Current Events > Think I'm single now after a 6 month relationship

(+) Yeah! (+)

Longest relationship I've been. Broke up over a stupid thing.. She got me a personal gift last weekend as well as some cookies that I couldn't eat (celiac). The next day I got her chocolates. She didn't seem to mind it until her family found out about it and she told me they thought they were cheap (as if I got it from the dollar store) and that they thought I didn't value her..She then doubled down on it and said she bet I spent more on my work white elephant gift then what I gave her. It hurt me, and I lost it. Its weird to even tell me this.

I didn't contact her for 3 days. Tried to call and text yesterday.

Her family seems to have a lot of influence on her, and there were other things that bugged me like finances.

Not to sound overly judgmental but how old are you? This sounds like some really young nonsense stuff. Like couples in their early 20s or younger.

Sounds like you dodged a bullet with those shitty in laws

archizzy posted...

Not to sound overly judgmental but how old are you? This sounds like some really young nonsense stuff. Like couples in their early 20s or younger.

30s.

Yeah without much context, it's definitely sounds like nonsense. We've had fights before and breaks, and managed to work things out. And there's uncertainty about certain issues like future planning (she doesn't want kids, I'm unsure but it wouldn't be the end if I didn't) and finances.

She has fairly conservative parents and she holds them in high regard (I need their blessings) Her communication style is... strange. I like that she is honest and straight forward bout things, but there are certain things I don't ask for, and she overshares things.

She wanted to console me when she told me the news..She knew I would be upset on some level, cause she said it was better if I got home and heard it from her then (was driving from the gym) said she was trying to defend me, but when she said she was thinking about it and agreed. I couldn't not be upset, but I wished I handled it better. Just made me think there must be another motive for telling me this.

in regards to finances... Her parents are old fashioned and don't like that I want us to split things. She said she was used to her past boyfriends (and her dad and brother) paying for everything. We had a talk about money one month into the relationship and I thought things were going well. It was brought up a few times in the past by her that she was willing to try out splitting things and see how it goes. Until she brought it up like the week before when she mentioned to her mom about us moving in together one day.. and she brought it up again as if she was accommodating me and if one day she didn't want that...I don't know what she was implying. None of this makes sense to me because it seemed like she was fine with it. She invited me to her house and cooked for me a few times. I've always been appreciative of it.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

Yeah see my last post.

I told her I wanted to break up but said I didn't mean it a few minutes after after apologizing to her for helping at her..I just felt so overwhelmed and I I told her I was fighting an uphill battle trying to get her parents approval. She then said she was going to break up because she didn't have the heart to come back again after a break. I did say this before 2 months in the past, and she reminded me of that. Our arguments were stupid.

But there's uncertainty and long term incompatibility under it. If it ends, I don't want it to end this way at least.

If you are fighting and going on "breaks" after only six months you really should move on. It doesn't sound like the two of you are compatible at all.

Is it really that uncommon for couples to not have a fight until after a year or something?

Yeah there was some big disconnects and misunderstandings early on. I think it's important how you argue and come to a resolution. We managed to work through them. A lot of them were misunderstandings. I think we moved fast. We have been seeing each other 3x a week on average.

The breaks have been a few days to a week tops. The breaks have been about how to move forward and uncertainty about family planning (I was undecided about having kids).

It's uncommon for couples that are a good fit for each other lol

Arcanine2009 posted...

Is it really that uncommon for couples to not have a fight until after a year or something?

Ive been married 16 years; together for almost 20. We have had 1, maybe 2 fights in that entire time.

You both sound immature af (not saying you are per se but based on what happened)

And yes, fights and actual "breaks" in the first six months is not normal when it is a healthy relationship.

bsp77 posted...

fights and actual "breaks" in the first six months is not normal when it is a healthy relationship.

This. Especially that frequently.

Some conflicts are meant to show both people that they probably arent the right people for each other. Don't assume the resolution will always be a happy one. That's the point of dating ya know. Finding the right person and if it's that much strife when things are supposed to be the easiest and carefree then they're likely not the right person :/

But I hope you are okay. You know I care about your well being.

But what caused the actual break up just sounds so stupid. Like my wife and I would never fight about such petty shit. I think we have only had two actual real arguments in 4 years, and both lasted less than an hour. Plenty of discussions about feelings and such, but that is just, "I felt x when you x", and then the other sincerely apologizes and we move on.

A partner in a good relationship shouldn't be measuring you in how much you spend on them. It's always the thought that's put into the gift that counts.

You're onto better things now. I'm happy for you tc

Whut was da !personal' gift doe?

Arcanine2009 posted...

Is it really that uncommon for couples to not have a fight until after a year or something?

Fighting, not necessarily. Multiple bigger fights that result in taking multiple breaks in the first six months is definitely not common, though.

samsungsalt posted...

Sounds like you dodged a bullet with those shitty in laws

screw those inlaws ideals... it's the spirit of the christmas holiday soon so there's no unloading tonight.

There sounds like a lot of immaturity on both sides. I mean she is definitely heavily influenced by her family and you admit to telling her you want to break up, then trying to walk it back. To get overwhelmed and overreact to something so petty that you actually say you want to break up is pretty bad. You should never say you want to end a relationship as some reaction comment unless you 100% mean it.

This sounds like more than just life uncertainty and relationship discussions and decisions if they lead to periods of time where you need breaks and can't communicate here and there.

Is she as inexperienced in relationships as you? Like in her 30's but has never been with anyone for just a mere 6 months? Seems like you both need to grow and need more experience in relationships.

Also, this would have been difficult due to her relationship with her parents, but your reaction to this situation was to not contact for 3 days? You will never get by with that shitty tactic.

I've only fought with bad compatible people.

bsp77 posted...

actual "breaks" in the first six months is not normal when it is a healthy relationship.

Gonna second that

Something that minor shouldn't have caused such a huge wedge. It sounds like you both aren't really compatible. It also sounds like you both have some growing up to do.

If your girlfriend completely turns on you because her family thinks your gift wasnt expensive enough then get out of there.

ssb_yunglink2 posted...

If your girlfriend completely turns on you because her family thinks your gift wasnt expensive enough then get out of there.

Slightly off topic - Not gonna lie, if I got a box of chocolates for Christmas, even if these were luxury gourmet imports worth 1k+, I'd kinda be like eh? Unless I was passionate about chocolate, it's kind of an odd gift choice imo. Like that's what Valentine's Day is for lol (sort of).

Not justifying her reaction. Everyone could have gone about it more maturely, for sure.

I mean as an adult I don't even expect gifts at that age, so it's ridiculous in general.

SailorGoon posted...

Slightly off topic - Not gonna lie, if I got a box of chocolates for Christmas, even if these were luxury gourmet imports worth 1k+, I'd kinda be like eh? Unless I was passionate about chocolate, it's kind of an odd gift choice imo. Like that's what Valentine's Day is for lol (sort of).

Not justifying her reaction. Everyone could have gone about it more maturely, for sure.

I don't think this was a Christmas thing

bsp77 posted...

I don't think this was a Christmas thing

Ah, assumed it was because it's that time of year + she was comparing it to a white elephant gift which is a Christmas thing.

SailorGoon posted...

Ah, assumed it was because it's that time of year + she was comparing it to a white elephant gift which is a Christmas thing.

It's possible, but seems early, especially since several days ago.

If it was a Christmas gift, then yeah, chocolates is not good unless agreed to not really do gifts.

SailorGoon posted...

Slightly off topic - Not gonna lie, if I got a box of chocolates for Christmas, even if these were luxury gourmet imports worth 1k+, I'd kinda be like eh? Unless I was passionate about chocolate, it's kind of an odd gift choice imo. Like that's what Valentine's Day is for lol (sort of).

Not justifying her reaction. Everyone could have gone about it more maturely, for sure.

Im only in my early 20s and hardly expect gifts, much less nuke a relationship over them. Were not children anymore

No gift is like, entitled imo, thats why its a gift. Unless she got him something of like absurdly higher value im not gonna start saying youre a cheapskate because my parents think your gift shouldve been more expensive

I just think its odd she seemingly didnt care but then started caring once her parents did

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]


Absolutely this. Any breakup is hard, no matter what, but don't let this one get you down for too bad or long brother

If you need to chat or anything my dms are open

Arcanine2009 posted...

Is it really that uncommon for couples to not have a fight until after a year or something?

Yeah there was some big disconnects and misunderstandings early on. I think it's important how you argue and come to a resolution. We managed to work through them. A lot of them were misunderstandings. I think we moved fast. We have been seeing each other 3x a week on average.

The breaks have been a few days to a week tops. The breaks have been about how to move forward and uncertainty about family planning (I was undecided about having kids).

It is completely normal to have friction and such early, dont let anyone tell you otherwise, what is NOT healthy or common is to go on breaks or multiple breakups reagrdless of how long you have been dating the person, a relationship is only as good as the effort put in by both parties, only you know what you have gine through and what you will be willing to still go through for a person and if they are worth your effort.

I think this all just speaks to the fact that you are not very compatible.

She wants to have a conservative dating and marriage from the sounds of it, and that doesn't appear to be something you are interested in. There isn't anything inherently wrong with people wanting different things from a relationship, but it does just mean that what you are wanting from a long term relationship is not in alignment.

ssb_yunglink2 posted...

Im only in my early 20s and hardly expect gifts, much less nuke a relationship over them. Were not children anymore

No gift is like, entitled imo, thats why its a gift. Unless she got him something of like absurdly higher value im not gonna start saying youre a cheapskate because my parents think your gift shouldve been more expensive

I just think its odd she seemingly didnt care but then started caring once her parents did

I mean, I agree through and through. Only thing I'd differ on is that I think gifts need to be given out of a sense of charitableness and not a sense of obligation.

If I get someone something and they didn't get me anything, no worries. I wanted to give something not because I expected anything in return, but because I wanted to give. However if they come to me next day with like.. chocolate or wine? I'd be like "gee thanks, you shouldn't have" and then in my mind be like "you really shouldn't have. I don't even like chocolate, nor do I drink lol. Who do I have to give this to now". But it would have stayed in my head and went no further than that.

Regardless, I'm in agreement that she not only reacted poorly, but didn't seem to do so for any good reason. It'd be one thing if right off the bat she was like "Why chocolate? You know I don't eat these right?". I could understand someone feeling put off in that instance, but to compare it to a white elephant and worst of all, accept the gift only to voice displeasure when someone else tells her to. Very immature

Sorry to hear that. That really sucks. But speaking from my own experience, being with someone who is that easily influenced by their parents is not fun. Especially if the parents are controlling. My ex was similar in that her mom would convince her of stupid shit and she'd then get mad at me for it.

Like, just one example, back when she was still living with her mom, she needed a ride home from work and her mom didn't feel like doing it. Her mom convinced her that it wasn't fair of me to not go and pick her up. So she suddenly calls me, already mad at me, that I should come pick her up right now (like it was my fault that I wasn't already there, when she had told me her mom was going to pick her up). Honestly, stuff like that should have been my sign to bail early lol.

Arcanine2009 posted...

Is it really that uncommon for couples to not have a fight until after a year or something?

Yeah there was some big disconnects and misunderstandings early on. I think it's important how you argue and come to a resolution. We managed to work through them. A lot of them were misunderstandings. I think we moved fast. We have been seeing each other 3x a week on average.

The breaks have been a few days to a week tops. The breaks have been about how to move forward and uncertainty about family planning (I was undecided about having kids).

It's not a problem if you have fights every now and then. But it's also not something that must happen either. I had dozens of fights with my ex, but my gf and I haven't had any fights yet and it's been 2 years. The most we've had is she got upset when some plans fell apart. But there was no fight or argument that happened from that. I just felt bad and tried to fix it, since it was my planning that was at fault.

This relationship was not going to work out. In cases like this, it's better to break up over something dumb like this than something serious deeper in.

If thats what it takes for her to get that mad at you, you definitely dodged a huge bullet lmao.

Arcanine2009 posted...

Is it really that uncommon for couples to not have a fight until after a year or something?

Yeah there was some big disconnects and misunderstandings early on. I think it's important how you argue and come to a resolution. We managed to work through them. A lot of them were misunderstandings. I think we moved fast. We have been seeing each other 3x a week on average.

The breaks have been a few days to a week tops. The breaks have been about how to move forward and uncertainty about family planning (I was undecided about having kids).

Me and my partner were together like 6 years before we had any serious fights or arguments.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gnQx40JiBU&ab_channel=TimothyKelly

bsp77 posted...

Also, this would have been difficult due to her relationship with her parents, but your reaction to this situation was to not contact for 3 days? You will never get by with that shitty tactic.

Yeah, no contact/silent treatment is a red flag to women.

And as for the chocolates, unless it was something that shes specifically said is a favorite (store/ brand), it seems like its a low effort/didnt put any thought into it gift. Which is another red flag,

You both sound immature af (not saying you are per se but based on what happened)

And yes, fights and actual "breaks" in the first six months is not normal when it is a healthy relationship.

Yeah I didn't handle it well as I wanted. This is my first real relationship. I got better with things overtime. I had a real crash course. Gotcha.

bsp77 posted...

Also, this would have been difficult due to her relationship with her parents, but your reaction to this situation was to not contact for 3 days? You will never get by with that shitty tactic.

. There were a lot of things going on my head. I had to pull back and was processing my emotions. She said she would be the one to break up with me after I mentioned it first (and U took it back), so I took it at face value as well. The last thing over phone I said to her was, "okay if this is it, I hope you have a happy Christmas and new years." It got silent after that. I asked if she was still there and after not hearing anything for 10 seconds, I hung up. She didn't reach out to me either. I did fuck up by waiting 3 days. I wasn't in the right mind to text or call her back that night. But I should have done it sooner for sure to at least not end like this.

Sorry I haven't replied to everyone.

Cuticrusader09 posted...

Yeah, no contact/silent treatment is a red flag to women.

And as for the chocolates, unless it was something that shes specifically said is a favorite (store/ brand), it seems like its a low effort/didnt put any thought into it gift. Which is another red flag,

She doesn't have a big sweet tooth, and she herself said she wasn't expecting anything in return and didn't mind the gift. She gave me cookies as well ,(which I couldn't eat) It wasn't until her brother and father came in and saw it and commenting on it. She was influenced by them.

Yeah it was a low effort gift from me. I I'm not big on giving gifts, and it was very last minute. It was just a small token of appreciation. I didn't think think this was an official Xmas gift or anything, and I have spent more money on her than vice versa. Given more time, I would have put more effort.

It just pissed me off that she told me everything her conversation with her dad. That I thought less of her by not matching hers. I never met him. It was so bizarre to hear that. I'm not a cheap person and I was putting effort into the relationship. And then agreeing to it. If she said it a different way, I would have handled it better. But if course I could have handled it better too. I felt really hurt.

rexcrk posted...

If thats what it takes for her to get that mad at you, you definitely dodged a huge bullet lmao.

I was the one that was more upset at her than vice versa, after she told me the things she did about her family commenting on it. Her anger was reacting to mine, me bringing up other things, and my comment about wanting to break up.

It didn't end simply because of chocolate.

But I hope you are okay. You know I care about your well being.

But what caused the actual break up just sounds so stupid. Like my wife and I would never fight about such petty shit. I think we have only had two actual real arguments in 4 years, and both lasted less than an hour. Plenty of discussions about feelings and such, but that is just, "I felt x when you x", and then the other sincerely apologizes and we move on.

Thanks man, I appreciate it.
archizzy posted...

There sounds like a lot of immaturity on both sides. I mean she is definitely heavily influenced by her family and you admit to telling her you want to break up, then trying to walk it back. To get overwhelmed and overreact to something so petty that you actually say you want to break up is pretty bad. You should never say you want to end a relationship as some reaction comment unless you 100% mean it.

This sounds like more than just life uncertainty and relationship discussions and decisions if they lead to periods of time where you need breaks and can't communicate here and there.

Is she as inexperienced in relationships as you? Like in her 30's but has never been with anyone for just a mere 6 months? Seems like you both need to grow and need more experience in relationships.

She has more experience. She's been in some relationships that lasted 1-3 years if I recall correctly. But she does ask advice from her friends and family often. She was sheltered in her early years and was kinda conservative. She has an accident and got a head injury a few years back..I can't help but feel that changed her (not saying in a bad way)but that's just me.

NoxObscuras posted...

Sorry to hear that. That really sucks. But speaking from my own experience, being with someone who is that easily influenced by their parents is not fun. Especially if the parents are controlling. My ex was similar in that her mom would convince her of stupid shit and she'd then get mad at me for it.

Like, just one example, back when she was still living with her mom, she needed a ride home from work and her mom didn't feel like doing it. Her mom convinced her that it wasn't fair of me to not go and pick her up. So she suddenly calls me, already mad at me, that I should come pick her up right now (like it was my fault that I wasn't already there, when she had told me her mom was going to pick her up). Honestly, stuff like that should have been my sign to bail early lol.

It's not a problem if you have fights every now and then. But it's also not something that must happen either. I had dozens of fights with my ex, but my gf and I haven't had any fights yet and it's been 2 years. The most we've had is she got upset when some plans fell apart. But there was no fight or argument that happened from that. I just felt bad and tried to fix it, since it was my planning that was at fault.

Thanks man. I think we've had maybe 2 or 3 breaks, including this one. 2 of the breaks didn't happen on a bad note, it was just uncertainty because i didn't have a strong inclination about have kids or not, while she said she didn't want any. She thought I was going to leave and change my mind after 1-2 years.

sounds like she a golddigger

mom and daddy probably want you to support them too?

Arcanine2009 posted...

Is it really that uncommon for couples to not have a fight until after a year or something?

Yeah there was some big disconnects and misunderstandings early on. I think it's important how you argue and come to a resolution. We managed to work through them. A lot of them were misunderstandings. I think we moved fast. We have been seeing each other 3x a week on average.

The breaks have been a few days to a week tops. The breaks have been about how to move forward and uncertainty about family planning (I was undecided about having kids).

Ive been married for 10 years, living together for 11. Weve had a tiny handful of arguments, let alone actual fights.

WingsOfGood posted...

sounds like she a golddigger

mom and daddy probably want you to support them too?

Eh, in TC's later posts, they said they were actually more upset about the situation than she was. It sounds like they were both immature and it was just a relationship not meant to last, especially if they had multiple major fights and breaks within just the first six months. Sounds more like a compatibility issue than anything to be blamed specifically on one side only.