Board 8 > My aunt used us to sneak back in to her abusive relationship.

(+) Yeah! (+)

Long story short my aunt and her daughter (my cousin, obv) came with us to Vegas for my other cousins soccer tournament this weekend.

But really she came so that today she could stay here with her abusive husband, whom she had told her daughter she had left, for some of the rest of the week.

Her daughter had recently moved out(and her son awhile ago) and been staying with various family members after having the honest conversation that she was tired of the abuse(Both physically and verbally. We think it may have been worse than that, but only theory).

My aunt had moved into an apartment so her daughter would move back in with her, under the pretense that she'd left her husband too. We all figured and recently confirmed it was a lie(and found out yesterday her daughter.was oblivious).

But to use us to continue her abusive relationship is disappointing to say the least. Short of it is her daughter is coming back with us while my aunt stays here(and maybe gets beat to heck, who knows). Skipping out on my cousins last soccer game here so her husband can pick her up and take them to a different hotel for their stay. We are making our way home after the game.

That's pretty messed up. Using a family event like that is pretty ridiculous. At least it sounds like the daughter has a level head.

Anagram posted...

At least it sounds like the daughter has a level head.

As level as she can. But the signs of abuse are obvious, she has trouble in social settings and sees everything in a negative light.
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Lots of weird mannerism because her parents reinforced being different as good in a way to make everyone else look flawed. A way of making abuse seem worth it or normal. And unfortunately abused women can become complicit in that abuse being inflicted on their children.

It must be so frustrating to witness/deal with this.

The annoying thing is that- supposedly- you're not supposed to confront the abused partner about their bad relationship, you're just supposed to be quietly open to helping them once they realize they need to change. Otherwise they dig in their heels, or something.

It sounds like the kid is young, which makes everything worse. Crossing my fingers you guys are able to figure something out for them.

banananor posted...

It sounds like the kid is young, which makes everything worse. Crossing my fingers you guys are able to figure something out for them.

Nah. 22. Relatively young but she is messed uo a good bit. Incredibly book smart, graduated college. But maturity level and social skills and just general world knowledge very low. No concept of value.

Was having a conversation about pizza yesterday, snd she was complaining about the lack of good pizza places near her college. Said they were all cheap. Asked her what she wanted and she complained there was no Little Ceasars. The literal cheapest of cheap budget pizzas.

banananor posted...

The annoying thing is that- supposedly- you're not supposed to confront the abused partner about their bad relationship, you're just supposed to be quietly open to helping them once they realize they need to change. Otherwise they dig in their heels, or something.

Yeah not a lot to be done, you try to quietly help but it doesn't work, and her and the kids would never speak out when it might matter with the authorities.

I'm fine with the mostly futile attempts to help, but forcing us to be complicit with the sneaking around is a step further than I am comfortable with.

Abuse is never okay, but I will never understand why a survivor would go back to their abuser.

MegaWentEvil posted...

Abuse is never okay, but I will never understand why a survivor would go back to their abuser.

In my aunts case, she was the breadwinner and became convinced if she divorced she'd lose her livelihood. Then she became convinced she'd lose her kids. Nowadays she is just delusional and clearly become a bit of the emotional abuser to her two adult children. Telling them that things are their fault and the like.

I don't know what it was like before I was born, but the abuse goes back to quite some time before that(I am 38).

Part of it here is still generational.

She is the youngest of 7 but they were a transitional generation where the women were starting to be expected to work and have a career but idealistic life was still "find a good husband and serve them".

MegaWentEvil posted...

Abuse is never okay, but I will never understand why a survivor would go back to their abuser.

Often times the abuse involves convincing the victim its partially or entirely their fault. Abusers intentionally create a cycle where they are good to their victim at times. There are sometimes token gestures of kindness towards the victims, promises to change, as well as brainwashing the victim to think no one else will ever love me or I deserve this or if I just stop doing xyz this behavior will stop. Combined with the fear they have of trying to leave the abuser and the ways their lives are intertwined (kids, financially, house, etc.) it is often a very messy and complicated situation getting away from an abuser, which is just how they like it. Abusive people also try to control their victims after they leave.

Trauma bonding, also known as Stockholm Syndrome, is a complex psychological phenomenon that describes an unhealthy attachment between a victim and their abuser. It can develop in various contexts, including abusive relationships, and is characterized by a mix of fear, loyalty, dependency, and love. The bond forms through manipulative cycles of abuse and dependence forging, and can last from days to years

banananor posted...

The annoying thing is that- supposedly- you're not supposed to confront the abused partner about their bad relationship, you're just supposed to be quietly open to helping them once they realize they need to change. Otherwise they dig in their heels, or something.

Anyway this is the frustrating thing. Because people say do this, but this doesn't always work. Instead you've basically made a lifelong abusive relationship, created 2 kids with a childhood(A bit of adult life) of trauma and abuse that struggle with the real world, and still don't have any solution to actually fix any of it.

Also update, my aunt returned home and went to her house(Where she still is and has been paying for all of the bills) with her husband, leaving my little cousin in the apartment to herself. Meanwhile my little cousin picked up some sort of tonsil infection and doesn't really know how to handle it on her own(Someone took her to an urgent care, but she didn't even know where her nearest urgent care was for her insurance, so it was a bit of an ordeal).