Current Events > My wife passed away July 17th with utilizing MAID. Join my healing journey.

(+) Yeah! (+)

Different people grieve different ways. My friends father had multiple strokes in a row leaving him in home care, he was in his late 50s, passed in his 60s. During that time my friends mother grew close to a former coworker of his. It's how she dealt with the bad situation she had been dealing with. Her husband that she loved was a shell of his former self and was prone to aggressive mood swings. Rather than be troubled by watching after a dying man, she fell in love with someone who helped her get through a rough time. Didn't mean she didn't love her dying husband, but she loved the man he was, not the man he became.

There was a 0 percent chance he was going to get any better, and every time they saw him afterwards he had gotten worse and worse. Sure it was strange at first to me, but the man she started dating was a real sweetheart of a man.

I dunno what it is, but tonight has been a little tougher. It's been a hot minute since I've missed her presence this much. I just want her to be here, tell me she loves me, that sort of thing.

We loved each other so much and in the less positive parts of my mind I'm so fucking horrifyingly scared I won't find anything close ever again. Logically I know I loved before my wife and I know that I will find someone again, but logic doesn't always win that argument between it and abject fear.

28 days. It feels like it's both been so much longer and then at times it feels like it was yesterday. Maybe without realizing it my subconscious just realized this is basically a month now since and my mind was like, "Cry. You've been really strong for most of this. It's safe, be sad right now"

I was also talking about with a different friend group. Kinda like "friends of friends" who didn't know my wife. Maybe just talking about it and explaining it put it all in my mind and eventually in a quiet part of the evening it all just flooded back.

It's going to be a long time before you're actually over it. Let yourself cry when you feel it. Hell, I cried about one of my dogs off and on for over two years, so I can't even imagine how it feels to lose someone as significant as who you lost.

You're an amazing man. May Lindsay rest in peace.

I asked out my colleague today.

She very politely declined a date and explained she has never been the kind of person who wants to combine her professional life with personal relationships like that. I definitely respect that and it was a thought I had myself throughout deciding to ask her out. I could overanalyze and wonder if she was just letting me down easy, but she's not that type of person.

I'm not devastated or anything like that. Disappointed for sure but also like... I haven't done this in 12 years so it was nice to go for it, y'know?

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

I asked out my colleague today.

She very politely declined a date and explained she has never been the kind of person who wants to combine her professional life with personal relationships like that. I definitely respect that and it was a thought I had myself throughout deciding to ask her out. I could overanalyze and wonder if she was just letting me down easy, but she's not that type of person.

I'm not devastated or anything like that. Disappointed for sure but also like... I haven't done this in 12 years so it was nice to go for it, y'know?

You were kinda counting on that ...a possible relationship with that person. Now what?

SweetNut_Farm posted...

You were kinda counting on that ...a possible relationship with that person. Now what?

There are a lot of people in this world and the right opportunities will come up to meet someone else cool and it will just feel right, you know?

I'm not gonna try to force it. I asked her because it felt right to do. I am gonna keep up that sort of mentality. If it feels right to do, go for it.

Disappointed but not discouraged.

My colleague and I are working together today and everything is cool. We have the same dynamic and it's not awkward or anything.

I am super happy about that. Our workplace is awesome and we have such a good time together. There is always the worry the dynamic might change for the negative, but its all good today.

I can empathize with the ehlors danlose as I have it myself, specifically in my airways. I know it can be hard to deal with from personal experience. You have my condolences, TC, and at least theres comfort in knowing she isnt suffering anymore

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

Banks man. Fucking banks.

All I want to do is close out my wife's account, pay off the rest of her credit card.

I bring the death certificate, the will, all her cards, her SIN, my ID'S. I apparently am not allowed to pay off her CC yet or close out the account as they need to go through "their process", and said it would have been simple if she did close it before she passed away.

Like... I'm the executor of her estate. I literally now control all these things you silly idiots.

My friend delegated this to her other friend. I think she knew I wouldn't be able handle the grief. She just wanted me to take care of funeral arrangements and set her home in order. I stayed as long as it took for her creamation. You know the rest. 10 days turned into a month and a week.

Your bank problem sounds familier. Since I moved twice in just more than getting everything transfered to my current address has been a nightmare. I went in said this is where I'm at but my DL is still the first address. I went in there and said I want to close the account then open a new and I need to move it my current Address. Was issued a new card but takes 2 weeks to get it. 2 weeks went by.....no card. Went down there and asked where is it. I had this nagging feeling something wasnt right. She used the DL address instead of the current. So she changed it......2 weeks have gone by again.

I'm having a really good day today.

Monday night was really tough. I'm not really sure what the impetus for that was. Had a good day at work but just... well, you guys saw my journaling and whatnot. It was what it was, and that will happen.

Yesterday was alright, disappointed about the whole not getting a date thing so it was a so-so day.

Today I'm feeling good. I've decided that rather than sorta aimlessly trying to figure out what exactly I wanna do, or how I wanna get involved with some things, or whatever... I wanna focus on my own personal health right now.

For context, in my adult life I've been as heavy as 415 pounds and as low as 285, all of which happened while I was with Lindsay. While I liked to think for a long time that I handled stress well, regardless what was the cause of the stress, I was honestly super shocked when I was 415 pounds at one point. I thought I was around maybe 350.

Within the last maybe 6 years I've been far more cognizant of this and worked hard to make changes. I was down around 315 pounds before the pandemic, went up to around 365 in the midst of the pandemic, REALLY decided to focus on it and got down to around 285, and then as my wife's health continued to deteriorate I went up to where I am now, 335 or so.

I'm going to challenge myself to try and get below 300 pounds before the end of the year. Ambitious sure, but I struggle with how to show myself love in every way I can. I think emotionally, spiritually I'm very capable of showing myself love. I'm patient and kind to myself when I need to be. I know how to rest and be at ease and have become far better at recognizing my stress patterns. I've definitely grown in taking care of myself physically as well, but I'd say since the entire process of MAID started I put that on the back burner to just kinda survive.

I'm going to put more effort into being healthy. Gonna make sure I hit the gym daily, even if it is just for a 20 minute walk on the treadmill. I'm going to refocus on my diet and knock it off with the junk food.

It's a proactive way to show myself love. In the absence of getting that feeling from someone else (I get it from family and friends, but you know what I mean), I need to learn how to do that in its entirety to myself.

I know its a fight, Jeff. You can do it. Most of my life I was 160-180. 2010 started gaining pounds. I was 190 for years. Then 2017 It went south to 200. In 2020 after my first friends passing it was stressful from all different fronts. From fighting with his widow about the business, to selling all my cattle, the farm, liquidating all my assets except for a car. My friend asked me to help her in 2020-21 so with covid, her and being inactive (4 hours daily of farm work kept it down). I gained even more. Now in 22-23 I'm at 217 and wear 38 waist jeans. It's a struggle with pain being at a 6 or 7 in 10 mins of standing. I want to turn this around. I think you can too and looks like you are. Keep working at it.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

I'm having a really good day today.

Monday night was really tough. I'm not really sure what the impetus for that was. Had a good day at work but just... well, you guys saw my journaling and whatnot. It was what it was, and that will happen.

Yesterday was alright, disappointed about the whole not getting a date thing so it was a so-so day.

Today I'm feeling good. I've decided that rather than sorta aimlessly trying to figure out what exactly I wanna do, or how I wanna get involved with some things, or whatever... I wanna focus on my own personal health right now.

For context, in my adult life I've been as heavy as 415 pounds and as low as 285, all of which happened while I was with Lindsay. While I liked to think for a long time that I handled stress well, regardless what was the cause of the stress, I was honestly super shocked when I was 415 pounds at one point. I thought I was around maybe 350.

Within the last maybe 6 years I've been far more cognizant of this and worked hard to make changes. I was down around 315 pounds before the pandemic, went up to around 365 in the midst of the pandemic, REALLY decided to focus on it and got down to around 285, and then as my wife's health continued to deteriorate I went up to where I am now, 335 or so.

I'm going to challenge myself to try and get below 300 pounds before the end of the year. Ambitious sure, but I struggle with how to show myself love in every way I can. I think emotionally, spiritually I'm very capable of showing myself love. I'm patient and kind to myself when I need to be. I know how to rest and be at ease and have become far better at recognizing my stress patterns. I've definitely grown in taking care of myself physically as well, but I'd say since the entire process of MAID started I put that on the back burner to just kinda survive.

I'm going to put more effort into being healthy. Gonna make sure I hit the gym daily, even if it is just for a 20 minute walk on the treadmill. I'm going to refocus on my diet and knock it off with the junk food.

It's a proactive way to show myself love. In the absence of getting that feeling from someone else (I get it from family and friends, but you know what I mean), I need to learn how to do that in its entirety to myself.

I set myself a simple target of walking 1km every day. Its sounds silly but its about the mindset rather than the distance covered. Once I hit 20 days I didnt want to break the streak so I found myself going out at 10pm to make sure I kept the streak going lol.

I think I made 420 (lol) days before I broke the streak and it was purely because I honestly forgot rather than an intention thing.

Once you get into the habit of one walk a day it was easy to start increasing it without even noticing.

I started up again and Im on day 79 of my new streak. At some point I kept it at 1km per day but upped it to 21km a week. Now I actively seek out friends playing football etc as an excuse to get distance in without actually having to do boring walks lol. I also now go on walks at lunch at work to get the distance in as well and started getting people in the office to join me so theres a social side as well to it now and will go on walks with people I dont know that well and its great to chatting to people you wouldnt usually chat to.

Its not just the walking though. Its giving yourself a dedicated 15 minutes per day just to go out and work through the crap in your head.

Yeah, making it just a regular part of the day is the biggest part of doing it.

punkfanalways posted...

I set myself a simple target of walking 1km every day. Its sounds silly but its about the mindset rather than the distance covered. Once I hit 20 days I didnt want to break the streak so I found myself going out at 10pm to make sure I kept the streak going lol.

I think I made 420 (lol) days before I broke the streak and it was purely because I honestly forgot rather than an intention thing.

Once you get into the habit of one walk a day it was easy to start increasing it without even noticing.

I started up again and Im on day 79 of my new streak. At some point I kept it at 1km per day but upped it to 21km a week. Now I actively seek out friends playing football etc as an excuse to get distance in without actually having to do boring walks lol. I also now go on walks at lunch at work to get the distance in as well and started getting people in the office to join me so theres a social side as well to it now and will go on walks with people I dont know that well and its great to chatting to people you wouldnt usually chat to.

Its not just the walking though. Its giving yourself a dedicated 15 minutes per day just to go out and work through the crap in your head.

Listen to a podcast, while walking. There was this author I read who had a podcast discussing all types of things. He would do it while walking. I think 30-45 mins long

I popped this up on my Facebook because I know people are worried about me.

One month check in because I know you all love me and care/worry.

I'm doing alright, most days better than I would have anticipated. Work is great, hanging out with family more, having some friends over and whatnot. I've decided to focus on my physical health and try to show my physical self some love. I think I'm very patient and kind to myself in a lot of ways, but neglected my physical health for a long time. Going to the gym, walks outside, eating better... really going to try and focus on that.

Something only a select few would know about me is that in my entire life I've only lived alone maybe for like... 7 months now? 6 months or so before Lindsay moved in with me, and now this first month after she passed. 39 years of my life and only 7 months have I lived them solo.

I'm a social person by nature and I've been blessed to share my home with family and then with Lindsay, my chosen family, for over 11 years. Even when I was a child I just "felt better" sharing the space with someone I love, even if we are doing two entirely different things. I've always been excited to share in experiences together with those I love.

I'm still adjusting to this new life. Some nights are tough but it gets a little more normal every day. There is an energy to a shared home that obviously isn't there anymore and I do miss it like crazy. The best elements of Lindsay are part of me now forever, so in that way she isn't gone, she's just given me all the best things about herself.

I have more good days than bad. I'm still pretty much the most positive person in basically every room I walk into, and I'm really excited for the next phase of my life.

I was training a new employee today at work and while we were out and about I ran into a longer tenured employee that works casually. He hadn't seen me since my wife passed so he wanted to talk with me and express his condolences and whatnot.

The new employee was curious and so as we were continuing training and working together we spoke about what happened. It's maybe one of the first times I have explained it to a stranger? Like, I sent an e-mail to everyone in the organization when my wife passed (since I was going to be gone for awhile and that is unlike me, I knew there would be talk so I wanted to control the narrative) and all my family and friends know. I haven't spoken in-depth about it with anyone else.

It was nice. He was very respectful and asked thoughtful questions, expressed his condolences, asked me about her and what was the health concerns. I think it's a good sign that I can have that conversation with a relative stranger and it not make me break down or unable to continue talking.

As juvenile as it is, every little movement forward makes me very proud of myself.

She looked like a beautiful soul - i'm so sorry for your loss, and going through my own some of your/her struggles were similar to me, and my late loves.

Though i wouldn't wish any of this on my worst enemy it's comforting to know we aren't alone, and can share in our grief, but smile for someone who truly loved us. Both of us can stand as men to say we were that special person who made women so happy in spite of her troubles. I hope she's watching over you.

I'd also recommend The Fountain.

it has mixed views, but it's one of my favorite movies.

boxoto posted...

I'd also recommend The Fountain.

it has mixed views, but it's one of my favorite movies.

Yes. It's on my buy list. I just haven't done it yet. I liked it when I first saw it. It gets a bit weird towards the end.

Walk to Remember was a great one for sure. Maybe partly because I love Mandy Moore.

Didn't end up having any plans this weekend beyond a massage. Usually I try to kinda keep busy but even without anything all that exciting going on, it was a pleasant weekend.

Very sorry for your loss.

Sometimes the best weekend is just relaxing and doing nothing. That's my favorite kind of weekend.

Free and easy.

Gobstoppers12 posted...

Sometimes the best weekend is just relaxing and doing nothing. That's my favorite kind of weekend.

This

One of my principal worries and struggles has been the quiet of my home. I've only lived alone for now just over 7 months in my entire life.

Lived at home until 23, moved in with my younger sister until like 28, and then for 6 months my younger sister moved out... and then my wife moved in with me. (I saved her from living in residence at University, it fucking blows)

Wife and I lived together for 11 years basically.

I'm not used to it being quiet, on my own, etc. Most nights are pretty good, but sometimes oooof it is tough.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

One of my principal worries and struggles has been the quiet of my home. I've only lived alone for now just over 7 months in my entire life.

Lived at home until 23, moved in with my younger sister until like 28, and then for 6 months my younger sister moved out... and then my wife moved in with me. (I saved her from living in residence at University, it fucking blows)

Wife and I lived together for 11 years basically.

I'm not used to it being quiet, on my own, etc. Most nights are pretty good, but sometimes oooof it is tough.

Find a project to keep yourself busy. It will...subside, and i feel callous saying it. Just try not to fall to unhealthy vices as it's easy to pick up bad habits living alone, and indulging oneself.

Nintendo_Porn posted...

Find a project to keep yourself busy. It will...subside, and i feel callous saying it. Just try not to fall to unhealthy vices as it's easy to pick up bad habits living alone, and indulging oneself.

I'm focusing on my physical health lately and I've dropped like 4-5 pounds the last week. That has been my main focus.

So... after writing that bit of journaling, I went to the gym and did my workout and checked the mail.

I received my survivors benefit today.

I'm not a religious person. I'm just not and I will never be. But after writing all that and then those benefits to arrive in the mail? I will choose to thank my wife once again for looking out for me. You can call it serendipity, random happenstance or whatever. I'll just thank my wife and continue on my path.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

So... after writing that bit of journaling, I went to the gym and did my workout and checked the mail.

I received my survivors benefit today.

I'm not a religious person. I'm just not and I will never be. But after writing all that and then those benefits to arrive in the mail? I will choose to thank my wife once again for looking out for me. You can call it serendipity, random happenstance or whatever. I'll just thank my wife and continue on my path.

We came to the same conclusion. Alot of events led us to meet. If I had never moved never would have met. Meeting of someone she worked for but not meeting us. Saw her around town a few times too. My partner was also friends with a mutual friend of hers. That friend bought his property too. I even remember talking to her as a customer years before. It's like something was forcing us to either meet or near meet. She said it was God, I said it's a fated connection and the time wasn't right all those times before. There was a purpose to it all for all of us for good or ill

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

So... after writing that bit of journaling, I went to the gym and did my workout and checked the mail.

I received my survivors benefit today.

I'm not a religious person. I'm just not and I will never be. But after writing all that and then those benefits to arrive in the mail? I will choose to thank my wife once again for looking out for me. You can call it serendipity, random happenstance or whatever. I'll just thank my wife and continue on my path.

Not a religious person either, but something devise brought me to my first love. With a 7 hour time gap we ended up in the same island playing animal crossing, if she never said she liked me nothing would have ever happened, and staying together despite covid, distance, and disability? There was devine intervention at play.

We shouldn't regret a damn thing in our lives - it all led us to them, so far as i'm concerned we did something right all this time.

I met my wife when I was 12. Wouldn't have said anything to her had my older cousin not started talking to her on the bus. I was struck by her even then. Of course I was 12 and she had killer boobs . After that we started talking everyday on the bus til she moved after Christmas break. I didn't talk to her or see her again until I was in high school and we found each other again. She, of course, was dating someone so I was good and didn't try to break them up. After they broke up a few years later we got together and the rest of our lives fell in place.

My mom and I chatted about everything today. I know she worries about me. We talked about the feelings that she is having, how she also struggles with the fact that like... she is sad for the passing of my wife, her daughter-in-law. But she is happy that in some ways my life, the life of her son, will improve.

I shared with her the experiences with my psychologist... how he made me say out loud that there are positive changes that will come from this. I told her how I said it and burst into tears. How I struggle with guilt for the fact that I'm doing alright.

It was an interesting bonding experience, to know that others also struggle with this guilt.

I told her I'm in a good place. I'm getting better with the quiet, that I am taking the opportunity to do other things, enjoy life. She said that her greatest fear was that I wouldn't be the same person after Lindsay passed and was scared that this experience would break me, make me a different person. I told her I had the same fear when she had back surgery and needed like four months of recovery and I joked we are both made of sterner stuff than we feared.

We laughed and shed a tear together before continuing on with supper.

I necessarily kinda removed myself from a lot of what was going on with my family to take care of my wife. It was just the reality of the situation. I know they never held it against me but they did miss me. I'm happy to be more involved again, to be a more present son, brother, uncle.

I got notification today that my wife's student loans are completely forgiven now, so that is another thing off the list.

I was anticipating this all being a really horrible part of it all, dealing with beaurocracy and having to go yell at someone that my wife died... but so far it is all happening fairly easily. Still waiting for the bank to get a hold of me to let me close out her account, but beyond that it hasn't been too bad.

I was chatting with my older sister last night just about stuff in general and came to some certain truths and epiphanies.

I fear being 40 and single... but as my sister said, I will be a widow forever. I'm never going to really be... single? If that makes sense? Like, maybe in the sense of I'm wanting to enter into new relationships, have another partner, all that sort of stuff... but I'm always a widow. That's not a good thing or a bad thing, but rather just reality. It really helped me in that moment to realize that as opposed to being single due to some problem with compatibility or not having the capability to be in a loving supportive relationship... that was something that was ripped away from me.

In saying that, I'm also very confident about my ability to be a partner. Realistically speaking, what I did for my wife for so many years was literally some of the worst stuff you have to do. Take care of a disabled wife, working full time, for YEARS. Changing my entire lifestyle, my diet, what is in my home, how I interact with the world... I did that for someone else. I know what kind of partner I can be, I know what type of person I am, what I bring to the table. And when I think of it in those terms, anyone would be lucky to have me as their partner.

There's no need to rush things out of some fear of being "alone" or "40 and single" like there is something wrong. I am a widow. I have the ability to give literally everything of myself to another person, while taking care of myself and working. I am a caring, hard-working, resilient person who loves immensely and gives of himself to the betterment of the "team", so to speak. Hell, I've been that person for so long it still feels awkward to NOT do that. It's hard some days to just live for myself, to think about doing what I want to do versus what needs to be done for someone else that day.

I dunno, it was just something I hadn't considered before. When you live it day after day you maybe don't appreciate just how hard things were and what you were capable of doing. My physiotherapist told me that I was special, that I did things a lot of partners just don't do. At that moment it made me understand how compassionate a person I am, but maybe not how special a person I am. This sort of realization empowers me and really gives me pause to just take a deep breath and relax.

There was a voice inside me that screamed to engage in something meaningful again, fill my life back up with the EVERYTHING that I had to do when my wife was still alive. I was never EVER bored with my wife cause I had everything to do. Now that I don't there is an internal drive to fill my time with something just as meaningful, you know? I did literally everything because I loved Lindsay and she deserved the best of whatever she could have until she died.

It's... impossible to fill that sense of drive and purpose all at once. It is, and I need to stop feeling like just because I'm not filling that immediately that I'm doing something wrong.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

It's... impossible to fill that sense of drive and purpose all at once. It is, and I need to stop feeling like just because I'm not filling that immediately that I'm doing something wrong.

Yeah, it's important to take your time and really allow yourself to settle into life again. It's a huge change you've undergone, caused by a massive loss. In truth it's one of the biggest losses anybody can ever experience.

Never, ever feel like you're not recovering 'fast enough.'

Dude, you were a loyal husband - doing things for someone with a disability was not a burden, but an instinct. Hope Lindsay understood that. Had a similar thought when questioned about fear of being alone. Knew your worth, and how far you would go to make someone happy, and i made a girls life by her words. (though i wanted more for her) Any decent woman would value loyalty/love above all else, and never settle for nothing less than that. You don't want to be taken advantage of during your healing.

Edit: EWWWWW Double negative..."Anything"

During my time in the Netherlands I did what i could to ease my girl, be the man she wanted with the week we had together. She probably thought she was a burden while i was tending to her medical needs, but long distance or not could tell over webcam how hard moving around was for her. Yes, she kept saying i didn't have to, but i legit wanted to.

How you doing bro?

punkfanalways posted...

How you doing bro?

I'm doing really well honestly. Getting used to the quiet and calm, learning how to put that caring nature inward. Feeling confident, content.

Tag

Lost 8 pounds the last 10 days! Taking care of myself is one of the ways I'm trying to better learn how to take that caring nature I obviously have and focus it inward. In a lot of ways I am kind to myself but physically I just haven't been. I've put it to the side, when stressed it is the first thing I tend to avoid, but I'm making a concentrated effort to do better for myself.

This is honestly too introspective and deep for CE lol. I'm really sorry about your loss, but from your posts it sounds like you are incredibly strong, and I admire your journaling of sorts as a way to process. I hope you're doing ok and have friends and family around you for support.

Since today is National Cinema Day and tickets are super cheap, I'm doing another thing that I haven't done alone for over 12 years... I'm going to see a movie at the theater on my own. It's one of those weird couple things you know... you always have someone to do something with you? Even if you don't think you'll LOVE the movie, you go because your partner wants you to?

Yeah I really cut down on the movies I see in theaters these days but I still go solo to some things if its something I know she wont care much for. Me and my wife have about a 50/50 split on who wants what movie when we go together. Hope you enjoy your movie. What are you going to see?

I'm gonna go see TMNT.

I was born in 1984, so the Turtles kinda became a huge deal right when I was the age for it to take root in my little 5 year old mind and stay there forever. XD