"Dude! Did you hear about all the crazy s***?!" Asked what the f*** you tube bulls*** 'an error occurred no it didn't you can suck it... I mean, asked (*goes to check on who is still alive*) asked Justin, forcefully waking up his fellow users. "Apparently there was a post from ertyu's account that used lots of capital letters, many of which should not have been capitalized and in addition to that, the word 'no' was used numerous times in place of 'know!' It doesn't stop there! Ulti mentioned that his only interactions with Swift on facebook involved commenting on pics of Swift saluting, but Swift claimed to have never posted pics in which he was saluting! YOU GUYS! THE VERY FABRIC OF BOARD 8 REALITY IS UNRAVELLLIIIINNNNNG! WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IIIIIIIT!"
"Go... the f*** back to SLEEP!" Snapped Crimson. None of the others cared about what Justin had to say either. They were too f***ed up from what happened last chapter.
Caelus fell off of a shelf and landed on a half-empty beer glass, shattering it and getting glass shards in his head and torso. "God damn it, Justin!" He snapped, pulling pieces of glass from his face. "Why would you wake us up for THAT?! I should kill you right now!" A gun materialized in Caelus' hand and he aimed it at Justin.
"W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W- Wait!" Stuttered Justin excessively. "I found a clue!"
Caelus sighed deeply. "The dramatic stutter is a fairly common literary device, but you just seriously ruined it. I don't even know what to say..." He slapped himself a few times in anger... which I've been known to do >_<
"Sorry! Check this out, though!" exclaimed Justin. He picked up a dusty, ancient stone idol that had been laying on the floor the whole time. It depicted a primitive, crouching man with an erection that was longer than the the height of the idol itself. He held it up for all to see.
"Anything I may have done with that DOES NOT COUNT because I don't remember!" argued Genesis with a blush.
"I second that!" Agreed Crimson, also blushing.
"I third that!" Also agreed L3fty, blushing more than the two women.
Justin sighed and shrugged. "Just watch!" He walked to the far side of the room, which was a dead end. i forgot to mention that before because MegaWentEvil is a f***ing ass, but yeah, this crazy room where all that s*** happened last time was totally a dead end the entire time. However, there was a small hole in the wall. Justin plunged the idol phallus-first into the wall.
Everyone heard a series of mechanical clicks and simultaneously, the sounds of an unknown woman reaching climax. Suddenly, part of the wall moved away and a new tunnel was now open for exploration.
Caelus chuckled. "I feel like I should remember more about the construction of this place than I actually remember..." He sighed again.
The users entered the new tunnel and walked for a while...
-
At some point, Ayvuir (near the back of the group) bumped into XIII, because his Stig helmet made it more difficult for him to see in darker areas.
-- I never said anything about banging her. Also, I wouldn't bang her. -LusterSoldier (on a fat pageant mom whose daughter chugs Mt. Dew)
Maniac was standing next to XIII and decided to whisper something into his ear. "I'll split the costume with you... 50/50..."
-
Commotion could be heard by the front of the group.
"Hey! What the hell are they doing?!" Snapped Crimson.
"Just men being men, lol. Who needs 'em, right?" Laughed Genesis, winking and nudging Crimson.
"Right on, sistah!" Agreed Crimson. "But it sounds amusing, let's go back and watch."
-
"GET YOUR BLOODY HANDS OFF ME!!" Screamed Ayvuir, punching Maniac.
"NOT UNTIL YOU GIVE ME THAT SPACEMAN MASK!" Growled Maniac, trying to pull the Stig helmet from Ayvuir's head because he wanted to steal it.
XIII had also attacked Ayvuir and was going to take the rest of the Stig costume but now L3fty had jumped into the mix also and had tackled XIII.
"You cheated in UotY! That shall NOT be forgiven!" Yelled L3fty, attempting to strangle the Brit.
"That was weeks and/or months ago! No one cares about that anymore!" Gurgled XIII, clawing at his opponent's face. "Suck it, L3fty!" He pried the user's hands off of him and turned to watch Maniac and Ayvuir. "And you suck it too, Ayv! Also Smurf can suck it even though he never signed up for this and was added and killed already anyway!"
"I will suck NOTHING!" Retorted Ayvuir.
"You morons stop all of this!" Snapped Genesis. "You might set off another booby trap!"
Everyone stopped and then looked over at Justin.
Justin rolled his eyes. "Booby was only funny like the first ten or twenty times anyone said it. It's getting old..."
"But you aren't. You're still the same age you've always been," joked Crimson. "Seriously though, there could be hidden traps anywhere in here. You guys are endangering all of us by staggering around fighting! Hidden panels could be anywhere!"
"She's right," agreed Caelus. "I probably put a lot of hidden s*** everywhere."
-- I never said anything about banging her. Also, I wouldn't bang her. -LusterSoldier (on a fat pageant mom whose daughter chugs Mt. Dew)
"What do you mean, 'probably' Mr. Drinktoomuch?" Asked Ayvuir with a >_>.
"Dude you don't wanna know how my brain works. I've got issues, man. Seriously, you wouldn't understand and I don't think I necessarily want you to..." replied Caelus. "But enough meta... let's stick to the story at hand..."
The group continued on, and soon reached a door larger than ever previously encountered. It had a big f***ing drawing of an eyeball on it.
Caelus approached it with caution while the others stood back. He examined it for a bit, then sighed. "I dunno guys. I don't remember this..."
"Well then just open it!" Demanded Crimson.
"F*** no. I'm the boss of this story. I don't take orders, I GIVE THEM!" Snapped Caelus. "And I'm giving all of you an order to have someone open this door!" He stepped away from the door and sat down in a corner, whipping out a bottle of schnapps and a sandwich from thin air.
"I SHALL RAPE... I MEAN OPEN THIS DOOR!" Boomed Maniac. He pushed everyone else aside. He grabbed the doorknob, turned it and pulled slightly.
INTENSE F***ING RIDICULOUS LIGHT burst forth, causing all to turn away.
"ARGH! I'VE BEEN ALMOST BLINDED!" Screamed Maniac.
"Watch out, mate! I got this!" Exclaimed Ayvuir, his eyes shielded by the dark visor of his Stig helmet. He threw Maniac aside and opened the door completely.
A fatal explosion of light engulfed the room, killing no one because everyone covered their eyes except for Ayv who didn't need to because his Stig helmet made him immune to the flash. "HA!" He laughed. He looked down to see a tiny finish line on the floor in the doorway. He stepped forward. "Once again... and this never gets old... ACROSS THE-"
Suddenly, the wall behind Ayvuir exploded as a massive laser shot through it.
When the nearly-blinded users opened their eyes, they saw what appeared to be a massive eyeball protruding from the wall behind the door, which was still ajar... and now Ayvuir lay dead. The trap was not the door itself, but lurked on the wall behind it. While the helmet's visor had protected him from the flash of light, it did nothing to protect him from the laser shot at the back of his head... In fact, the visor was still in pristine condition, despite the gaping hole in the back of the helmet.
Maniac ripped the damaged helmet from the corpse, revealing a sickeningly large hole in Ayvuir's skull. "FINALLY! THE JOCKSTRAP OF ULTIMATE POWER IS MINE!" He duct-taped the helmet to his groin and adjusted it. It was... very spacious. "Wow! I've got room for like 2 or 3 boners in this! Sweet!"
"S... *sniffle* S-suck it, Ayv..." Whimpered XIII in a bittersweet scene.
The door was still open, and Caelus motioned for the others to enter it...
Suddenly, Justin whipped around. "CODY YOU TRAITOROUS LITTLE F***!"
No one was there.
"You okay, Justin?" Asked Genesis.
Justin glanced around again, then shrugged. "I'm good..." He walked over to an official 'Death List' posted on a nearby wall. "But I... WE won't forget this!" He stabbed a knife into the death list, at Cod's name (inside reference again >_>)
-- I never said anything about banging her. Also, I wouldn't bang her. -LusterSoldier (on a fat pageant mom whose daughter chugs Mt. Dew)
52th: 57 Whirlybird - Accidentally shot himself in the pelvic region with a shotgun stolen from his stepfather, bled to death. 51th: 30448 MegaWentEvil - Asphyxiation and massive internal bleeding caused be an allergic reaction to Lebron James blood, which he ingested. 45*th: 9459 Catastrophy - The hour-hand of a food clock (a sausage) impaled him in the mouth through the back of the neck. 49rd: 69 Dewott - Turned into an authentic Middle Eastern dude, then devoured by Pterodicktyl, the racist Pterodactyl. 48nd: 9 Ertyu - Took a hard pass of a radioactive football to the chest from former Tennessee Titan Vince Young and exploded. 47st: 2012 Vlado - Dropped into a cauldron of boiling-hot tortellini soup and was scalded/boiled to death. Presumably eaten after cooked. 46th: 33866 RKOsExTha - Buried/Entombed in cement in the depths of Yankee Stadium wearing a David Ortiz Red Sox jersey. 45th: 9999993 Thejp - Suffered from multiple heart attacks and multiple strokes simultaneously, eyeballs and chest literally exploded. 44th: 7476 Todbot - Skull cleaved by Maniac's fire axe when the game suddenly turned from random elimination to battle royale. 43th: 9214 Chrono - Accidentally timehax-exploded by rewinding time to a moment when a concrete building stood in his place. 42th: 4143 Darren - Shot through the heart by a ricocheted bullet from Stan's sniper rifle that would have lodged in the wall that the timehax exploded. 41h: 2713 Tom - Slammed by Voltch's massive gauntlet and sent into a solid metal wall. Bones/organs utterly destroyed. 40th: 121512 SenorHouseMouse - Crucified on an artist canvas then had thirty paintbrushes jammed down his throat, choking him. 39rd: 27085 CheeseCardinal - Poisoned and paralyzed by Crimson's Samuel L. Jackson cheeseburger. Then fell into a pool and drowned. 38nd: 45484 ScareChan - Beaten to death by transgendered person summoned through his own deck of cards by Chronic who was "borrowing" them. 37nd: 170 Smurf - Arm nearly chopped off at the shoulder, then head slammed into slot machine and electrocuted by Maniac. 36st: -809 Pirate - Sliced in half vertically by a gigantic buzzsaw on the ceiling, created via one of XIII's wishes. 35st: -23 SEP - Run-through by Raka's cane sword which first stabbed through SEP's poison, coating the blade. Chest cavity melted from poison. 34th: 12461 Guiga - Jumped off a ship and fell to the sea when he was impaled by a narwhal's horn. Mind-controlled by Dante's Alt. 23th: -67 Dante - Riddled by dozens of bullets from 3KL's "malfunctioning" miniguns, although 3KL was being mind-controlled by Dante's Alt. 32th: 977 Zazi - Spine snapped as he was bent in half by a super-strong Luster who had taken multiple shots of his super-strength Mountain Dew. 31th: 736 Regaro - Opened a wrapped gift from Caelus only to find his own head in it, which was no longer connected to his body. 230th: 52752 Stan - Bitten multiple times and spat at by Lilly the lesbian lizard. Limbs, face and head dissolved by lizard bacteria. 29th: 54157 Fire - Sliced into pieces by razor sharp netting of dead user Regaro's Black Widow net gun after a Survivor vote.
-- I never said anything about banging her. Also, I wouldn't bang her. -LusterSoldier (on a fat pageant mom whose daughter chugs Mt. Dew)
28th: 2 Luster - Burned/utterly blown up. He was too close to Fire when his flamethrower and fire extinguishers ruptured when he was killed. 37th: 19475 Han - Hit/Run over/Splattered/Smeared by extremely fast car driven by Top Gear's James May, summoned by Stig-Ayvuir. 26th: ¬§¼§ Maplejet - (Numbers are too mainstream for a hipster like him). Tight hipster pants created a blood clot that traveled to his brain. 25th: 76 SmartMuffin - Chest torn open randomly by unseen force and ribcage ripped out, spilling organs onto the floor. 24rd: 3400000 MichaelWClark - Stabbed numerous times by sharp bone fragments from SmartMuffin's ribcage, including in the neck and eyes. 23nd: 10136 Mcflubbin - Stabbed and pumped with pressurized air, completely separating his skin from his muscle tissue. 22st: -4740 Inviso - Mauled and torn asunder by a hot, female, anthropomorphic, furry version of Pterodicktyl. 20th: 611 Commodore - Punched in the face, hit with a baseball bat, shot repeatedly and then run over in a taxi by Robert De Niro. 19.5th: -724 3KL - Soul ripped out by Dante's Ghost, then decapitated by a Brogue Kick. Head ended up killing Justin in the process. 19th: 55555 Strahax - Decapitated head of 3KL struck him and knocked him into a vat of liquid nitrogen, where he was instantly frozen to death. 18th: 31789 Maria - Turned into Alien, then into Predator. Thrown into meat grinder and ground up by Machete, disguised as Chris Hansen. 17th: 68372 Cod - Reverse-time-travelled until he was a fetus in his mother's womb. He was then aborted by Figure. 16th: 88700 Mer - Bisected by bullets shot from a Blackhawk helicopter summoned by Ayvuir and his magical Top Gear Stig suit. 15th: 7154 Voltch - Hit by a bolt of lightning, charred and limbs flew off. Modkilled by guest ref Sir Chris for posting after the day ended. 14th: -1 Chronic - Cleaved and crushed simultaneously by the gigantic halberd atop XIII's firetruck when XIII detached it and pushed it over onto him. ??th: 13 XIII - Hit by a tsunami while atop his firetruck. Was washed off the edge of a 100+ story building along with said firetruck. [REVIVED] 13th: 2471 Ryoko - Shot through the head by Justin. Bullet passed harmlessly through Genesis who was flashing-invulnerable from her Sonic ring. 12th: 5966 Naomi - Skewered through the heart by a large wooden splinter from Ryoko's baseball bat, caused by the same bullet that killed Ryoko. 11th: 678328 Raka - Stabbed through the eye and into the brain by Nio and her magical anime pencil (betrayed by own partner). 109th: 262 Nio - Organs and muscles liquidated by extremely powerful soundwaves created by Jeff's Banana dBag music player on max volume. 9th: 85418 JeffRaze - Impaled from top of skull down into torso on a steel pipe protruding from the ceiling when boat shot upward. 8th: 803 Dante's Alt - Was (and still is) sexy... but then killed in a crazy chapter. Excessive drug use and reality manipulation was involved. 7th: 4216937 Ayvuir - Big, deadly laser shot through the back of his skull and left a big hole in his head. Stig helmet couldn't save him.
-- I never said anything about banging her. Also, I wouldn't bang her. -LusterSoldier (on a fat pageant mom whose daughter chugs Mt. Dew)
at folks' place this weekend. not really in writing mood. probably this next week. might accelerate things a little bit. not sure. don't quote me on anything
-- I never said anything about banging her. Also, I wouldn't bang her. -LusterSoldier (on a fat pageant mom whose daughter chugs Mt. Dew)
But did you know they would be the death of the fictional character based on you?
Now that I think on it, dearth by laser would be an awesome way to die. That's right up there with dying laughing, death by chocolate, and being mauled by circus elephants.
GenesisSaga posted... But did you know they would be the death of the fictional character based on you?
Now that I think on it, dearth by laser would be an awesome way to die. That's right up there with dying laughing, death by chocolate, and being mauled by circus elephants.
lol "dearth" >_>
yeah I forgot to bump last night and then forgot again this afternoon so yay good job not letting this purge :)
Hopefully will do another chapter this week. I've lately been encouraged to attempt a serious writing venture (unrelated to b8) so this would probably be back burner if I get started on that, but I will definitely finish (so close at this point lol) and hopefully will do this next chapter soon.
-- I never said anything about banging her. Also, I wouldn't bang her. -LusterSoldier (on a fat pageant mom whose daughter chugs Mt. Dew)
oh yeah also these several posts by us will look like an update to the untrained eye, so a pre-emptive lol @ anyone who sees a bunch of new posts and expects an update and comes in here just to find this exchange instead
-- I never said anything about banging her. Also, I wouldn't bang her. -LusterSoldier (on a fat pageant mom whose daughter chugs Mt. Dew)
The five remaining remainers entered the room that had just been opened. Suddenly, they all gasped.
Inside was Caelus and he was playing Diablo III... well technically wasn't Caelus. It was actually Machete, since Machete is the identity that Caelus chose for his characters and account.
"Hey," said Machete.
"What the hell are YOU doing here?! I thought you disappeared like the other alts!" Asked Caelus in surprise.
"Diablo III, brah," replied Machete.
"Where the hell is Figure? I demand answers!" Demanded Caelus.
"I dunno. He disappeared before I left to come down here and play Diablo III," explained Machete.
"Why the f*** would you drag your computer all the way down here just to play Diablo III, which is awesome by the way and I encourage everyone to play it!" Asked/Ranted Caelus.
Machete laughed. "Haven't you heard the song 'The Internet is Always Better When You're Deep Underground in an Elevator,' man?"
XIII's head fell off in response to that question.
Everyone laughed at the sight gag, then looked back at Caelus.
XIII's body wobbled back and forth a bit, little spurts of blood fountaining up and out of his neck from major blood vessels. Finally, it toppled over and a puddle of blood formed and expanded along the floor.
"Uhh, aren't you going to fix him?" Asked Genesis to Caelus. She and the others were expecting Caelus to simply instantly repair XIII as he always would in the event of an injury/death that happened simply as a comedic sight scene-device.
"You can't meta this one," replied Caelus with a sigh. "It was his time to go and that was the way it needed to happen. Unfortunately I can't fix him this time. That wasn't a sight gag at all. That was..." He sighed again, more deeply this time. "For reals."
"Don't look at ME," exclaimed Machete with a shrug. "I'm just an alt."
Caelus pushed a button on the wall and the room began to move downward.
After some time, there was a ding and Machete's computer desk which was the door opened, causing his computer to fall onto the floor.
"HEY WHAT THE F***?!" Screamed Machete, picking up his damaged computer.
Caelus and the others ignored him and walked out of the elevator.
"Whoa! Where ARE we?" Asked Justin, looking around. He couldn't even comprehend his surroundings. Words did not exist that could provide anything close to an accurate description of where the final five were.
"Technically, we're in my mind," answered Caelus. "It's the only safe way for me to bring you guys into my world. You're not capable of existing in it normally the way I do. It's no secret that I'm an advanced being. In fact, I'm so advanced that I exist in a plane of reality that is beyond yours. Your kind does not exist in it, so I have to smuggle you all in as entities of my mind. Anyway, I'll be back in a bit. I have some stuff to do."
The five users decided to just chill in Caelus' mind until he got back. They really didn't have a choice because they couldn't exactly comprehend what was going on.
"What the f*** is Caelus on THIS time?!" Crimson was perceived to be asking in a point in time that was not relative to any other point in time.
"You guys... I don't get it. I've been in a lot of Caelus project, but I do not get this..." Explained L3fty, who was no longer able to determine which way was l3ft, which was r1ght or what existed in be2ween.
"This is some 'Being John Malkovich' s*** right here..." Genesis' thoughts ebbed from an indistinct corner.
-- I never said anything about banging her. Also, I wouldn't bang her. -LusterSoldier (on a fat pageant mom whose daughter chugs Mt. Dew)
"I'm an infinite loop," announced Maniac's resounding presence.
Suddenly, all five of them realized this chapter wasn't really that funny. It seemed like an entirely different direction, though what that direction was and why were both unclear.
-
Meanwhile, Machete was still playing Diablo III... or at least he had been. Now he was talking to someone on a cellphone... "Yeah, he came through here..." (pause) "No... who?" (pause) "No, he was alone. He talked about Diablo III and then knocked my computer over..." (pause) "Exactly! Same s*** he always does!" (pause and laugh) "HAHA I know right?" (pause) "No ambition is right. The dude's been doing this a long time and he's still entry level. And you took over in your world and no you're soloing it! I admire that." (pause) "Right, well that's the way you gotta do it. Take over and banish the dude who was there before you. In fact... Oh you're gonna love this! He ended up HERE of all places!" (pause and chuckle) "No I'm not bulls***ting! He got killed earlier and Caelus brought him back for some reason and just a little while ago his head fell off." (longer pause) "Wait, what do you mean good job dispatching the alts?" (pause) "No, that wasn't me. I've been planning to overthrow Caelus but I had nothing to do with the other alts." (pause) "You think he..." (pause) "But I'm the one with evil plans, not him!" Machete frowned during the next pause. "Yeah I probably should look into it. Good idea. Anyway it was good talking to you again, Minio. Good luck wrapping things up over there." (pause) "Okay, peace." He hung up the phone and frowned. "If taking out all his other alts wasn't Caelus' idea... and it wasn't MY idea... Just what the hell is going on?" Machete asked himself out loud.
-
Back in Caelus' mind, Maniac was running around, poking at things.
"What are you DOING?" Asked Genesis, slightly annoyed.
"We're in his mind, right? I figure I can poke at his brain and make him do stuff," explained Maniac. "Then I can control Caelus!"
"Hey, yeah! Good idea! If we can control him, we can get us the hell out of this f***ing freaky place!" Agreed Justin.
"Get out of here? I was just planning on making him drop his trousers in public. That would be embarrassing," laughed Maniac.
-
In the "outside" world (from the perspective of Caelus), Caelus walked down a long corridor, not unlike the long corridor at the bottom of the elevator from before. It was no longer dark, in fact it was well lit. Caelus entered a room beyond a door that would have even been there if Caelus was not the person there to open it. He smiled and nodded to various coworkers, most of whom where doing paperwork. He worked his way into the employee break room.
"Fancy meeting YOU here," cackled Ulti.
"Oh hey, Ulti," replied Caelus.
"I'd love to stay and chat, but I'm 28 and a half minutes into my half hour lunch break and I have to take a leak before I get back to work," explained Ulti, getting up out of his seat. "Later, loser."
"Peace, dickbag," chuckled Caelus, giving a casual salute-like hand gesture.
-- I never said anything about banging her. Also, I wouldn't bang her. -LusterSoldier (on a fat pageant mom whose daughter chugs Mt. Dew)
He sat down in the now vacant break room and made a sandwich appear out of thin air, along with some chips. He picked up a chip and walked over to a table with a large cage on it. "Here ya go, little buddy!" He said cheerfully, dropping a chip into the cage. A small, white critter scurried over and quickly began to eat the chip. It was clearly some sort of office pet. Suddenly, Caelus had a random thought. "Aw, man... really? I just went on f***ing break. God damn it..."
-
"Is it working?" Asked Crimson.
"I don't know!" Snapped Maniac, who was furiously humping some sort of impossibly designed structure.
Caelus suddenly appeared. "It's that time again, folks..."
"What time?" Asked L3fty.
Caelus sighed. "You know, I'm really beginning to like you knuckleheads. It's a shame I have to do this..."
Suddenly there was a microwave right there in Caelus' mind, similar to the microwave in the office break room "outside" but not the same microwave though, just a similar one.
An awkward look crossed Crimson's face as she realized she was the one inside the machine (god damn it I almost typed machete there out of habit instead of machine). "Maniac, honey! Help me!" She pleaded.
Maniac threw himself to the floor dramatically. "NOOOO! TAKE ME INSTEAD! I WILL GLADLY GIVE MY LIFE SO THAT MY BELOVED MAY SURVIVE!" He cried.
"Yeah! That!" Agreed Crimson, beginning to panic.
Caelus shook his head. "Sorry, it doesn't work that way, I'm afraid." He pushed a button on the microwave.
"FINE THEN F*** YOU TOO A******!" Yelled Crimson from inside the deadly device. Her blood quickly began to heat up and reach a boil as her flesh became unstable. Thankfully for her, she was dead before she exploded, but she did explode nonetheless.
Maniac looked on in disbelief, tears flowing freely down his stunned cheeks. He then turned to Genesis. "Guess who's single now, babeh?" He winked.
Genesis turned away, too disgusted at Maniac to even reply.
-
"Damn it!" Snapped Machete. "OPEN OPEN OPEN!" He punched and kicked the door that Caelus had entered not long ago. "WHY WON'T YOU F***ING OPEN?!"
-- I never said anything about banging her. Also, I wouldn't bang her. -LusterSoldier (on a fat pageant mom whose daughter chugs Mt. Dew)
Suddenly, Ulti appeared out of nowhere. "Whoa, take a chill pill, guy!" He exclaimed with a chuckle.
"I'M NOT YOUR GUY, BUDDY!" Screamed Machete. "Seriously, I need to get in there."
"You're just an alt!" Laughed Ulti. "You KNOW you can't go in there!"
"But there's shenanigans about to happen and I have important information about them! I need to see someone in charge! If you don't let me in, shenanigans WILL happen! DO YOU WANT SHENANIGANS ON YOUR HANDS, ULTI?! DO YOU?!" Machete screamed in desperation, referring to what he had just been able to discover about Caelus' plans.
Ulti did not answer immediately, but eventually replied, "And I'm supposed to give a s*** because... why?"
Machete scoffed angrily. "Listen, this game that we play... it has rules, we both know that... and we both know that Caelus doesn't exactly... maintain an awareness of what those rules are. Does he mean to break them? Usually not. Is he just an incompetent moron who just f***s up a lot? Most of the time... but I have reason to believe he might actually know what he's doing this time. The disappearing alts, the overlap with your project and other projects, the inconsistencies in the plot and constant change of venue. He's testing the waters... I feel that this time... and it pains me to say this... Caelus actually knows what he's doing."
Ulti took a moment to absorb the information and then he frowned. "Your his alt. Why would you blow the whistle on him if he's planning shenanigans?"
"You're right. I am his alt. So was Figure and the rest of them. They're all dead now and I have reason to believe Caelus was responsible!" Explained Machete.
"So he killed his own alts? That's it?" Laughed Ulti. "They're his alts and therefore his property. He can do with them as he pleases. Sorry, dude but if you're f***ed, that's your problem." Ulti began to walk away.
Machete began shaking his fists slightly, in a way that was reminiscent of Voltch, but slightly more subtle. "He feels compassion toward his subjects."
Ulti froze. After several seconds, he turned around. "That drunken buffoon feels compassion? You're mistaken or full of s***!"
Machete tossed a zargle to Ulti. (A zargle is a high-tech data storage unit that doesn't exist in this world but is the primary data storage unit used in the "outside" world. It uses technology that mere humans can't understand but in the "outside" world, it's just the equivalent of a 4gb flash drive).
Ulti plugged the zargle into his mobile gleeeeb unit (equivalent of a laptop) and began to assimilate the data into the part of his mind that analyzes data. He frowned. "Okay, alt... I can see you have a point here. I'll open the door for you, but only if I get all the credit for figuring this out..."
"Fine, whatever," agreed Machete.
Ulti opened the door and Machete entered the office-like area that no alt had ever previously entered.
Caelus sensed Machete's presence and went inside of his own mind.
"You guys, I need you all to shut the f*** up in here okay? Sorry for being a dick about it, but we've got a crisis. I'll explain later... to one of you that is. The other three will be dead by then for sure. In any case, they can't know that you're in here, so keep quiet." He disappeared.
In the break room, Caelus stood up from his seat and faced the door expressionlessly.
In the cage, the tiny white critter scurried underneath a large fake rock to hide, as it too sensed that something serious was about to occur.
"Machete... you little f***head," muttered Caelus under his breath...
TO BE CONTINUED!...
-- I never said anything about banging her. Also, I wouldn't bang her. -LusterSoldier (on a fat pageant mom whose daughter chugs Mt. Dew)
52th: 57 Whirlybird - Accidentally shot himself in the pelvic region with a shotgun stolen from his stepfather, bled to death. 51th: 30448 MegaWentEvil - Asphyxiation and massive internal bleeding caused be an allergic reaction to Lebron James blood, which he ingested. 45*th: 9459 Catastrophy - The hour-hand of a food clock (a sausage) impaled him in the mouth through the back of the neck. 49rd: 69 Dewott - Turned into an authentic Middle Eastern dude, then devoured by Pterodicktyl, the racist Pterodactyl. 48nd: 9 Ertyu - Took a hard pass of a radioactive football to the chest from former Tennessee Titan Vince Young and exploded. 47st: 2012 Vlado - Dropped into a cauldron of boiling-hot tortellini soup and was scalded/boiled to death. Presumably eaten after cooked. 46th: 33866 RKOsExTha - Buried/Entombed in cement in the depths of Yankee Stadium wearing a David Ortiz Red Sox jersey. 45th: 9999993 Thejp - Suffered from multiple heart attacks and multiple strokes simultaneously, eyeballs and chest literally exploded. 44th: 7476 Todbot - Skull cleaved by Maniac's fire axe when the game suddenly turned from random elimination to battle royale. 43th: 9214 Chrono - Accidentally timehax-exploded by rewinding time to a moment when a concrete building stood in his place. 42th: 4143 Darren - Shot through the heart by a ricocheted bullet from Stan's sniper rifle that would have lodged in the wall that the timehax exploded. 41h: 2713 Tom - Slammed by Voltch's massive gauntlet and sent into a solid metal wall. Bones/organs utterly destroyed. 40th: 121512 SenorHouseMouse - Crucified on an artist canvas then had thirty paintbrushes jammed down his throat, choking him. 39rd: 27085 CheeseCardinal - Poisoned and paralyzed by Crimson's Samuel L. Jackson cheeseburger. Then fell into a pool and drowned. 38nd: 45484 ScareChan - Beaten to death by transgendered person summoned through his own deck of cards by Chronic who was "borrowing" them. 37nd: 170 Smurf - Arm nearly chopped off at the shoulder, then head slammed into slot machine and electrocuted by Maniac. 36st: -809 Pirate - Sliced in half vertically by a gigantic buzzsaw on the ceiling, created via one of XIII's wishes. 35st: -23 SEP - Run-through by Raka's cane sword which first stabbed through SEP's poison, coating the blade. Chest cavity melted from poison. 34th: 12461 Guiga - Jumped off a ship and fell to the sea when he was impaled by a narwhal's horn. Mind-controlled by Dante's Alt. 23th: -67 Dante - Riddled by dozens of bullets from 3KL's "malfunctioning" miniguns, although 3KL was being mind-controlled by Dante's Alt. 32th: 977 Zazi - Spine snapped as he was bent in half by a super-strong Luster who had taken multiple shots of his super-strength Mountain Dew. 31th: 736 Regaro - Opened a wrapped gift from Caelus only to find his own head in it, which was no longer connected to his body. 230th: 52752 Stan - Bitten multiple times and spat at by Lilly the lesbian lizard. Limbs, face and head dissolved by lizard bacteria. 29th: 54157 Fire - Sliced into pieces by razor sharp netting of dead user Regaro's Black Widow net gun after a Survivor vote.
-- I never said anything about banging her. Also, I wouldn't bang her. -LusterSoldier (on a fat pageant mom whose daughter chugs Mt. Dew)
28th: 2 Luster - Burned/utterly blown up. He was too close to Fire when his flamethrower and fire extinguishers ruptured when he was killed. 37th: 19475 Han - Hit/Run over/Splattered/Smeared by extremely fast car driven by Top Gear's James May, summoned by Stig-Ayvuir. 26th: ¬§¼§ Maplejet - (Numbers are too mainstream for a hipster like him). Tight hipster pants created a blood clot that traveled to his brain. 25th: 76 SmartMuffin - Chest torn open randomly by unseen force and ribcage ripped out, spilling organs onto the floor. 24rd: 3400000 MichaelWClark - Stabbed numerous times by sharp bone fragments from SmartMuffin's ribcage, including in the neck and eyes. 23nd: 10136 Mcflubbin - Stabbed and pumped with pressurized air, completely separating his skin from his muscle tissue. 22st: -4740 Inviso - Mauled and torn asunder by a hot, female, anthropomorphic, furry version of Pterodicktyl. 20th: 611 Commodore - Punched in the face, hit with a baseball bat, shot repeatedly and then run over in a taxi by Robert De Niro. 19.5th: -724 3KL - Soul ripped out by Dante's Ghost, then decapitated by a Brogue Kick. Head ended up killing Justin in the process. 19th: 55555 Strahax - Decapitated head of 3KL struck him and knocked him into a vat of liquid nitrogen, where he was instantly frozen to death. 18th: 31789 Maria - Turned into Alien, then into Predator. Thrown into meat grinder and ground up by Machete, disguised as Chris Hansen. 17th: 68372 Cod - Reverse-time-travelled until he was a fetus in his mother's womb. He was then aborted by Figure. 16th: 88700 Mer - Bisected by bullets shot from a Blackhawk helicopter summoned by Ayvuir and his magical Top Gear Stig suit. 15th: 7154 Voltch - Hit by a bolt of lightning, charred and limbs flew off. Modkilled by guest ref Sir Chris for posting after the day ended. 14th: -1 Chronic - Cleaved and crushed simultaneously by the gigantic halberd atop XIII's firetruck when XIII detached it and pushed it over onto him. ??th: 13 XIII - Hit by a tsunami while atop his firetruck. Was washed off the edge of a 100+ story building along with said firetruck. [REVIVED] 13th: 2471 Ryoko - Shot through the head by Justin. Bullet passed harmlessly through Genesis who was flashing-invulnerable from her Sonic ring. 12th: 5966 Naomi - Skewered through the heart by a large wooden splinter from Ryoko's baseball bat, caused by the same bullet that killed Ryoko. 11th: 678328 Raka - Stabbed through the eye and into the brain by Nio and her magical anime pencil (betrayed by own partner). 109th: 262 Nio - Organs and muscles liquidated by extremely powerful soundwaves created by Jeff's Banana dBag music player on max volume. 9th: 85418 JeffRaze - Impaled from top of skull down into torso on a steel pipe protruding from the ceiling when boat shot upward. 8th: 803 Dante's Alt - Was (and still is) sexy... but then killed in a crazy chapter. Excessive drug use and reality manipulation was involved. 7th: 4216937 Ayvuir - Big, deadly laser shot through the back of his skull and left a big hole in his head. Stig helmet couldn't save him. 6th: 13 XIII - Died for real this time. Head inexplicably fell off after a bad joke was made by Machete. No further explanation was given. 5th: 3333 Crimson - Was put into microwave. Cooked/radiated, blood boiled, flesh melted etc. eventually blew up from microwaving.