Current Events > My wife passed away July 17th with utilizing MAID. Join my healing journey.

(+) Yeah! (+)

In my expeience of my friend her other friend was given control of the estate and affairs. She was feuding with her children over various stuff they had done to her over the years. She delegated to me while she was alive to make her medical decisions if she was incancaptited. Which did happen. I hated that moment I had to make that decision. You know theres nothing more you can do and to let them go. Her other friend delegated to me her cremation which i was ok with. It hit a snag with the children signing the DC. Took over a month to get done. I also set up her burial with her husband. He was a veteran and they allow burials with spouses. Sadly, that was a CF. It's 200 miles away, drove down with her friend who had her ashes. Got there and they said there was no record. I said you gave me a date then sent documentation. I kept my composure. They had to call around to confirm it even with the papers I had. She got put to rest where she wanted finally.

In part of my desire to reach out to old friends and reconnect, I reached out to my first GF from literally 20 years ago. She was on LUE and we had a long distance relationship. I lived in Canada, she was in Florida. She came up to see me a couple times, I went down to see her once. She ended up cheating on me so things ended, but we stayed friends until my wife came into my life. My wife was uncomfortable with me being friends with an ex (she was very open and said it was a her problem and that she was being unfair in asking me to kinda shy away from being friends with an ex, but I understood her concerns and felt that was something I could do) so we lost touch for awhile.

Her life hasn't been very easy either and she's had her share of health problems as well as being a caregiver to family who had health troubles and they have also passed away. I struggle with how to phrase it but like... it's somewhat comforting to know that lots of people have felt the same type of frustrations and had similar experiences in caregiving? I've definitely worked hard to shed myself of guilty feelings about that but it's not like it's all gone, but to know others also have felt that same way makes you feel less alone about it all.

You aren't alone.

SweetNut_Farm posted...

You aren't alone.

Very true.

In other news I'm now actually AT the place where I think I'd be ready for a new relationship. Y'all MAYBE were right when I was potentially pushing myself before rush into something for the wrong reasons. The desire to not be alone is strong and it's also something I've always had? Even when I was like 8 years old I wanted my little sister to be around and play with her toys or watch me while I played video games. My older siblings were 2 years apart and had a lot more similarities than they did with me (I'm 4 years younger than my brother, 6 than my older sister) so I think from a REALLY young age I sorta saw that and I didn't want to miss out on that so I more naturally just wanted people around. Even if we were doing entirely different things, having them close by gives me a lot of comfort.

I'm living alone far better than I anticipated being able to do. It's been almost 3 months since my wife passed and I actually don't mind living alone, having my space be my own. I think shortly after my wife passed the things I didn't like felt overwhelming and I wanted that to stop, so I wanted to hop into a potential new relationship where I could get some of that comfort back.

Also, not only did I lose my wife, but also my best friend... so I'm looking to fill two HUGE voids in my life. It makes sense that I would kinda want to rush part of that process. The last couple of weeks have felt different for me in the sense that like... I dunno, it feels less like I'm trying to just fill a void and more excited at the prospect of just enriching my life with someone else?

It's the uncertainty that really gets you. You have people come and go in and out of your life. I've been on my own since I was 20, and lived alone most of it. The difference between then and now would be the people that I lived that life with, friends, partners have either passed away or moved on and no longer keep in touch. It's a true loniless that seeps in. I think after my friend passed I came to realize that this was in my future. I have never been really social and meeting new people is hard.

October 9th, 2023

I kinda feel like its appropriate to change the date style from counting the days since you passed to just being what the day is. Im not sure if that is a sign that something fundamental has changed in my healing journey, or just laziness from not wanting to count out the days... Im sure Lindsay would have told me it was likely a bit of both.

It is Thanksgiving and despite her being gone, my Thanksgiving was shared with people I love on three separate occasions the past week. People I enjoy spending my time with, people who all know what I have went through and have supported me through it all. People who I think have also seen my grief slowly, ever so slowly, change from an active struggle daily to simply being a part of a life that has been lived well.

Its easy to focus on regrets, lost opportunities and moments. Lindsay and I didnt get to travel together with exception to medical appointments out of province. We didnt get to share our home with a pet, we didnt get to teach in the same school at the same time, which would have been really cool. We wont get to experience the end of One Piece together.

Its not even that this experience makes me want to suddenly run out and experience everything as fast as I can. What Ive been thinking about is despite the regrets and lost moments, I loved everyday with her. Despite the health problems, the immense work that came with being her caregiver... I loved her and thus I took all the lumps that came with loving her. Even when I had to go to my older sister and weep in her arms for an hour with my frustration and sadness at the situation Lindsay was in and thus what I was in too, I still loved taking on the world together, despite how much I grieved the way in which life failed Lindsay.

... but now I dont have to fight that fight anymore. And I think Im finally at the point in my journey of grief and healing to say those things. Its Thanksgiving weekend. Long weekends you would think would have been a chance for us to just be, for lack of a better word. Chill out, enjoy the world slowing down around us. For Lindsay, a long weekend was something to prepare for, mentally and physically. There were less resources open should we need something. Walk in clinics were closed, wait times at the hospital are longer if needed. Certain stores are closed for the long weekend if we needed some specialized item. A long weekend ESPECIALLY was a time to be meticulous; to plan for every potential thing that could happen. It caused Lindsay a lot of stress and anxiety.

This weekend? I was bored so I went for a walk downtown to play Pokemon Go. I grabbed some lunch when I was done, I came home and then watched some Youtube, played some videogames. I didnt have to plan around the long weekend being peppered with stress and anxiety. In my grief and the loss of my best friend and wife, in some ways I know that her passing is also her way of giving me the gift of peace.

I feel incredibly guilty in some ways even writing those words, but they are important for me to write and talk about. Living with Lindsay with her health problems was not easy. I did it because I loved her and was willing to try to fucking move mountains if I had to in order for her to feel the slightest bit of respite from her failing health. She wrote in her memoirs that she didnt want me to have to struggle through supporting her in failing health. Its what you do together in your 60s or 70s, not in your 30s. She would ask me weekly why I was with her, suggest I should leave her, and apologize for a situation that was never her fault. She knew I would stay with her until her time ended because she would have done the same for me had the roles been reversed.

And thats the tricky thing about this whole grief process. Grief tricks you at times... it makes you remember things not as they were, but how they were at the best of times. When I reminisce about Lindsay I dont think about the long weekend stress and anxiety. I dont think about waking up in the middle of the night when she was vomiting and helping her through that. I dont think about the dozens of dental appointments because Ehlors Danlos causes your teeth to have rapid demineralization. I dont think about her being in the hospital at the end of 2022, losing her ability to swallow, me working 8 hours a day, taking her breakfast and supper every day before and after work because the hospital couldnt get her any food... and all the stress and anxiety that put us through.

No no, grief reminds you of the day when you proposed... with gluten free muffins that spelled out Will U Marry Me? in a puzzle similar to one of her favorite video games. It reminds you of the first Christmas you spent together and you went for a walk and she asked me if my family was putting on a show for her, since we just loved each other so much and it was like we were from Leave it To Beaver. It reminds you that she came to your ten year high school reunion, to meet a bunch of people she had never met before, all to support you.

It reminds me of the fact that Lindsay would buy me birthday and Christmas gifts MONTHS in advance, only for her to tell me what she got me like three days later because she just could not stand to hold it back any longer. She HAD to tell me. Every time.

You dont grieve things that didnt matter. They dont stick to your soul for the rest of your life if it didnt mean so much to you. So Im gonna thank that grief for trying to trick me and reminding me of ALL those things I loved so dearly about her and pushing aside the things that didnt. The pain, the anxiety, the stress, the heartache from watching her slowly die throughout the years? That shit wont stick with me because it didnt matter. And thats a powerful thing to come to understand.

It's good that you can see all the bad moments like that - my love passed half a year ago now, and people shouldn't get the wrong idea - long distance couples go through struggles too, and it wasn't all about her health problems. The bad moments? They don't fucking matter, and was just stupid shit, but were also part of what i signed up for. All i can think about it is the woman who had the courage to tell me she had a crush on me in a game, the woman who told me "I'm sorry" after telling me about her having SMS in said game, and the woman who gave me a girlfriend/wife who was across the world at the age of 30.

Moments like that was worth waiting for, and they can't be taken from me, you, or them. It's not a bad thing the grief can highlight the good things.

I get to do some curling with my brother tonight! I haven't curled in like 3 years so I hope I don't embarrass myself. XD

I did not embarrass myself, but curling makes you use muscles in ways that most other daily activity and even a lot of sports don't typically make you do, so my body aches.

We won and I played pretty well overall! Success!

At work there is an opportunity for me to make... I guess like a lateral movement? We are a fairly large organization and they are looking for a supervisor for our Day Program and Campus. I was a teacher before the pandemic hit and so I have a lot of experience working in the education field. I'm a supervisor in another area so this would be a lateral move rather than a promotion. Also I would be alone as a supervisor rather than having a team around me (There are 5 supervisors for the area I'm a supervisor for).

I'm not sure what I want to do. I love the team I'm working with and that makes every work day really amazing for me. I think I would like the content that I would be supervising a bit more, but I'd be relatively alone if I made the move.

It's interesting how the old habits just kinda are so ingrained. I was out buying some stuff I needed around the house today. Kleenex, paper towel, that kind of thing. I went to grab the normal stuff I would grab and noticed a different name brand was on sale. I kinda was thinking in my head, "Too bad, gotta make sure I get this stuff so Lindsay doesn't have an allergy"... and then I was like oh yeah, guess I can literally do whatever I want.

Bought the stuff that was on sale. Woo, I saved two bucks.

Is it alright if other people were to translate your story into different languages so long as they had your consent?

Humble_Novice posted...

Is it alright if other people were to translate your story into different languages so long as they had your consent?

I don't see why not.

Here is what I wrote on Facebook tonight as it is the 3 month anniversary of my wife's passing.

********************************

3 month check in!
It's been three months since Lindsay passed away. It kinda stuns me to even think of it like that. It often still feels like it happened only yesterday. Just a few days ago it feels like we shared our lives together and every day was about how we were going to give it our all for each other.

Today has been a harder day for me than a lot of other days. I have a feeling regardless if it is 3 months, 3 years, 13 years... I'm just gonna have days where I miss her more than most other days. I miss her every day, it's a part of grief. You learn to live with it and as time passes, you grow around that grief and fill your life with other things. I saw a little comic about grief the other day where it explained it really well. Think of your world and everything in it as a circle. When you experience loss, that grief fills most of your circle. Every day your life is in this circle. Since most of the circle is filled with grief, you live most of your day in it. As time goes on you fill your life with new things, new people, new experiences. Your world, your circle? It grows. The grief doesn't shrink.

So as you have more area to travel around in, your grief takes up a smaller portion of your world. That doesn't mean you won't travel through that part of your circle though. Today was my day to travel through that part of it. You cry, you actively grieve, you hurt. You miss them like crazy; everything reminds you of what is now gone. That grief spot in your world is what that person filled up in your world before they passed. The bigger part of your world they filled up, the bigger their spot is filled with grief.

And that's OK. Grief is an ever-present part of your world. Don't fear it, don't try to deny it, don't hide from it.

I miss Lindsay today more than other days. Probably not a coincidence it is on the three month anniversary of her passing. I'll be sad. I'll eat my ice cream, I will maybe watch a sad movie and go for a workout and start tomorrow hopefully not in that part of my world anymore.

How am I doing today? I'm sad. But I'm OK with that, which I think is an excellent sign that I am filling my world more and more every day.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

Here is what I wrote on Facebook tonight as it is the 3 month anniversary of my wife's passing.

********************************

3 month check in!
It's been three months since Lindsay passed away. It kinda stuns me to even think of it like that. It often still feels like it happened only yesterday. Just a few days ago it feels like we shared our lives together and every day was about how we were going to give it our all for each other.

Today has been a harder day for me than a lot of other days. I have a feeling regardless if it is 3 months, 3 years, 13 years... I'm just gonna have days where I miss her more than most other days. I miss her every day, it's a part of grief. You learn to live with it and as time passes, you grow around that grief and fill your life with other things. I saw a little comic about grief the other day where it explained it really well. Think of your world and everything in it as a circle. When you experience loss, that grief fills most of your circle. Every day your life is in this circle. Since most of the circle is filled with grief, you live most of your day in it. As time goes on you fill your life with new things, new people, new experiences. Your world, your circle? It grows. The grief doesn't shrink.

So as you have more area to travel around in, your grief takes up a smaller portion of your world. That doesn't mean you won't travel through that part of your circle though. Today was my day to travel through that part of it. You cry, you actively grieve, you hurt. You miss them like crazy; everything reminds you of what is now gone. That grief spot in your world is what that person filled up in your world before they passed. The bigger part of your world they filled up, the bigger their spot is filled with grief.

And that's OK. Grief is an ever-present part of your world. Don't fear it, don't try to deny it, don't hide from it.

I miss Lindsay today more than other days. Probably not a coincidence it is on the three month anniversary of her passing. I'll be sad. I'll eat my ice cream, I will maybe watch a sad movie and go for a workout and start tomorrow hopefully not in that part of my world anymore.

How am I doing today? I'm sad. But I'm OK with that, which I think is an excellent sign that I am filling my world more and more every day.

I am sure the big days are going to be hard to think about. You already started with a better mindset than most of us could have. Just know this internet stranger is still wishing you well.

dummy420 posted...

I am sure the big days are going to be hard to think about. You already started with a better mindset than most of us could have. Just know this internet stranger is still wishing you well.

Thanks. I think I tried really hard at the start of this all to try and avoid the "big sad day" out of fear it would become a big sad week or month or who knows what. Irrational fear for sure but it was there. Or I tried to operate in a binary; either you are sad or you are not.

Today I was melancholic but like, I still went to work, I enjoyed my time with my colleagues, I got a lot of good work done, all that stuff. Like... I can operate very well and enjoy my day despite feeling melancholic.

It's not something I'm used to as I am typically the most positive person in the room. I'm the one who is happy to share the room, cracking a joke, etc. So going about my day with myself maybe at like a 60% of what I normally am... I am a little fearful of that. I'm worried it will be noticeable and uncomfortable for everyone around me.

Yes. You will miss them on birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, and mportant days. For instance my sister died aug 19th 2015, my partner march 3rd 2020, my friend Jan 12th 2022. I would like to go visit them on those days. Some I can visit easily, some not. The friend is with her husband half the state away a 3 hour trip. I'm in no shape to drive that but I will enventually. I also remember every event date when taking care of that friend. Mar 17th she had a exberation so bad she needed hospitalization. She somehow got a bad lung infection while there and wasn't the same when she came home. I'm still upset at the care she received then. Never really recovered. Time will pass and it gets better, but sometimes those regrets will stay. I regret not spending time with my sister. I couldnt take time out of my life to visit my family more than just holidays.

Part of my feeling so down is also a sign that I was getting sick. Maybe it's a very common thing but I find when I am sick/getting sick I tend to be a little more emotional? Not in like a bad way or destructive or anything like that, I assume it's more like... your body is running on empty so then your emotional side of things also just runs on empty.

I'm taking a sick day today and then I have the next 3 days off anyways. I was on-call on the weekend and I got a call at 6:30am that we didn't have staff for one of my homes, so on like 3 hours sleep I had to get up, go into work, and figure out staffing for about 2 hours before someone could relieve me. I went to go have a nap after that but couldn't get back to sleep. I've been running on empty basically since Sunday.

But on Sunday I did get to take in the Pokemon Community Day with a couple of friends.

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/user_image/9/5/6/AAABltAAE84k.jpg

What you are going through right now was me Jan, Feb, and early march of 2022. Be careful. I hope you get better. I rarely get sick and when I do it's usually after a major life event.

https://www.vice.com/en/article/4a3bdm/canada-will-legalize-medically-assisted-dying-for-people-addicted-to-drugs

I gotta respond to this fucking garbage.

As someone who went through the MAID process for a partner who had mental health as part of their "case" so to speak, I feel like I have to say something to those who fear that an expansion of this service will lead to "eugenics" or something like that.

We boast in Canada about "Universal Health Care" but we don't fund it in that way. Don't get me wrong, in comparison to our neighbors to the south we have it really good, but how can we claim "universal health" yet most people still need to pay for their own dental coverage, mental health support, eye doctors.

What expanding MAID to allow for mental health and addictions is to look at someone as a whole. Lindsay was told by some professionals that her "depression and anxiety" meant that she did not qualify for MAID. ... in what world does someone who has intense medical problems not struggle with depression and anxiety? And how does the presence of these things supersede the horrible consequences of her physical health diagnoses?
That element of the total health of a person should not discount them from MAID, which is what is happening to people who want to end their suffering but cannot given the current construction of the laws. What changing this law will do is to allow for medical professionals to have the right to look at the entire health of a person, their lived experience and EVERYTHING that comes with it, in order for the medical expert and the person suffering to come to a conclusion together.

Never will the expansion of this law mean that the government has an "out" to creating more solutions to homelessness, addictions, mental health. No. What it does is allow a person who is suffering a proper opportunity to take control of how their life ends... instead of suffering to what the final result would be. Make no mistake about it, Lindsay was dying from her medical diagnoses, depression and anxiety or not.

To me, opponents to this law simply are afraid that some people will choose to end their lives on their own terms. That fear is real; I experienced it first hand throughout the year Lindsay and I took that journey together. The only fear Lindsay had was being told no, that she didn't have the right to stop suffering.

When Lindsay and I chatted with our second assessor (technically the fifth assessor we spoke to all together) and were given a yes, I wept. I knew what that meant. Lindsay cheered, because she knew what that meant. She finally could take control of a life that went entirely out of her control for years and put an end to the suffering and deterioration. She wouldn't have to die in a hospital gasping for air or any other terrible fate. Instead she could fall asleep peacefully not not have to wake up.

Opponents of MAID and expanding it... I understand the fear. I lived it. The fear we have of our loved ones passing away does NOT permit us to deny our loved ones the right to self-determination.

My condolences to you and your late wife for having to make such a difficult choice to begin with. Regardless of my personal beliefs on the matter, that is still a brave decision the two of you ultimately made and I can only hope she is truly at peace now free from the pain and suffering she endured while on this mortal plane of existence. May your journey to recovery be a blessed one, TC, as youve clearly been through enough hardships as it is.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

I was bored so I went for a walk downtown to play Pokemon Go

Friend code?

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

https://www.vice.com/en/article/4a3bdm/canada-will-legalize-medically-assisted-dying-for-people-addicted-to-drugs

I gotta respond to this fucking garbage.

As someone who went through the MAID process for a partner who had mental health as part of their "case" so to speak, I feel like I have to say something to those who fear that an expansion of this service will lead to "eugenics" or something like that.

We boast in Canada about "Universal Health Care" but we don't fund it in that way. Don't get me wrong, in comparison to our neighbors to the south we have it really good, but how can we claim "universal health" yet most people still need to pay for their own dental coverage, mental health support, eye doctors.

What expanding MAID to allow for mental health and addictions is to look at someone as a whole. Lindsay was told by some professionals that her "depression and anxiety" meant that she did not qualify for MAID. ... in what world does someone who has intense medical problems not struggle with depression and anxiety? And how does the presence of these things supersede the horrible consequences of her physical health diagnoses?
That element of the total health of a person should not discount them from MAID, which is what is happening to people who want to end their suffering but cannot given the current construction of the laws. What changing this law will do is to allow for medical professionals to have the right to look at the entire health of a person, their lived experience and EVERYTHING that comes with it, in order for the medical expert and the person suffering to come to a conclusion together.

Never will the expansion of this law mean that the government has an "out" to creating more solutions to homelessness, addictions, mental health. No. What it does is allow a person who is suffering a proper opportunity to take control of how their life ends... instead of suffering to what the final result would be. Make no mistake about it, Lindsay was dying from her medical diagnoses, depression and anxiety or not.

To me, opponents to this law simply are afraid that some people will choose to end their lives on their own terms. That fear is real; I experienced it first hand throughout the year Lindsay and I took that journey together. The only fear Lindsay had was being told no, that she didn't have the right to stop suffering.

When Lindsay and I chatted with our second assessor (technically the fifth assessor we spoke to all together) and were given a yes, I wept. I knew what that meant. Lindsay cheered, because she knew what that meant. She finally could take control of a life that went entirely out of her control for years and put an end to the suffering and deterioration. She wouldn't have to die in a hospital gasping for air or any other terrible fate. Instead she could fall asleep peacefully not not have to wake up.

Opponents of MAID and expanding it... I understand the fear. I lived it. The fear we have of our loved ones passing away does NOT permit us to deny our loved ones the right to self-determination.

I think the problem here is your very good argument will fall on deaf ears (though I appreciate you making it) because the people who need to hear it aren't acting in good faith. Maybe some of them are, but the majority are people who are opposed to the very idea of any sort of MAID like system that allows people to choose their own end, so obviously they'll oppose expanding it.

MatzoTov posted...

Friend code?

320975365532

ScazarMeltex posted...

I think the problem here is your very good argument will fall on deaf ears (though I appreciate you making it) because the people who need to hear it aren't acting in good faith. Maybe some of them are, but the majority are people who are opposed to the very idea of any sort of MAID like system that allows people to choose their own end, so obviously they'll oppose expanding it.

Most definitely. I don't really understand people who are against it on a fundamental level.

I'm a bit torn. It should always be a choice, but being a doctor you are supposed to help not hurt correct. Understand in my friends case she asked to give up. They then entered her into hospice. It's a fine line

vycebrand2 posted...

I'm a bit torn. It should always be a choice, but being a doctor you are supposed to help not hurt correct. Understand in my friends case she asked to give up. They then entered her into hospice. It's a fine line

There seems to be a bit of a misconception about MAID in general.

MAID presupposes that doctors are going to try all avenues of treatment before they will agree to MAID as an option. Their job in the assessment is to see if you have tried all avenues of treatment that are reasonable. The law was initially made for Cancer patients who no longer want to go through Chemo and other Cancer treatments due to how negatively it impacts their quality of life.

Someone with addictions or mental health is not going to be offered MAID if they haven't tried therapy, for example.

I feel the past week or so I've hit another milestone? Is that weird to say?

Since my wife has passed away I really haven't been watching much anime. For those who don't know, my wife LOVED anime. She created her own Youtube channel while her health started to impact her ability to work as something to you know, be passionate about and engage with the larger community. I think I didn't feel like it was "right" for me to engage in one of our shared passions without her. I know that doesn't make sense but I kinda had a twinge of guilt whenever I thought to watch anime. I would think about how a lot of what I'd want to watch were things my wife also wanted to watch. It felt wrong for me to just dive back into anime like how we would have.

This past week I've dove back into anime that we really loved and I don't feel that twinge of guilt. I obviously miss the shared experience of watching it together. She was very passionate and we loved to discuss and debate episodes, theory-craft, that sort of thing. It was half the fun of watching anime; watching together and sharing our experience.

I miss that element of things terribly, but I really enjoyed watching anime this week. It helps that this season is full of bangers, but I think it's also a sign that I'm getting more accustomed to being solo.

Had a good night tonight. Went to hang out with a friend of mine (he and his GF were best friends with my wife and I) to finish up the second season of Wheel of Time. It's important to me that we keep up our friendship despite my wife having passed away.

Also, his GF has a couple of sisters who, while I don't know them well personally, I know are nerdy and super sweet and maybe I could see if one of them wants to go out on a date with me? >.>

I'm starting to consider going to some singles events and whatnot. Excited at the prospect of meeting some new people, making some connections, going on some dates. Been a long time since I was dating obviously but it could be really fun. Go to a nice meal, watch a movie, that sort of thing.

Good, dude. You never know what life has in store if you try - was invited to the casino out of the blue by my neighbor, and now got a lady friend.

Hope you go for it!

I think its a good idea. I hope this is not an insensitive comment but I have an aunt and uncle that met at a event for cancer widows and widowers. They have been together for what must be 40 years now. Might be a bit less upbeat than singles events so you might not want to do it but its just an idea.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

I'm starting to consider going to some singles events and whatnot. Excited at the prospect of meeting some new people, making some connections, going on some dates. Been a long time since I was dating obviously but it could be really fun. Go to a nice meal, watch a movie, that sort of thing.

Yes! I know not everyone agrees, but first dates are hella fun

dummy420 posted...

I think its a good idea. I hope this is not an insensitive comment but I have an aunt and uncle that met at a event for cancer widows and widowers. They have been together for what must be 40 years now. Might be a bit less upbeat than singles events so you might not want to do it but its just an idea.

I've sorta looked into a younger widows type group, not a lot of options in my area. It's definitely something I've been intrigued about.

Might try one of those speed dating type functions. I'm extroverted and love meeting people so I think it would be up my alley.

October 28th, 2023

Its a Saturday and I decided to be somewhat productive and start going through some papers and other things that Lindsay had around the home that were not part of the estates type work I had to do. As you might expect she filed away nearly all medical documentation so as to be proactive. The system gaslit her in so many ways, anything that she could reference back to in order to have someone listen to her she would do. She would also keep them to remind herself of how she has felt in the past; a different form of journalling one might say. In going through some papers I found a report that she did in terms of her own therapy. In one of the questions it asked what was the best time in your life. She wrote down, When I met my commonlaw partner for the first time

Reading that just made me burst into tears. Just such a flood of emotions from that. This was a solo therapy session, she never had any idea I would ever read it. This was for her own work on herself and her mental health you know? This was the simple truth... the best time of her life was meeting me, getting to know me, choosing to share a life with me.

Its very difficult to balance reminiscing about the best times and remembering the reality that Lindsay lived with. She didnt like how her body evolved with her illnesses and disability and thus I dont have many pictures of her in the last few years of her life, so a lot of looking back is from... healthier times. It messes with my mind at times, seeing her healthier and happier and big smiling faces and whatnot. It obscures the reality of what her life had become; what OUR life had become. Not that I would ever want to celebrate her feeling worse and the downfall of her health, but just in the times I wish she were still with me, what that REALLY means. It can be easy to forget what her being with me today would be like for her. Losing the ability to swallow, needing a wheel chair to make any sort of plans that werent just going to the car and back, and the abject fear and terror of watching your body deteriorate and having nothing you can do about it.

The fact that Lindsays best time in her life was me? Is it wrong for me to say that makes me feel proud? Is it OK to really cherish the fact that in a lifetime just full of so much fucking garbage, that I made her happy? I tried so very hard every single day to make sure that our lives were filled with support and love from one another... and if that meant I worked 8 hours and came home to take her to a doctors appointment, or she was at the hospital and I prepared her food and brought it for her, or I was awake with her at 4am when she was sick, just to hold her hair back? I put everything I ever was into being that person. I gave it everything I had and I feel like I made her happy as she could be... and this one statement on a therapy worksheet is the proof that it meant something. It fucking meant everything to her and it made her happy. I made her happy.

It also gives me a lot of hope for the future. The first time I ever asked her out? She said no. Despite our natural chemistry and finding excuses just to spend more time together, she wasnt looking for a relationship, she wasnt ready to trust someone again, all of that. I remember after her telling me that, in the most confident moment of my entire life, I told her that she knew how I felt and that when she was ready we would be together. She told me later that was almost creepy, due to the fact she had struggled with stalkers and horrible experiences with men in her life... but what I had meant in that moment was that I couldnt imagine my life without her and we just kept making excuses to be together. Regardless of my maybe misguided bravado, a few weeks later we went on a date that honestly went terribly, but we still just wanted to spend more time together.

I think part of the ultimate love you can show for someone is not just supporting them in good times and bad, and not just wanting to share everything you can together, but also being able to let them go when it comes to that time. As there are further discussions of opening up MAID more and the discourse about it all, Im proud of myself and happy that I was able to help Lindsay to that finish line. From the best moment of her life to the final moment of her life, it was me. I let her go in the ultimate showing of love and friendship.

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/forum/e/e3a8924e.jpg

My wife loved the spooky season and Nightmare Before Christmas because of course she did. ^_^

Hell yeah, nice mask

Love it

Cool

I've been putting off something kinda important since my wife passed away, but it needs some backstory.

My wife was estranged from her family. She was sexually abused by her father and thus she ran away from home at 13 or so. In all that happening, her brother didn't believe her about the sexual abuse and her mother eventually fled the marriage as well, but went through a phase of blaming my wife for all that happening. She went out of that eventually, but it caused obviously a lot of hurt feelings.

My mother-in-law is a nurse and also we thought she was maybe bi-polar. About a year into Lindsay and I being together, she started doing things like one week giving us some money to buy a portable Air conditioner for our place, then the next week berating us for "using her for her money". She would have weeks where she treated us really well and was supportive, and then weeks where we would basically be moochers and terrible people. All the while, she did not believe the medical problems that Lindsay was having. Again, as a nurse, she thought primarily that my wife was having mental health problems, not physical health. The curse of invisible illness/disability. Eventually one day after she called and made my wife just break down I asked her outright if she felt this relationship with her mom was something that she wanted to continue and we agreed that we would distance ourselves from her.

She loved her brother dearly but he would never allow us to just have a relationship with HIM. He would ask Lindsay to come visit him, but "dad" would be there too. He would ask us to visit him on the farm and when we explained that due to my wife's allergies that would be really uncomfortable and not possible, he would claim that we were just finding excuses to avoid him. Then the final kicker, when he had a child and told Lindsay that "dad" would be babysitting and helping to take care of baby, my wife and I tried to sit down with him and again just tell him our concerns, for our niece's sake basically. He called her a liar, said he felt that it was "mom" who filled her head with lies, and that he couldn't believe she would ever say such horrible things about family.

So again, we decided that distancing ourselves from him would be for the best. He's a good man but just has his own lived experience and anything that would make him question that he would protest it and fight and whatnot. Combined with trying to force the "family" to be together and try to force my wife to hang around with her abuser growing up? No, we don't need that. We basically had no contact with her family for probably close to 5 years before she passed?

When the decision was made to go for MAID, I asked her about her side of the family. There is a part of me that feels there is maybe a basic responsibility to inform her family that she died. My wife at first was dead set against that, did not want them to ever know anything about her again, they had no right to mourn her death, that sort of thing. I respected that and left it there. Eventually my wife decided that, upon her death, I could send a letter she wrote to her brother and another to her god-mother (she is a gem, very wonderful woman) just so you know... they know she has passed away.

I haven't done that yet. I won't lie, part of that is the fact I don't want the "smoke" that may come from it. I don't want her brother to come looking for me, looking for a fight. I don't want her mom to try to contact me, contact my parents, that sort of thing. At the same point should they just discover this information through the grapevine, it will probably happen anyways, so I'm just delaying the inevitable. I just haven't had it in me to send those letters and enter another potential phase of this whole experience. We have an iron-clad will so they can't come and try to grab anything that was "hers" so to speak... everything is left to me.

I have made some prints of the photo I took of Lindsay 5 minutes before she passed. My hope is that seeing that picture and her joy at the fact she could lay down her burdens will provide some peace to her family. I might write my own letter to accompany the one she wrote, just to let them know the last moments Lindsay lived were full of joy and love and peace. I just haven't done it yet... but I started to finally think about it, plan it, and might actually do it this weekend.

I did wonder about her family but I didn't want to ask. Do they know where you live?

Zikten posted...

I did wonder about her family but I didn't want to ask. Do they know where you live?

No, we moved and didn't tell them where we moved to. My nephew lives where we used to live and her brother did show up once asking about her, but thankfully my nephew is a smart young man and we told him something like that might happen so he just said, "Oh no sorry, they moved away and I'm renting here now" and he has not returned.

I re-read the letter that Lindsay wrote for her brother. It is not always kind.

I wish things could have been different. If we had different parents, maybe our relationship would have had a chance. I know you had an unquenchable desire to have a cohesive family to have everyone come together and let sleeping dogs lie. Our family was so broken (the four of us - not your current family), there was no way we could be mended. The times I tried to talk to you about the damage that had been done, you became angry, argumentative, dismissive, and unsupportive. There was no moving on from this point. I wish you could have seen our relationship as more important than the other things. I always felt like an after-thought. At any major point, if I was allowed, I was there for you. I never even met your son. I cant tell you how much that hurt me. If I didnt do exactly as you wanted, I couldnt see them anymore. I know you came to me a few times hoping to move past things by sweeping things under the rug, but that wouldnt be honest. The family always ragged on me for not being healthy or not having the energy to do anything that was out of my hands. Yet, my worth was concretely linked to that notion. Lindsay doesnt have the energy to do something? She obviously doesnt care. No one considered the fact that I wasnt well enough to do what was asked of me. Everyone wanted me to bend over backwards to make everyone else happy, but no one cared about my happiness. There was no compromise.

There are nice things in there too and some medical background incase his kids end up having anything similar to what she did... but this letter does not hold back.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]


Yeah. And he was probably the best member of her family. He just could never see anything beyond his own internalized truth. He couldn't accept that she was abused by their father, he couldn't accept that she was chronically ill and later disabled. I remember one of the last times we met up, my wife had received a disability parking placard and when we parked in the disability spot he kinda just scoffed and said, "Who did you have to lie to in order to get that? You aren't disabled"

Some of that isn't entirely his fault and more reflective of a systemic view of disability in western culture, but it still spoke to the fact he had a world view and an expectation and if you didn't fall in line with those expectations, you were the problem.

I wrote accompanying letters to her brother and her godmother as sort of explanations as to what happened and why they were not informed of Lindsay passing away before now, nor that she was exploring that option.

I gave them both my e-mail address because that I can process and answer to on my own time. If I pass along my phone number, if her brother or family are fucking pissed off at me, that would be really disruptive to my life. At least via e-mail I can sorta take it on my own time.

I honestly have no idea how her brother will take the news. I could see him wanting to try to find me and beat the shit out of me, but I could also see him being very sweet and wanting to ask me questions about her life when he wasn't part of it in the last 5-6 years or so. He has the capacity for both.

I feel like such a fucking coward not having been able to do this until now. Lindsay passed away in July, it's November. His sister has been dead for nearly 4 months now and he will only hear about it when he receives my letter. Ultimately it is what Lindsay requested I do and I will follow through with her final requests, but is still awkward.

Smart move only giving the email. Respectfully, they seem like... shallow people, if that's about as nice of a way as I can put it.

It sounds like her family never tried to understand her medical issues.

MatzoTov posted...

Smart move only giving the email. Respectfully, they seem like... shallow people, if that's about as nice of a way as I can put it.

Zikten posted...

It sounds like her family never tried to understand her medical issues.

Her brother is just ignorant, plain and simple. He's not a BAD person, but if something doesn't make sense to him, it is wrong. Her mom, I guess technically my mother-in-law? She is a nurse in the mental health field and would routinely threaten to have my wife "put away" in her teenage years as a threat. We also thought she was bipolar as she was capable and at times was a caring parent, but then would just be horrible and threatening the following week.

Honestly moving forward I want nothing to do with them outside of her godmother. She is a gem and I know will be understanding of what happened.

If you're the same guy who made the last topic I made an unwise and poorly worded post in it that I thought was being compassionate but hindsight was ill advised.

I wish to formally apologize and wish you the best. Can't imagine what you're going through but here's to better days.

May she rest in peace.

Toonstrack posted...

If you're the same guy who made the last topic I made an unwise and poorly worded post in it that I thought was being compassionate but hindsight was ill advised.

I wish to formally apologize and wish you the best. Can't imagine what you're going through but here's to better days.

May she rest in peace.

For what it is worth I don't remember what you would have said and obviously it is not something you should apologize for.

If you have questions or even critical thoughts about MAID in general, I'm open to discussing them from the unique position I'm in if you do have questions.