Current Events > Just got in a fight with my best friend. Feels bad. AIITA?

(+) Yeah! (+)

Its been a hard year and I managed some time to visit, from Japan back to the US.

This friend has always been really bad with schedules and does a lot of stuff that turns people off. But hes my oldest friend and I liked him for other reasons.

Today though, he was being difficult with plans. He told me that today was a good day to hang out, so I told him that i needed to make sure my other friends had time too, and i would make sure everyone would have some time. We planned to see the Sonic movie (hes a huge Sonic fan) Then, i called back to confirm, and he told me his friends from out of town were over. He wanted me to come over and stay at his house. Im never really ok with this because it often turns into something weird or uncomfortable, and I dont want to end up sleeping there because my time is short while Im here. I also wanted to see him in private because I had some heavy things i was dealing with.

Anyway he keeps flip-flopping his words and contradicting himself. Hes been doing this recently for some reason. Maybe drugs, i dont know. Anyway i honestly get upset and i bit anxious because i keep catching him in lies and i quickly say ok figure it out then and get off the phone before i get too anxious. You cant call him out on lying, never have been able to.

He gets PISSED. Starts telling me you cant talk to me like that. I tell him Im upset because friends have been standing me up and making late plans and i dont feel ok going to anyones house, (i didnt tell him that it was mostly because his wife and her friends are difficult to deal with). But its true, Im trying to get someone on one time with my friends.

He started going off about how he hopes i never come back and that we never talk again. This is unusual as he has NEVER spoken violently to me before. We have known eachother for twenty years, almost. We were roommates in college. He was always drunk or high, missed school, stole stuff, and i always defended him. Gave him food or money. Let him stay at my place a bit after he moved out. I told him i just want to have a proper schedule. I mention this has happened before, when he came to Japan and didnt make time for me because he was with his other friends.

He gets pissed off more and goes off with more violent threatening rhetoric, then starts ranting about how I dont appreciate friends, and how i imagine the world is against me. Huh??? I never said anything like that. It continues like this until I tell him that Im sorry for being insensitive, and that Im just stressed and sad that i might not be able to see my friends, and to go back to Japan alone. He continues, and I think starts projecting stuff that someone else told him. Told me my apologies mean nothing because i dont mean them. How does he know what i mean? Im actually here in tears because i realize i messed up and i just dont want to go back home alone for years. I told him to go back and look at what he said in the conversation, and he says he doesnt want to. I told him id never say such things, even if i were angry. I asked him if he knew how much those specific words would hurt.

Im sorry this was long but its eating at me and i dont know what to do. He is one of my oldest and only friends left in the US. It feels like this was out of my control. I knew i reacted brashly but i dont think i deserved the threats and harsh consequences. I even tried to apologize and said i was wrong.

It sounds like youre the only one trying to keep the friendship going. One thing Ive found is that you really cant have explosively angry people in your life, period. They always spin it like its your fault that they got mad and theyre the victim.

You have to draw lines with things like threats. Having a volcanic temper in the modern day and age simply does not compute and sometimes you have to unfortunately realize that people youve known for decades can quickly become dead weight.

Sounds like you need to cut this person off.

Id end the friendship. It does sound like he did try to make time for you, but you werent satisfied with what was offered and you both kind of sound tired of each other. I wouldnt let my best friend talk to me with violent language though, that would be that. Its kind of hard to tell whats going on from the post though, like why do things get awkward when you stay over etc.

Fuck em.

fuck this guy

If everything you said was true...move on.

Shrug and forget them, is what I would do.

The amount of time and money you invested in this trip shouldn't be met with that. Same if you were even just living across town this whole time. Don't associate with useless people. Seems other people in your/his circles may be catching onto that as well. He already was a POS to you. Selfish. He's done nothing to warrant the encore pity party.

I think you two really should have a talk one on one, in-person. If he isn't willing to go that far, sorry, but you should probably consider ending the friendship or at least getting some distance until he can figure out what exactly he wants from your friendship.

It sucks, but people really change when they get older, especially when a significant other is part of the question. It sounds like he's running on a different track now and you're probably not part of that equation.

Moving abroad, you find out who your friends are.

Some people will make the effort when you come back to visit (or even visit you in your new home). Others cant be fucked, and thats okay. It sends a clear message though.

Last time I went back home to the UK, I spent time in Bristol, Edinburgh and Southampton, because thats where the highest concentrations of my friends were. I let everybody know in advance where I would be and when and then set up events in the various places and invited people to them.

One guy, who used to live in Bristol, got really arsey with me for not going to visit him in Bath (a short drive away from Bristol. Or train ride) and then got really offended when he finally offered to come to Bristol two days after Id have left for Edinburgh. Id travelled nearly 6,000 miles and he couldnt be bothered to travel less than 15, which I only had a problem with because then he was making out like I was the one being unreasonable. Havent spoken to him since and don't expect to.

It sounds like the norm in this relationship is for them to treat you as a second-class friend.
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cjsdowg posted...

If everything you said was true...move on.

Hate to tell you this: The friendship is over. It's been over long before you ever came here to tell us the story. Like someone said in this topic: You're the only one trying to keep it going. A friendship requires two people, minimum, for that to work. Just let go. You don't even have to say anything. For your own sake (and quite possibly, your own safety too), not theirs.

To add what others have said: It is not your fault, even if it may feel like that at times. But it truly isn't.

Its hard to break away from friends.

I broke apart from my two best friends because although we handled each others toxicity (think Its Always Sunny but worse) it just became too much with the small things that build up over the course of a 20 year relationship. I spent more time with them than my brothers.. more than anyone.

What Ill say is this: perhaps theres an unprecedented level of stress somewhere you can totally ask about it and be forward about that considering all youve done for that person. Im sorta worried that you feel like youre going to Japan alone. Perhaps this is your refuge from how Japan is. Im not sure. Thats not worth keeping someone like that around if so. If you value those other years I can see the case for trying to see what went wrong but its not you doing anything wrong in this case. At all. Youre not asking for a lot and its absolutely right to try and plan your limited time. Its hard to be friends with their other friends because sometimes it can suck. Its not like it really is when youre just the two or three so I get that.

Maybe thats the component thats making things difficult? In terms of their time at least. The drugs thing can be very true and bring the worst out of people for sure.. not sure what kinda stuff they were into.

Just know you didnt do anything wrong. Like really know that.

Agree with everybody else here mate, this sounds like a one-sided friendship. Give yourself 10 minutes to feel sorry you've dropped him as a friend, and in 10 days you'll feel better. Time will help get over this, and I say that as someone who's dropped friends and also been dropped by friends too.

Glob posted...

One guy, who used to live in Bristol, got really arsey with me for not going to visit him in Bath (a short drive away from Bristol. Or train ride) and then got really offended when he finally offered to come to Bristol two days after Id have left for Edinburgh. Id travelled nearly 6,000 miles and he couldnt be bothered to travel less than 15, which I only had a problem with because then he was making out like I was the one being unreasonable. Havent spoken to him since and don't expect to.

Funnily enough I am in Bristol quite often and I dropped a friend for similar reasons, although he lived in Weston. His thoughts were that if I'd travelled (okay, only from London) then I'd be fine to travel a little further to see him. My view was that if you can't take the time to see me 2.5 hours away, then if I'm only half an hour away then that's doable. Nope, he was set on me having to "just drive down a few more junctions as you're travelling anyway".

I think that as we get older we realise who our true friends are, and those that drop off as life changes. Careers, marriage, children, relocation etc.

Luigi_and_Tails posted...

Agree with everybody else here mate, this sounds like a one-sided friendship. Give yourself 10 minutes to feel sorry you've dropped him as a friend, and in 10 days you'll feel better. Time will help get over this, and I say that as someone who's dropped friends and also been dropped by friends too.

Funnily enough I am in Bristol quite often and I dropped a friend for similar reasons, although he lived in Weston. His thoughts were that if I'd travelled (okay, only from London) then I'd be fine to travel a little further to see him. My view was that if you can't take the time to see me 2.5 hours away, then if I'm only half an hour away then that's doable. Nope, he was set on me having to "just drive down a few more junctions as you're travelling anyway".

I think that as we get older we realise who our true friends are, and those that drop off as life changes. Careers, marriage, children, relocation etc.

Yeah, life gets in the way of lots of relationships. As long as you dont forget how to make new ones and you put the work in with the ones that matter most to you, its not a massive problem.

that dude sounds like a toxic unstable pos

Glob posted...

Yeah, life gets in the way of lots of relationships. As long as you dont forget how to make new ones and you put the work in with the ones that matter most to you, its not a massive problem.

Quite right mate. I think that as you organically move on from friendships as you get older, the ones that last tend to be quite strong - even if you don't speak to each other every day.

I've been wanting to find somewhere to share this little anecdote, and this works. My closest mates and I have been friends for 20-30 years. We don't see each other often but, a few months ago I nearly died due to anaphylaxis. To the extent where the paramedics shooed my family out of the room as they didn't want them to see me die, whilst one of them called for backup saying "we're losing him".

Obviously I survived, but my best mate is very close with my parents (to the extent that he doesn't even bother telling me when he's visiting them, he just turns up and I get a photo a few hours later from my mum saying "your brother visited and says hello"). When they told him how close I was to death's door, and how they were still processing it, he was pretty upset that I didn't tell him. I explained I had no idea, I was unconscious and had no fucking clue what was happening.

Anyway, he told the rest of my mates and the first thing he did when I walked into a pub where they all were was to give me a big, long hug. After 20-30 seconds I felt a few more arms around me too. Apparently all 8 of them saw what was happening and decided to make a group hug in the middle of a busy London bar.

I know this doesn't help Cait at all just now, but that's the kinds of friendship you want to keep - not someone who'd probably complain that you weren't available because you were in priority 1 resusciation.

yeah, it sucks. It just came out of nowhere. But my other friends told me they had experiences with him where he creeped on them or ad vibes in general. Its just sad.

on the flip side, right when it happened, my oldest friend from JHS happened to be in town, and he gathered our other friends from when we were kids and we reminisced and it felt so nice seeing everyone from happier times. First time we had seen eachother since maybe 2003

_____Cait posted...

we reminisced and it felt so nice seeing everyone from happier times. First time we had seen eachother since maybe 2003

Focus on that mate. I hope you all had a laugh about how unequivocably shit some of your music taste was in 2003 too.

Source: Am old, not a TOU violation to laugh at your younger years

Luigi_and_Tails posted...

Focus on that mate. I hope you all had a laugh about how unequivocably shit some of your music taste was in 2003 too.

Source: Am old, not a TOU violation to laugh at your younger years

We definitely laughed about being so into Digimon, and being hyped about Shenmue

From what you've said, it definitely sounds like you care about the guy more than he cares about you.

Traveling a long time and being time constrained means they should be the ones adjusting, and once they commit they shouldn't be doing any bs like that.

TetsuoS2 posted...

From what you've said, it definitely sounds like you care about the guy more than he cares about you.

Traveling a long time and being time constrained means they should be the ones adjusting, and once they commit they shouldn't be doing any bs like that.

This. When flakes show you how important you aren't to them, believe them.