Current Events > How far is too far is cutting people out of your life?

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So what if you are a sole supporter of a sick elderly or a disabled person in your family and they express an opinion or an idea you strongly disagree with. Would it be cool to immediately stop supporting them? For example imagine if they don't believe that gay people should get married. Would you just cut them off? And this is for the people who believes it is OK to cut people out of their lives.

I cut someone out of my life for saying "Digimon is better than Pokmon". Never spoke to my brother, again, after he said it. Ignored his invite for his Wedding, and subsequent two Christenings.
You have to stand close to your convictions, in my opinion -- otherwise what type of example will you be setting? I'm not letting such a person with terrible taste near me, or my family.

With a literal blade

Irony posted...

With a literal blade

...or a chainsaw

If someone was awful enough to deserve getting cut out of my life I wouldn't get into the position that I was the sole caretaker.

Murder is probably a bit much

You play for the Philadelphia Flyers or Washington Capitals

Michael_Booth posted...

I cut someone out of my life for saying "Digimon is better than Pokmon". Never spoke to my brother, again, after he said it. Ignored his invite for his Wedding, and subsequent two Christenings.
You have to stand close to your convictions, in my opinion -- otherwise what type of example will you be setting? I'm not letting such a person with terrible taste near me, or my family.

Lol that's wild.

PoundGarden posted...

Murder is probably a bit much

Maybe.

Michael_Booth posted...

Obviously it's a joke post, but criticism of something you like isn't a criticism of you. You are not the clothes you wear yadda yadda.

The first thing to do--no matter what you relationship is--is to get out of the position of being the sole caretaker of anyone. Even if you are the single parent to a small child, you still need like daycare or a babysitter or something to take some of that load off.

For an elderly relative, you need to realistically know what your limits and boundaries are, and you need to make those known when you have them figured out. Eventually Mom or Dad or your Aunt or whoever might need to think about a facility or some in home care that isn't you. The older they get, the more people will disappear and leave you holding the bag. The elderly can go for years in poor health circling the drain, so relief may not be in sight. Know your limits!

For a younger disabled person--kid, teenager, adult--I think the calculus is different. Disclaimer: I am a physically disabled adult. Have a serious talk with the person about what they need, what you can provide, and what you are comfortable providing. Have an eye to making them more independent, but be careful about that. As an able-bodied person, you may be a very poor judge of what they can and can't do. And depending on the kind of care they received and the family dynamic (appearances can be deceiving here), they may not be a great judge either. Help them think about things they can't do that would be good to know--things like cooking, budgeting, doing laundry--and work on that. If you can't figure out or it really seems uncomfortable or painful, see an OT or PT. Behavioral or neurocognitive issues? See a therapist and maybe a behavioral specialist.

Bottom line: make your relationships about love, and not about obligation. So many posts you see on the internet push some kind of idealized realty on people when it comes to family and care giving for family. Even if you love someone, it can be too much. And you may not love your family, or they may have been too horrible for you to stand. In person, people will push you to accept responsibility for an ailing relative because they don't want to do it themselves.

How has this person historically treated you, personally? Have they supported you for large portions of your life?

darkmaian23 posted...

Bottom line: make your relationships about love, and not about obligation. So many posts you see on the internet push some kind of idealized realty on people when it comes to family and care giving for family. Even if you love someone, it can be too much. And you may not love your family, or they may have been too horrible for you to stand. In person, people will push you to accept responsibility for an ailing relative because they don't want to do it themselves.

Wow thats pretty deep. I guess for some people it is out obligation. Traditional roles of helping our elders or taking care of disabled family members.

ArchNemo posted...

How has this person historically treated you, personally? Have they supported you for large portions of your life?

I would guess so. So the idea came from how people are separating themselves from people who don't reflect their own views. In the example, I gave you don't have to be gay, but you can be an ally or a supporter. Based on what disabled/elderly person said. Would that person do it and would they say it isn't far.

It all depends on what your values are. Everyone has a different answer they have to learn for themselves (or hopefully not learn rather).

omniryu posted...

Wow thats pretty deep. I guess for some people it is out obligation. Traditional roles of helping our elders or taking care of disabled family members.

I would guess so. So the idea came from how people are separating themselves from people who don't reflect their own views. In the example, I gave you don't have to be gay, but you can be an ally or a supporter. Based on what disabled/elderly person said. Would that person do it and would they say it isn't far.

are you asking because you plan on cutting off elderly person that youre supporting?

qwertyuio1 posted...

are you asking because you plan on cutting off elderly person that youre supporting?

well, no I wouldn't say cut off. The person is fully able and not sick. Elderly? Yeah. Not because they said anything I find offensive but financially it doesn't make sense to me.

Michael_Booth posted...

I cut someone out of my life for saying "Digimon is better than Pokmon". Never spoke to my brother, again, after he said it. Ignored his invite for his Wedding, and subsequent two Christenings.
You have to stand close to your convictions, in my opinion -- otherwise what type of example will you be setting? I'm not letting such a person with terrible taste near me, or my family.

me: *looking at my Omnimon*

omniryu posted...

well, no I wouldn't say cut off. The person is fully able and not sick. Elderly? Yeah. Not because they said anything I find offensive but financially it doesn't make sense to me.

oh lol dang

qwertyuio1 posted...

me: *looking at my Omnimon*

I have a slight interest in Digimon surive.

omniryu posted...

I have a slight interest in Digimon surive.

yeah Ill probably have to check that one out it looks like it could be legit

qwertyuio1 posted...

yeah Ill probably have to check that one out it looks like it could be legit

It is hand drawn right? If it is the right price I will jump at it.

I have some fucked up family members that I love to death. So, if they don't cross me personally, I want to stick around and try to help them grow. It's not like Im gonna just start doing what they do. It's not a disease that infects you. Im secure with who I am and know Im not gonna get motivated in the wrong direction. Im either gonna be the guide or it's gonna be a stalemate and no one changes at the end

I'm trans, just for the sake of my own survival I'll cut someone out of my life for breathing the wrong way.

gunplagirl posted...

I'm trans, just for the sake of my own survival I'll cut someone out of my life for breathing the wrong way.

See, this is understandable. But as Im not trans, am I not more useful if Im there to talk them down if they try to do something hateful towards the trans community? Doesn't it seem like that should be my role since Im the one who won't be in harms way? I feel like peoplewho want hateful peopleleft totheir own devices and abandoned don't realize it makes more sense for peoplelikeme to keep themclose and try to guide them away from hurting others. We're the priviledged one's that aren't targeted, we should use that to shield those who are targeted.

Lost_All_Senses posted...

See, this is understandable. But as Im not trans, am I not more useful if Im there to talk them down if they try to do something hateful towards the trans community? Doesn't it seem like that should be my role since Im the one who won't be in harms way? I feel like peoplewho want hateful peopleleft totheir own devices and abandoned don't realize it makes more sense for peoplelikeme to keep themclose and try to guide them away from hurting others. We're the priviledged one's that aren't targeted, we should use that to shield those who are targeted.

If I'm reading what you said right then yes, those who are cis and privileged need to be the ones calling out other cis people on transphobic bullshit.

There's a difference between, like, some shitter my age, going to fascist rallies, vs horribly misguided grandparents that are too mentally addled to learn better.

I've had a boon of faith recently, in that my uncle had admitted, insomuch as his affluent old white guy pride allows, that politics made him a loon, and he's doing a lot better just not following it so closely.

A measure of last resort but sometimes necessary.

I do think the bar is somewhat low these days.

omniryu posted...

So what if you are a sole supporter of a sick elderly or a disabled person in your family and they express an opinion or an idea you strongly disagree with. Would it be cool to immediately stop supporting them? For example imagine if they don't believe that gay people should get married. Would you just cut them off? And this is for the people who believes it is OK to cut people out of their lives.

I wouldn't put myself in that position in the first place. I am an only child and the only nephew who still talks to my childless aunt and uncle. I told my parents, aunt, and uncle they're on their own. Keep your inheritance, use it for old person care. I'm not doing it. Why is my uncle childless? Because he did. He spent time until he was 55 taking care of his parents who made it to 82 and 91 respectively. The swamp creatures in my family live a very long time.

Lost_All_Senses posted...

I have some fucked up family members that I love to death. So, if they don't cross me personally, I want to stick around and try to help them grow. It's not like Im gonna just start doing what they do. It's not a disease that infects you. Im secure with who I am and know Im not gonna get motivated in the wrong direction. Im either gonna be the guide or it's gonna be a stalemate and no one changes at the end

Pretty much.

TheAttackTitan posted...

He spent time until he was 55 taking care of his parents who made it to 82 and 91 respectively.

I have a friend and she is going through that now. Very beautiful girl, no kids not married. She says she wants kids but she is serving her father. She is 34 and he is like 60 something years old. It is kinda sad.

gunplagirl posted...

I'm trans, just for the sake of my own survival I'll cut someone out of my life for breathing the wrong way.

And fair, your mental health is key. Why care for something that destroys you.

gunplagirl posted...

If I'm reading what you said right then yes, those who are cis and privileged need to be the ones calling out other cis people on transphobic bullshit.

Exactly. Cause they're not gonna listen to somebody they have illogical & irrational hatred towards. That's the last thing they'll do. And don't just do it when it looks good for your social media. Do it when no one even will know you did anything at all. We all seen that Futurama episode with God lol. I literally think that's when I realized it's not about being seen for good deeds.

It can be exhausting. I don't drink anymore. But one the last times I did, I was talking my cousin down from fighting dudes and he kept talking about getting a gun >_>. Im hoping the gun thing was all bolstering and not foreal, but I also purposely want to never find out. It had nothing to do about hating a certain type of person, though that's not out of my families range, sadly. It's so weird how someone can be so protective over you, but then just be completely hateful to others. But if you can, use that to yours and everyone else's advantage, why wouldn't you? I promise you you (me) still have the easier role.

Admittedly, I didn't rush to put myself back in that position. Im not playing super hero and purposely seeking any of this out. But, Im just glad I was there in that moment. I knew I was the last person he would harm and it makes no sense to go out my way to remove that shield when I can provide it. Everyone knows Im the soft compassionate one in the extended family and it makes them protective over me, which makes me able to step in the way of others without ever actually being at risk myself. It's a weird dynamic, but what's not weird in this world.

Edit: It's also completely understandable if social anxiety prevents someone from inserting thenselves too tho. Im kind of half in that realm and half out it. It just matters what I land on in the moment

There is no too far. I dont plan on ever speaking to a person Im related to again.

Guide posted...

There's a difference between, like, some shitter my age, going to fascist rallies, vs horribly misguided grandparents that are too mentally addled to learn better.

I've had a boon of faith recently, in that my uncle had admitted, insomuch as his affluent old white guy pride allows, that politics made him a loon, and he's doing a lot better just not following it so closely.

If people reach old age and haven't learned to treat everyone with decency and to accept differences, then I'm gonna put those people on blast. All their life experience and it's wasted on bigotry.

omniryu posted...

It is hand drawn right? If it is the right price I will jump at it.

yeah it looks quite clean haha!

https://youtu.be/IJVoHwrNFyQ

and true that!

Tbh unless they're your kid I don't think you're under any obligation to keep people in your life if they have a negative impact on your mental health and wellbeing.

If an elderly person literally has no one to take care of them then chances are you aren't the problem.

I guess, if they don't think colonialism is real, ehh