Current Events > What are the biggest lessons you've learned from relationships?

(+) Yeah! (+)

Previous and current relationships.

I'll put mine up in a couple hours.

That I wasnt meant to be in one

Ba-dum-tss

No but really I definitely think I am one of those people who just wasnt born to be with someone romantically

That I'm not good enough to find one in the first place.

i get obsessed...

Don't be passive-aggressive. Nobody wants to deal with that.

Nukazie posted...

i get obsessed...

This. I cling too hard. I also can't read the signs.

that a person can be a good partner, and do nothing wrong, but if you felt like you were missing something in life, they're not always going to fill that gap.

like with my ex, she was one of the most beautiful people I've seen and she was very agreeable, but I still remember feeling lonely while we were together so I ended things.

it put into context previous relationships where the other people ended things "out of nowhere", and it helped me understand things just don't work out sometimes, for whatever reasons.

People need space and it's not healthy to talk to them 24/7.

ai123 posted...

Don't be passive-aggressive. Nobody wants to deal with that.

This. Once the sarcasm starts up its over.

If its losing its spark and youre drifting apart and you dont both want to put the work in to fix it, break things off quickly.

I stayed in a relationship that I should have bailed on years sooner. Wasted years of my life, both in terms of relationship and also allowing myself to be held back professionally and not pursuing the lifestyle I wanted in an attempt to keep her happy. Never again.

Glob posted...

If its losing its spark and youre drifting apart and you dont both want to put the work in to fix it, break things off quickly.

I stayed in a relationship that I should have bailed on years sooner. Wasted years of my life, both in terms of relationship and also allowing myself to be held back professionally and not pursuing the lifestyle I wanted in an attempt to keep her happy. Never again.

This

So much this

KanWan posted...

This

So much this

Im sorry to hear that you suffered that fate as well.

That people will still hurt you, even when you try your best.

I will never trust someone again.

Hearing loss can be a blessing.

You could be the right people in the wrong place and time. With my first serious girlfriend, it came up that she wishes I had pursued her earlier, while she was dating someone else. She took some damage from that relationship, stuff I couldn't fully deal with myself.

With the second, it was long distance in a bad way. We had to choose a place to stay. I tried to stay in Puerto Rico, but the climate and cultural clash were just too much. Everything is hot, moist, bitey, and there's no such thing as minding your own business.

Blastia posted...

That people will still hurt you, even when you try your best.

I will never trust someone again.

You leaned the wrong lesson, dude.

By all means, never trust the person who hurt you again. Dont apply it to everybody.

Assume positive intent. If you are upset about something, don't yell. Instead say, "I felt sad when you x". Gives them the chance to apologize without as much conflict, because the issue was likely an accident or oversight.

Let people live their own lives. You don't need to be together all the time. Enjoy your time together, but also enjoy alone time and time with friends. Respect the boundaries of someone's time, and understand how your partner might have a different ratio of time allocation.

You don't need to share a ton of interests. Some sure, but as long as you respect each other's hobbies (and have the alone time mentioned above), it doesn't matter.

Have sex a lot. Many relationships lose their appeal and go downhill when there is less intimacy. It is cyclical. Sex and cuddling and emotional attachment and just general happiness gets intertwined. When one slips, they all do.

Blastia posted...

That people will still hurt you, even when you try your best.

I will never trust someone again.

That's trauma, not a life lesson.

Don't be too overbearing but also Thancred from FF14 said it well that really stuck with me:

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/forum/5/586903f6.jpg

Dont have them. They are a waste of time and energy.

You can't rely on someone else to make you happy.

Cynrascal posted...

Dont have them. They are a waste of time and energy.

Blah blah. Find the right person and you wouldn't feel that way.

rexcrk posted...

No but really I definitely think I am one of those people who just wasnt born to be with someone romantically

Oh good, it's not just me then...

Being yourself is not enough

Give room for yourself and the other person to breathe.

It needs to be a two way street to work out and it being one sided is just a disaster waiting to happen when one of you snaps

The final hoot is that much more special

And if things were more serious between us I'd save it for you <3

I'm not meant to have a proper one and I'm a very poor judge of character. I've gone on a bunch of dates with women and had nothing but terrible situations come from it. Which is hilarious to me because I'll have people in general tell me straight up that I'm a really nice person and I'm extremely thoughtful, but apparently neither is good enough to date. They would rather date someone 2 hours away they only see once every 2 months than someone right beside them.

I digress, no big deal to me. If it happens it happens, if not, I have a bunch of nieces and nephews I can pamper during Christmas/Halloween.

You cant change who someone is at their core.

You can be in a relationship and still maintain your sense of self and independence. Your friends will thank you for it. - that one is more so from observing other peoples relationships

I've heard people commonly say that relationships are difficult and need a lot of work. I learned from my relationship that is not necessarily true, with the right person most things are easier.

pinky0926 posted...

You can't rely on someone else to make you happy.

This is actually really important information for every aspect of life.

I spent a very long time being upset and pissed off because I was unable to find a romantic partner. It really sucked watching all my friends find someone when I couldnt barely get anyone to look at me. And, ok, it still sucks going out in a group and seeing your friends get hit on and such while I may as well be invisible lol. But the point is I learned to make peace with it and it was the smartest damn thing I ever did.

And Im not saying to renounce like all types of relationships of course, but to find the balance. Learn how to be happy by yourself, and learn how to find joy being with others.

Joelypoely posted...

I've heard people commonly say that relationships are difficult and need a lot of work. I learned from my relationship that is not necessarily true, with the right person most things are easier.

This so much. My marriage is NOT difficult at all.
However, my first marriage and my 2 year relationship were both hard.

People suck.

You can't help people that don't want to be helped. They'll hate you for it.

Your partner can't change you, and you can't change them. Accept that or move on.

Relationships take dedication and at times sacrifice.

You need to learn to communicate and compromise. This is the most important thing. Without it, all relationships will fail, even non-romantic ones.

You need to have similar views in life, financial/life goals, kinks, fetishes, and probably religious views, too.

You need to treat your partner as your #1 always, but never lose your own identity or compromise too much of who you are as a person.

Learn your love language.

Be honest.

No one looks for a life long partner with the intention of being lied to.

That I want to be left alone.

Dont ever assume a bad experience or pitfall from a previous relationship will surface in your current relationship. Too many people bring their trauma from a previous relationship and project it on their current partner. Its not fair and often starts a wedge that leads to a break up. So the person manifests a failed relationship because of their own insecurity and then justifies it because it ended in a breakup. I see it a lot.

This next step requires a lengthy setup. Seriously there is no TLDR. Just skip it if it looks too long.

My biggest life lesson I ever learned though was a broader lesson that applies to my life as a whole and I learned it at 17. I was with this beautiful smart girl in high school that was 1 year younger than me but was in a lot of our classes and taking college courses half the day because they had advanced her. She was gifted.

There was nothing inherently wrong with her but its school and there is always cliques and she was considered a little nerdy and outside the popular circles. But the biggest issue was her mom caused issues at the school. Her mom was Filipina, her dad white American so she was mixed and her mom kept calling racism every time Carissa wasnt playing in volleyball and basketball.

The truth is Carissa wasnt very athletic or very good but she liked being on the team. She hated what her mom was doing but didnt want to quit. This made a number of people kind of distance themselves from Carissa and just kind of avoid her. Her family was also rich and in a small Midwest town full of blue collar workers they kinda view people with money really poorly (I see a lot of this on CE too) So there was almost a class divide issue there too.

I received a lot of teasing from my peers both guys and girls. People made a lot of comments and while I wasnt the type of person to follow fashion or music trends and just was my own person I admit in this aspect of my life I was influenced by peoples opinions. The comments bothered me and started to impact me. Long story short about 9 months later I broke up with Carissa and ended up rekindling my previous relationship with a popular cheerleader girl who fit in with everyone. It was also more convenient as this girl lived right across the street so that was a bonus.

So my dad and I hardly ever talked. We got along fine but he was a single parent who worked all the time. Im an only child who legitimately raised myself. My dad was always working or sleeping. I was a true latchkey kid from Gen X. We werent the type that ate dinner together and discussed our lives. We barely spoke.

So one day Im in the kitchen and my dad asked me where Carissa was as he hadnt seen her around. I said we broke up and my dad responded with Oh I thought you really liked her? I said I did and my dad just looked at me and said Well that was pretty fucking stupid. I had been agonizing about the breakup, it didnt sit well with me and in that moment full comprehension came over me and I fucking hated what I had done. I gave up a beautiful, smart, funny girl I genuinely loved being around and enjoyed all of our time together because my friends thought I shouldnt be with her and constantly let me know it.

I instantly vowed to never give a fuck what anyone ever thought about any aspect of my life ever again. That partially existed in me already that I previously mentioned like not caring what people thought about my clothes/outfit and other things but it fully became a core part of my self in that moment at 17. Im now 48 and all these years later remember that so vividly, and it still bothers me and fuels my I dont give a fuck attitude.

It bothers me I wasnt that way from the start. It bothers me that I had to learn that lesson. It should have been so obvious from the start. I always viewed myself as mature for my age which I really was, above average intelligence, but I feel like it was so weak and stupid to be influenced by other peoples opinions like that.

So yeah that was by far my biggest life lesson and it applies way beyond relationships though that is where I came to fully understand it. I will never again, ever be influenced by anyones opinions in any aspect of my life choices.

Glob posted...

You leaned the wrong lesson, dude.

By all means, never trust the person who hurt you again. Dont apply it to everybody.

i know that rationally, but my body says otherwise. but i'm working on it in therapy

You can't out love a mental disorder.

Dated a girl that was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. The good times were really good but the bad times were stuff like me being stabbed with a shoe heel while I took a nap because she remembered something that made her mad months ago.

Anyway, she attempted to get help and it took the edge off but it was always still around. Eventually it got to the point where I realized that I was going to wind up dead if I stuck around. It's tough to admit you're powerless and leave someone that you care about to essentially rot, but I didn't want to be murdered.

Im not saying all issues like this are deal breakers, but as an outside party you have to be willing to deal with it or not and leave. There's not much you can do.

bsp77 posted...

Blah blah. Find the right person and you wouldn't feel that way.

Detest most form of human interaction and have little patience in dealing with things and people when I am not interested in dealing with them.

Jiek_Fafn posted...

You can't out love a mental disorder.

Dated a girl that was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. The good times were really good but the bad times were stuff like me being stabbed with a shoe heel while I took a nap because she remembered something that made her mad months ago.

Anyway, she attempted to get help and it took the edge off but it was always still around. Eventually it got to the point where I realized that I was going to wind up dead if I stuck around. It's tough to admit you're powerless and leave someone that you care about to essentially rot, but I didn't want to be murdered.

Im not saying all issues like this are deal breakers, but as an outside party you have to be willing to deal with it or not and leave. There's not much you can do.

oooh. definitely learned this one the hard way as well. was bpd on my end though.

Great story and lesson, archizzy

Jiek_Fafn posted...

You can't out love a mental disorder.

Yeah... learned this the hard way with a previous relationship.

But I will say this. Everyone has some mix of mental, emotional or personality issues, whether it is something that would be diagnosed or not. The key is find someone where your issues balance each other, and you can mitigate those issues and support each other. I have autism and generalized anxiety, while my wife has social anxiety. We both may have some level of ADHD. Yet we have zero issues with each other because we know how to give each other grace and support each other.

Really surprised at the number of posts here

-Always communicate how you feel in the relationship. Don't let anything fester. Especially if it's something that needs to be talked about/something that concerns you. Better to communicate it sooner than having them blindsided in a heated argument. It's not worth either one having resentment
This is something I've struggled. Usually things that are small and don't usually bother me that much especially.

-Don't tell someone you're breaking up with them unless you really thought it through beforehand, and you really meant. Don't assume they will come back and things will work out. Trust gets eroded automatically. Breakups are traumatizing and just merely mentioning it is like asking for a divorce.

-When you or your partner is upset at one another, the other has to be calm

-Try to tackle issues together as an "us" problem and not a "vs them" problem.

-Even if you don't understand it, or they misunderstood something you did or say, don't brush or invalidate your partners feelings. Apologize when they feel hurt.

-Tall about finances early. As a man it's the hardest thing to bring up for me. Especially if you are a type of guy who doesn't want to pay for everything and closer to 50-50.

-Your values and goals must align. Finances, future planning, etc. If it can't be worked, leave. Sooner the better.

-Put effort in your gifts. Especially if she put efforts in hers.

Whatever youre fighting or arguing about its not worth it at all.

The hole is lower than you think

Be closer in age to the person youre dating than their kids

While my first relationship with a 36yo with tweens as a 19yo was great, if I knew then what I did now I mightve let the old cougar look for someone more mature and financially stable than myself

If shes not already bubbly dont expect her to be when she finally gets together with you

samsungsalt posted...

Be closer in age to the person youre dating than their kids

Lol. My wife is one year closer to my oldest daughter than to me.

And yes, I have had people assume she was my daughter too. Ugh