Poll of the Day > How do you deal with self centered loved ones?

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My sister doesn't care about anyone but herself, our mom bought her 2 different cars that she was supposed to pay her back for and ran both of them into the ground without paying for them. Recently she moved back in and got a job 45 minutes away, since she ran the car into the ground she either needs a ride there and back or just take my mom's car for the day and she's not even making good money. She could have gotten a job 5 minutes away for the same pay, or even more but decided she'd rather be a huge burden on all of us just so she can have a job she likes. Am I wrong for being angry about this? It pisses me off that she didn't take the burden she puts on the rest of us into consideration when getting a job.

How do you deal with people like this?

If her parents are letting her do what she's doing then it's not your problem since her actions don't seem to be affecting you in any way. You deal with it by not caring and minding your business

You dont. You accept that there are some things you cant control and worry about yourself. Its her job to work so its her choice of which one to do.

Well...if everyone is functioning at a relatively high level the right answer would be to sit down and plan out what's fair and what isn't with those that are most affected. Without conversation/boundaries mooching is way too easy...and once moochers get used to mooching they feel attacked if you stop enabling them (often to increasing degrees).

I'm not sure you're really in the position to do that, though: it might be your parents' job.

You're not wrong to be annoyed unless there are legitimate excuses/other factors.

Mensis posted...

If her parents are letting her do what she's doing then it's not your problem since her actions don't seem to be affecting you in any way. You deal with it by not caring and minding your business

It does effect me, I'm wasting gas and hours of my time every week to drive her to work, if I didn't then my mom or brother would have to take off of work/school to drive her/let her use the car. I wouldn't have a problem giving her rides either if it was closer or she was making good money but she's not, she wants a 45 minute ride, so 1.5 hours round trip each time, to make the same that should could get just about anywhere.

You have the ability to tell her you aren't giving her rides. You can't control anyone else.

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ignore them. family that won't change are not worth giving energy to.

Muscles posted...

It does effect me, I'm wasting gas and hours of my time every week to drive her to work, if I didn't then my mom or brother would have to take off of work/school to drive her/let her use the car. I wouldn't have a problem giving her rides either if it was closer or she was making good money but she's not, she wants a 45 minute ride, so 1.5 hours round trip each time, to make the same that should could get just about anywhere.

You may call yourself Muscles but you are in desperate need of a spine, assuming this isn't just shit you're making up.

yeah I would say 'fuck no' outright to a request like that

jsb0714 posted...

You may call yourself Muscles but you are in desperate need of a spine, assuming this isn't just shit you're making up.

Why do I need a spine? Because I'm helping my mom and brother by driving her? She Could use my mom's car but then my brother wouldn't have a way to school and my mom wouldn't be able to use it either, I would rather help them so all 3 aren't sharing 1 car

Muscles posted...

Why do I need a spine? Because I'm helping my mom and brother by driving her? She Could use my mom's car but then my brother wouldn't have a way to school and my mom wouldn't be able to use it either, I would rather help them so all 3 aren't sharing 1 car

or. Mommy Muscles, Brother Muscles, and Mr. Muscles all don't lend her their cars. You're all enabling each other. Mommy Muscles already blew it by buying her a car.

I borrow my father's car once in a while to get to work, but am not reliant on it. I bus to work, and any time my father needs the car - it's his car. I don't arbitrarily get access to it. If I'm in need of it, we plan things.

Muscles posted...

How do you deal with people like this?

As little as possible. Luckily most, if not all, of my immediate family are not like that.

The one that some think is, is actually just very direct about when he does not care about people.

Muscles posted...

Why do I need a spine? Because I'm helping my mom and brother by driving her? She Could use my mom's car but then my brother wouldn't have a way to school and my mom wouldn't be able to use it either, I would rather help them so all 3 aren't sharing 1 car

Uh oh! The BS detector is going crazy! No way are you the answer to the problem.

Muscles posted...

How do you deal with self centered loved ones?

I dealt with it by disowning half my family.

My father's side of the family I rarely see (other than my one aunt occasionally), but that's less family drama and more just that everyone in that family is mostly older, busy, and kind of scattered, so we just drifted apart. But I'm still friendly enough with them if I see them at some social occasion or another (at this point in life, mostly funerals).

But my mother's side of the family I've actively disowned. I go out of my way to avoid them at all costs, and as far as I'm concerned, they're effectively dead to me. In my world, they do not exist. And most of them live way closer than my father's relatives do, so in their case it's active avoidance rather than just distance and apathy.



Muscles posted...

Am I wrong for being angry about this?

No, but as others have already pointed out, if it bothers you that much and yet you still refuse to man up and actually do something about it, you're also part of the problem.

Shitty people get away with being shitty because other people facilitate their shittiness. If neither you nor anyone else in your family ever put your foot down, she will never stop being shitty - and you will 100% deserve it.

At which point, you are wrong for being angry, because you're the reason why it's happening.

Muscles posted...

How do you deal with self centered loved ones?

Limiting exposure. It was one of the reasons I moved out.

Muscles posted...

How do you deal with people like this?

Ignore them as much as possible for 10 years, throw them in a nursing home once they can't take care of themselves anymore, continue to ignore them for another 2 1/2 years until hours before their death. Then ignore all the bill collectors until they stop bothering you.

Or at least that is how I handled my mom, your mileage may vary.

Tell her you either need to start charging her for the time, gas, and car wear, or she'll have to figure out a different way to get to work. You can give her some time to sort things out, but ultimately you need to say no to her. Yes, that'll result in her leaning on your mom/brother instead, but preventing that isn't your responsibility. Support them as needed to also say no to her, but don't let your desire to make things easier for them leave you stuck with the burden of dealing with her.

The bottom line is that you can't stop somebody from being selfishly codependent by enabling their selfish codependency. You have to tell them there's a problem and work with them to solve it.

Muscles posted...

My sister doesn't care about anyone but herself, our mom bought her 2 different cars that she was supposed to pay her back for and ran both of them into the ground without paying for them. Recently she moved back in and got a job 45 minutes away, since she ran the car into the ground she either needs a ride there and back or just take my mom's car for the day and she's not even making good money. She could have gotten a job 5 minutes away for the same pay, or even more but decided she'd rather be a huge burden on all of us just so she can have a job she likes. Am I wrong for being angry about this? It pisses me off that she didn't take the burden she puts on the rest of us into consideration when getting a job.

How do you deal with people like this?

I tell them to take the bus. Your lack of wheels or poor planning is not my problem.

I mean if your parents and even yourself are babysitting her she's not going to care man. I'd tell her to sort her own shit out and if she can't then tough.

DarkMinun posted...

I tell them to take the bus.

Same if possible. She put herself in this situation so it's up to her to sort it.