to learn how to resolve those fights without running away from them.

DeSantis2024 posted...

Getting into disagreements is normal is a relationship, but actual fighting is not.

To add to this; getting into disagreements is normal and healthy as long as a resolution is reached.

Personally, I only need one breakup to know that it wont work Thats assuming the breakup was due to relationship issues, and. Or something like moving or whatever

As for fighting, people in relationships shouldnt be fighting. Having an argument or disagreement happens. Its normal. Not having them is fine, as well

But like PO said, context is everything

Depends on the people involved.

Muscles posted...

Back with exs frequently?

Because feelings don't go away? Or they have an incentive, like a monetary concern or a kid? Or maybe the sex is just that good?

Then you have all the people scared of dying alone. Women past a certain age know that it's a lot harder to find a new relationship.

Love is attack chaos. Nobody knows what is gonna happen. Sometimes people argue a lot and everything is fine. Sometimes people argue and the whole relationship ends and everyone dies. You just never know. Its called love.

Why do people get back with their exes frequently, literally convenience, money, kids, friend groups any number of conveniences.
I rarely rarely argue with my wife, we've had less fights then years together, compatibility is key to a long term happy and successful relationship.