Current Events > DarkRoast Drama Topic 3: 2 Dark 4 Roasting

(+) Yeah! (+)

Holy hell, I really need to figure out how dresses work.

But I look so fucking cute, guy me is turned on just looking at me. Thats so weird lol.

DarkRoast posted...

Holy hell, I really need to figure out how dresses work.

But I look so fucking cute, guy me is turned on just looking at me. Thats so weird lol.

I dont get turned on by myself but the merest thought of the lady in a vaguely sexual context andyeah.

ElatedVenusaur posted...

I dont get turned on by myself but the merest thought of the lady in a vaguely sexual context andyeah.

See Im in this bizarre no mans land where I can still 100% enter guy mode and see myself in the mirror as a totally different person. I know that sounds insane.

DarkRoast posted...

See Im in this bizarre no mans land where I can still 100% enter guy mode and see myself in the mirror as a totally different person. I know that sounds insane.

It's almost like you have a "Inner Persona".

DarkRoast posted...

See Im in this bizarre no mans land where I can still 100% enter guy mode and see myself in the mirror as a totally different person. I know that sounds insane.

Honestly sounds like a superpower to me, but maybe that's just "grass is greener" stuff.

CyricZ posted...

Honestly sounds like a superpower to me, but maybe that's just "grass is greener" stuff.

I honest-to-goodness can just switch genders on the fly. My entire thought process and everything.

It's actually a lot easier to revert to male since I've been one for decades.

Got a call from my best friend asking how Im doing. Had a long talk about how I dont want to lose him as a best friend if Im a girl, he laughed and said it didnt matter what gender I am. Felt good to hear that.

Then I told him I cant wait to see what our child looks like, and you could tell it hit him hard. He kinda choked up a bit, I could tell. I told him I have trusted him since we were in kindergarten and we can get through this, as weird as it is.

Its weird. It will always be weird. But he was the only one I would even consider. He didnt plan on having children (hes gay) but when I approached him, he said yes.

So anyway, we kind of just stayed on the phone in silence for a while. I asked him to be there at the delivery of our child. He was worried it might ruin the moment with me and my wife. I told him its our child, yours and mine, we made this child together and he started crying over the phone, saying he loves me and will be there for me. I told him Ive loved him since the day we met and Im honored to have a child with him.

So anyway we cried a lot. We talked about our childhood and all the trouble we got into together. Theres a kind of love you have with your best friend that cant even be quantified. I told him I hope our baby looks like him, so I can see him everyday.

He still hasnt returned my copy of Vectorman on Genesis.

DarkRoast posted...

So anyway we cried a lot. We talked about our childhood and all the trouble we got into together. Theres a kind of love you have with your best friend that cant even be quantified. I told him I hope our baby looks like him, so I can see him everyday.

This is so beautiful.

He still hasnt returned my copy of Vectorman on Genesis.

Fuck that guy.

I honest-to-goodness can just switch genders on the fly. My entire thought process and everything.

It's actually a lot easier to revert to male since I've been one for decades.

You know in Yakuza games where the characters can switch fighting styles?

*point*

Beans is CE's own Ranma.

What are the odds? One my best work friends, a small witchy pagan goth type who works in the department next to mine, has been complaining to me lately about having allergic reactions to a bunch of stuff that didn't previously trigger allergic reactions. Well, tonight, she talked to me some and told me she worries she has....Mast Cell Activation Syndrome!

I tried not to scare her too much (I've talked a bit with her about girlfriend's health, so blurting out that's what my girlfriend has wasn't the best start), since I could tell she was (understandably) upset about the prospect, but I did send your handy-dandy guide to OTC anti-histamines her way as well. Just in case.

Questionmarktarius posted...

Beans is CE's own Ranma.

Lol I guess I am

DarkRoast posted...

Lol I guess I am

And you don't need Hot/Cold water to change.

Kamen_Rider_Blade posted...

And you don't need Hot/Cold water to change.

We actually don't know that.

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/user_image/6/6/0/AAeEwGAAD9Vc.jpg

Fml

I'm up. I'm breathing. I'm walking forward.

This is just one of those days where I have to remind myself to keep at it.

I'm so sick of this work abuse. I was promised a census cap of 16, but I'm starting with 20

I actually had to push back against one of my clients late last week. One of the scientists was asking me to do some process research (not something you typically ask of a safety consultant). They asked on a Friday wanting results by Tuesday (the day I'm normally onsite).

I talked to my boss because I suspected this is work I'm not scoped for and he's like "you're certainly not".

At least I've got that in my job: a boss who will back me up.

I'm sorry you're going through this, DarkRoast. :(

I'm seriously worried about my mental health. This kind of constant workplace abuse can lead to actual mental breakdowns.

Throw pregnancy and a sudden gender transition on top of that. That's where I'm at.

And yet we still go to work, CZ

Still putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward. I don't know what else to do at this point. I chose this path, now I have to walk it.

One of these days we should get mad and smash stuff.

That day will not be today. It will probably not be tomorrow either.

CyricZ posted...

One of these days we should get mad and smash stuff.

That day will not be today. It will probably not be tomorrow either.

Meanwhile I'm in the charting room, crying my eyes out.

Me, INTJ DarkRoast.

I don't know how much longer I can hold it together...

This pregnancy has been rough on you, and I assure you that gender transition in any shape or form is very demanding in terms of mental and emotional bandwidth.

And you have been overworked for years. Its just now your emotions are on fire and you cant ignore the strain anymore.

You can do it.

I'm trying my best to hold it together. I'm normally pretty tough and resilient. But these things are like the ocean waves slowly and repeatedly hitting a rock - over time it starts to wear down, even if the rock handles each wave OK.

I promise I'm not normally this weak

I cant go do rounds because I cant stop crying

Sounds like you need to talk to somebody so you can calm down.

Nobody cares here. Im just a work bot to them.

Can you telephone somebody?

I dont want to. I just want all this to end. Im tired. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I give up. Cant do this anymore.

DarkRoast posted...

Nobody cares here. Im just a work bot to them.

DarkRoast posted...

I dont want to. I just want all this to end. Im tired. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I give up. Cant do this anymore.

Well yeah, we all are under capitalism. Especially in this godforsaken country. We don't give anyone quarter, let alone those who need grace the most, like people who are currently pregnant. It's fucking depressing, but the only people looking out for ourselves at work are ourselves and maybe our coworkers.

DarkRoast posted...

I dont want to. I just want all this to end. Im tired. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I give up. Cant do this anymore.

Take a deep breath.
Put your hand on your tummy.
Think of Lina.
You can handle the next hours for them.

I used to be normal :(
I didn't have these problems, I was normal :(
I've never been weak like this

DarkRoast posted...

I dont want to. I just want all this to end. Im tired. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I give up. Cant do this anymore.

Is going on leave not an option? I think you need it now more than ever, for you and your baby.

Can you get a medical leave for a few weeks? Just to recharge. You need to prioritize yourself and baby. I took leave during my pregnancy when my company was trying to take advantage of me. I dont know how it works for doctors but do you have FMLA you can use?

DarkRoast posted...

I used to be normal :(
I didn't have these problems, I was normal :(
I've never been weak like this

You are not weak. You merely feel the entirety of the burden placed upon you by an uncaring boss and society.

yunalenne10 posted...

Is going on leave not an option? I think you need it now more than ever, for you and your baby.

There aren't enough doctors to staff the hospital even at baseline. I don't have a choice.

The rules are different for doctors.

DarkRoast posted...

There aren't enough doctors to staff the hospital even at baseline. I don't have a choice.

The rules are different for doctors.

What happens if you do? Do you actually not have a choice or are you telling yourself that?

DarkRoast posted...

There aren't enough doctors to staff the hospital even at baseline. I don't have a choice.

The rules are different for doctors.

That's terrible... They're burning you out for the sake of the hospital...

DarkRoast posted...

I'm trying my best to hold it together. I'm normally pretty tough and resilient. But these things are like the ocean waves slowly and repeatedly hitting a rock - over time it starts to wear down, even if the rock handles each wave OK.

I promise I'm not normally this weak

Don't even think that, you've had 1000+ replies of support and it continues here. No one thinks you are weak, and there is nothing wrong with emotion.

Lots of people are here for you, everything is going to be okay. Take it a moment at a time, a day at a time, use your support team. You got this.

Cleo_II posted...

What happens if you do? Do you actually not have a choice or are you telling yourself that?

I can have my license suspended for patient abandonment, and no hospital will ever hire me again

You have access to near unlimited combinations with women's clothing, only downside is lack of proper pockets.

Trumpo posted...

You have access to near unlimited combinations with women's clothing, only downside is lack of proper pockets.

Wtf is your problem

DarkRoast posted...

I can have my license suspended for patient abandonment, and no hospital will ever hire me again

That sounds horrible. Is there no process to take a formal leave without repercussions? Like if the pregnancy was high risk? At this point your mental health and the health of your pregnancy are more important than anything. Working these insane hours will wear you out and jeopardize your health and that of your babys.

I'm just gonna go do rounds. Not like I have a choice.

DarkRoast posted...

I used to be normal :(
I didn't have these problems, I was normal :(
I've never been weak like this

Your life have been turned upside down multiple times in a short period of time, you got a new life growing inside you and you are overfilled with hormones, a weak person would have given up months ago.
Even the strongest breaks down if there is too much going on, you are doing great that have done it this far.

Foppe posted...

Your life have been turned upside down multiple times in a short period of time, you got a new life growing inside you and you are overfilled with hormones, a weak person would have given up months ago.
Even the strongest breaks down if there is too much going on, you are doing great that have done it this far.

Yeah, please try not to beat yourself up so much and try be kind to yourself. You're doing so well considering everything that is happening to you.

Youre not weak youre being worked to the ground and youre spent. Thats besides also being pregnant and struggling with pregnancy induced panic disorder. ON TOP of managing your struggles with gender identity. Please stop beating yourself up. Youve got so much on your plate.

Foppe posted...

Your life have been turned upside down multiple times in a short period of time, you got a new life growing inside you and you are overfilled with hormones, a weak person would have given up months ago.
Even the strongest breaks down if there is too much going on, you are doing great that have done it this far.

Thanks, not really sure what to add other than I chose this path, I guess I need to learn how to deal with it lol

Cleo_II posted...

Youre not weak youre being worked to the ground and youre spent. Thats besides also being pregnant and struggling with pregnancy induced panic disorder. ON TOP of managing your struggles with gender identity. Please stop beating yourself up. Youve got so much on your plate.

I know, but one of the unfortunate things about medicine is that nobody is there to heal the healer. There's just an expectation that we can live superhuman lives.