Current Events > Marriage Experts of CE, what advice do you have?

(+) Yeah! (+)

I am freshly engaged and getting married late next year.

We're already well into planning and doing well. What advice do you have CE?

Don't cheat

Irony posted...

Don't cheat

This time I swear.

Cheat.

• Figure out how you are going to handle your money. I strongly recommend a setup where you have a shared account and also both have individual accounts for "fun money" to fund your hobbies and socialising with your friends without feeling like it's compromising the household's finances. We pool all income into the shared account and send out a fixed weekly budget from it into our personal accounts.
• Never, ever say or do something cruel with the intention of hurting your partner, even if you're pissed off. That stuff can be remembered forever.

I read a couple books before getting married, and the best one was probably:
John M. Gottman - The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (this is very research based and practical)

You dont have to spend every free moment you have together. Have your own hobbies and interests, do your own thing every now and then. Have some individualism for your sanity and health of the relationship.

Been married going on 19 years now.

I'll just say...Make sure you both have an outlet.

MabusIncarnate posted...

You dont have to spend every free moment you have together. Have your own hobbies and interests, do your own thing every now and then. Have some individualism for your sanity and health of the relationship.

Been married going on 19 years now.

This is what I was going to say. I got divorced after 16 years, and this was the biggest mistake. I am much more of an individual with my current gf.

Oh, also as soon as something bothers you at all, no matter how minor, bring it up in a constructive manner with *I* statements about how you feel, not accusatory *you* statements. But you can't let little things fester because they grow in time.

Sonic Cannon posted...

Figure out how you are going to handle your money.

That isn't something we had considered, but it's a very good point. Thank you!

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

Thank you! We've been doing things our own way for a long while. We're actually discussing a marriage prep course/counseling.

MabusIncarnate posted...

You dont have to spend every free moment you have together. Have your own hobbies and interests, do your own thing every now and then. Have some individualism for your sanity and health of the relationship.

Been married going on 19 years now.

We already do! We don't live together currently (she cares for her mom and sister so we each have our own place).
We do things together, but we also have separate things. For instance we both play D&D but with different groups, we both game (she's xbox I'm playstation), we both read but not usually the same books.

We've been together on and off for 13 years now.

Expert advice? Don't get married.

AwesomeFawful posted...

Expert advice? Don't get married.

I understand that marriage isn't for everyone.
However I will either spend the rest of my life with this woman, or alone.
That much I know.

live a lifestyle that is below your means. allow your and/or your partner's occasional splurges to be splurges, and not impacts on your ability to maintain that lifestyle

because there will be impacts and the biggest ones will be totally out of your control

the more you feel like it's the two of you working together to deal with those, the happier you'll both be

meestermj posted...

However I will either spend the rest of my life with this woman, or alone.
That much I know.

Why would you say that? I am hopeful your marriage lasts, but sometimes stuff happens, and there is life after divorce.

When your wife tells you to jackhammer her you jackhammer her good goddamnit.

bsp77 posted...

Why would you say that? I am hopeful your marriage lasts, but sometimes stuff happens, and there is life after divorce.

Eh, no, I get it. I'm on my last HP, emotionally speaking. Very happy with this girl, I can expect it to last, but I won't recover if it doesn't. The emotional toll from my last relationship corroded some stuff up in my wetworks, and it doesn't feel like it healed back properly.

Ving_Rhames posted...

I'll just say...Make sure you both have an outlet.

Sexual or emotional?

Guide posted...

Eh, no, I get it. I'm on my last HP, emotionally speaking. Very happy with this girl, I can expect it to last, but I won't recover if it doesn't. The toll from my last relationship corroded some stuff up in my wetworks, and it doesn't feel like it healed back properly.

I have been with 3 people that I thought would last forever, and each was actually a better experience than the previous - my marriage of 16 years (20 years together), my ex gf of 2 years, and now my current gf of 1.5 years. I can't believe how much more perfect my current relationship is than the previous two, so I can't imagine having given up.

But, uh, what does the bolded mean?

Don't say hurtful things to her. Women don't forget

Plan a life together with common goals

Be fair but loving

Compliments go a long way

Keep things interesting. Random trips flowers...even an inexpensive picnic in the park.

Try and walk away during an argument cool off then calmly explain what you want to address

bsp77 posted...

Why would you say that? I am hopeful your marriage lasts, but sometimes stuff happens, and there is life after divorce.

The way I see it, those are my two options.
I've tried dating and tried being with someone else.
I simply can't.
So I'll either be happy alone or happy with her.

coolcono posted...

Sexual or emotional?

Emotional. Communication is key, but sometimes before you allow cooler heads to prevail in a bad moment, communication can be extremely costly and can lead to irrevocable damage. Make sure you've got a way to give yourself and your partner some space/time when need be. Address whatever issue arose (There will be some, bad days, bad times, and bad timing happens) after you've both given yourself a chance to think harder on something.

Never run from your problems, but always pick your battles.

bsp77 posted...

I have been with 3 people that I thought would last forever, and each was actually a better experience than the previous - my marriage of 16 years (20 years together), my ex gf of 2 years, and now my current gf of 1.5 years. I can't believe how much more perfect my current relationship is than the previous two, so I can't imagine having given up.

But, uh, what does the bolded mean?

Like, it did some real, actual damage to my brain, in some capacity.

On a brighter note, I can relate to your fortune: With my current girl, I'm starting to wonder if "relationships are about compromise" is just a thing people tell themselves to feel better. It's so... effortlessly great, right now.

Don't...but if you do and plan to have kids, make sure you're aligned in how you want to raise your kid(s)

Guide posted...

Like, it did some real, actual damage to my brain, in some capacity.

On a brighter note, I can relate to your fortune: With my current girl, I'm starting to wonder if "relationships are about compromise" is just a thing people tell themselves to feel better. It's so... effortlessly great, right now.

Oh! Wetworks sounded more, uh, phallic.

But good for you! And I agree about the compromise part. When it is truly right, you can both be yourselves, and doing things together is more natural. You might compromise on little stuff like what to eat or what to watch on a given night, but relationships should NOT be really hard work, despite that common saying.

Just be nice to each other. Don't go to bed angry. If you're actually compatible, it's pretty easy.

Guide posted...

Like, it did some real, actual damage to my brain, in some capacity.

On a brighter note, I can relate to your fortune: With my current girl, I'm starting to wonder if "relationships are about compromise" is just a thing people tell themselves to feel better. It's so... effortlessly great, right now.

It is about compromise as you do need to take someone else into account other than yourself.

But that compromise should lead to a better life overall and it should still feel like something you want to do overall if that makes sense.

I find it nuts how I know couples where it seems like they don't want to hang out with each other at all. I just don't get that attitude.

If you are not being you or shes not being herself it wont work out.

Punished_Blinx posted...

I find it nuts how I know couples where it seems like they don't want to hang out with each other at all. I just don't get that attitude.

I rarely see that. I see couples who never ever do things separately and I find that concerning.