Current Events > My wife passed away July 17th with utilizing MAID. Join my healing journey.

(+) Yeah! (+)

Yeah the movies and cartoon made me love TMNT as a kid. My mom made me a costume I used for 2 or 3 Halloween. I forgot which one I was but probably Leonardo.

Kaiganeer posted...

i've seen the title of that other topic several times and never cared to open it, but i just wanted to say that you shouldn't feel guilty if you felt some sense of relief when someone with a long-term illness that you've had to care for passes away

it doesn't make you a bad person

Absolutely.

When someone is ready to go, and they have good reason and sound mind, the most compassionate thing to do is let them go with your full love and support.

It's not easy, its not what anyone wanted, but its also nobody's fault. Life just throws some awful stuff at us sometimes, doesn't it?

Oh yeah, I don't feel bad about it. I'm very proud of being able to get my wife to where she wanted to go. The alternative was too awful to think of to just die in that terrible way.

She passed on the 17th, and she was schedules to have her pacemaker battery replaced on the 24th. That would have been a shitty experience and that was the least terrible thing she had to expect for the remainder of her life.

I miss her everyday, but more I miss what we could have been you know? I don't miss the panic attacks, the daily pain she lived in, the endless hours of research into her conditions, the dismissal of doctors and nurses, the doctors visits, the crying.

I most of all don't miss the crying. Seeing my wife in that state of pain and distress so often. It was awful.

It's so cool to me that the TMNT have stayed so popular with kids since they were made. Multi-generational media franchises are something special, especially when you're an adult and you see kids loving the same things you used to love. Just makes me happy, it's a little thing but I love it.

I was obsessed with the turtles in the late 80s, early 90s. At one point, I was friends with 2 brothers, and the 3 of us convinced ourselves we were 3 of the turtles, and we had been turned into humans and lost our memory. We were trying to track down the 4th turtle

I think I was Raphael cause at the time he was my favorite.

Mutant Mayhem was awesome.

Have fun

Zikten posted...

I was obsessed with the turtles in the late 80s, early 90s. At one point, I was friends with 2 brothers, and the 3 of us convinced ourselves we were 3 of the turtles, and we had been turned into humans and lost our memory. We were trying to track down the 4th turtle

I think I was Raphael cause at the time he was my favorite.

I had all four figures plus the pizza shooter. Think I even had the blimp at one point

Do you actually want to meet someone new or is it just something that she said she wanted you to do so you leave the option open?

MrResetti posted...

Do you actually want to meet someone new or is it just something that she said she wanted you to do so you leave the option open?

I do want to be in a relationship again. This soon? If it was the right person yes.

The other thing is that everyone I have been with in a relationship also was/became my best friend. I miss that dynamic a lot. All my other friends (as you might imagine with me being 39) have kids or are married and that is where a lot of their focus is. I miss having a best friend and partner.

I am more comfortable being alone now than I was you know, even 2-3 weeks ago... so I'm not in a rush.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

I do want to be in a relationship again. This soon? If it was the right person yes.

The other thing is that everyone I have been with in a relationship also was/became my best friend. I miss that dynamic a lot. All my other friends (as you might imagine with me being 39) have kids or are married and that is where a lot of their focus is. I miss having a best friend and partner.

I am more comfortable being alone now than I was you know, even 2-3 weeks ago... so I'm not in a rush.

I would advise finding some new friends, ones who are single. I think it may be good to truly enjoy the single life a bit before rushing into another relationship.

Once again, I know my divorce isn't comparable to what you went through, but some of the aftermath details are. I made a bunch of new friends, and one quickly became my best friend in just a couple weeks (he is now my best man in my upcoming wedding). And I am so happy I had my crazy single life time before settling down again. And I don't just mean crazy in terms of dating and flings (though that was fun), but also just nights with the boys.

bsp77 posted...

I would advise finding some new friends, ones who are single. I think it may be good to truly enjoy the single life a bit before rushing into another relationship.

Once again, I know my divorce isn't comparable to what you went through, but some of the aftermath details are. I made a bunch of new friends, and one quickly became my best friend in just a couple weeks (he is now my best man in my upcoming wedding). And I am so happy I had my crazy single life time before settling down again. And I don't just mean crazy in terms of dating and flings (though that was fun), but also just nights with the boys.

That's fair for sure. My boys and I still get to play DnD and BG3 and game out and chat daily and whatnot. There are some friends I hadn't really seen since the pandemic who have entered back into my life... but I totally get what you mean.

My wife and I were both home bodies (My wife more through circumstances, with disabilities and whatnot it was hard to get out and about) so I miss sharing in my passions with someone right beside me.

I also just still miss my wife. I will forever. There's a lot of things I don't miss, but so many things I do miss. It's so strange. It sometimes changes hour to hour. Lol

Having a bit of a tough night tonight. Nothing dramatic or anything, just missing her a lot tonight. No real trigger for it beyond the fact I woke up at 5am for work purposes and I'm still up as of midnight. So maybe that is the impetus?

Big shock I know, missing my recently deceased wife.

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/user_image/5/8/8/AAABltAAEyyM.jpg

I was going through some things and found this that she drew for our best friends. I'm heading over to see Derek and Stacey on Thursday to watch the new season of Wheel of Time so I'm gonna bring that over with me so they have it. ^_^

Paul McCartney solved this, in 1969 or 1970.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QfB09CeGpAU

43 Days

I miss my wife. Its as simple as that really. I miss sharing the day with her, I miss her presence in my home. I miss her advice, I miss her sarcasm and wit. I miss her so much. I do everyday, but the last 24 hours or so moreso. No real impetus, no trigger for it... I just do.

We lived for each other just as much as we did ourselves. We cared for the other more than we cared for ourselves. While that might not be healthy it led to so much support and love and care. I realize its only been a month and a half and maybe Im just trying too hard to be OK all the time. Its what Lindsay would want for me. Its what I want for me. I dont want to be sad all the time, I dont want to miss her all the time. Everyone I know is in a loving relationship. Its what is supposed to happen you know? You meet someone, you fall in love, you grow old together. I know it will happen for me again. I loved before my wife, I will love after my wife. The inbetween? Its so frightening. I have all the freedom someone could ask for and all I want with that freedom is my wife back.

But thats not really true either. I want an idealized version of my wife. I want what could have been. And maybe that is what is bumming me out lately. That freedom I have? I want to fill it with what COULD have been with my wife. Is that a terrible thing to say? Nobody wants their partner to be sick, dying, sad. We want the best for our loved ones. I want to add another loved one to my world, someone who will match up to this vision in my head of what things COULD have been had Lindsay not been sick and dying and scared and sad. Im just smart enough to know that will never happen.

Maybe thats what scares ME most of all. Not that my wife, my sick and dying and scared and disabled wife, is gone. What scares me is that I will never get anything like that again. That I will never feel that way about another person as long as I live. That I wont find someone that makes me WANT to go through what I did for them.

I know our day to day life was tough. It was hard for me to see her suffer, to do all the work to see her through day after day, week after week. To spend thousands of dollars to keep someone alive who doesnt want to continue the grind. What if I never find someone who makes me WANT to do that ever again?

Its all very complicated. Its a jumbled mess of emotion. Maybe even with how positive I am, how strong I am, how intelligent I am... sometimes none of it wins out over just grief, sadness, and fear. At least at points in the day. I know I will go to work and be happy with my friends there. I will hang out with my friends and laugh and enjoy the day. Grief, sadness, and fear will win out at moments, but if the last 43 days have taught me anything its that those moments, while intense and overwhelming, also leave me be.

Im alright, you can be alright and be sad at the same time. Two things can be true at the same time Jeff. You can be sad and alright at the same time and right now you are.

Feeling better today! I'm very glad that my "down times" are usually pretty short for the most part.

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/user_image/7/7/7/AAABltAAEzEx.jpg

I hadn't really thought of Facebook memories. What a wonderful way to remember all the good and bad.

Even back in 2011 my wife was having health troubles that I was helping her through. We loved each other so completely.

that's a really sweet reminder

I've kinda had another of those "Aha" moments about all this.

So, around 2019 or so my wife's physical appearance started to change. That was as her health deteriorated, her body started to maintain more water and she put on upwards of about 50-60 pounds of "fluid" basically. Despite her diet changing extensively and her not eating a whole lot, her body was just inflamed and producing fluid. Due to this, she felt very bad about herself. In her late teen's and early to mid 20's she definitely was more "conventionally attractive" so to speak? Tall, small waist, amazing bust and booty, that sort of thing. Due to this my wife didn't want pictures of herself taken.

Now as I reminisce and look back at old pictures and whatnot, I see a different person. My wife was obviously healthier, more confident, enjoying life a little more, all that stuff. It has messed with my head a little bit here and there when I look at those pictures. Like... that isn't the reality my wife faced upon her last year of life. She was not "sick" for the last year, really the last 3 years. She was dying.

It's difficult to explain the weird sort of mind fuck it does to you. Most of the photo's and whatnot I have are of an entirely different person and it tricks me at times into like... I dunno, feeling worse about things? Like I forget that my wife was dying and that her using MAID was a blessing to allow her abject suffering to end.

Invisible illness, disease, and disability is so fucking brutal. A lot of people would have just assumed that my wife "got fat", for lack of a better word. They wouldn't have had a clue that her body changed due to illness and disability. I lived through it with her as her only support and seeing the pictures it has messed with my head at times.

She was dying and it was just really hard to see it at times.

Man...Thank god she had you through that - no one should endure deteriorating alone with no support to lean on.

I had a nice conversation with my brother today. We went out to play golf and on the drive home he was asking me about Lindsay and how I was doing with things... because he is also dying.

He is dying of cancer. He said it outright to me. He's been on chemo now for about 4 straight years and he told me that his last two screens have shown that the treatments are slowly becoming less beneficial. Unless something bizarre happens in a positive way, this cancer is almost assuredly going to kill him. He has three children and as we talked very calmly about death and grief and all that, I asked him if he was interested in MAID at all. He said that he would have to be in an incredible amount of pain to miss out on even another week with his kids, which I definitely respect.

He and I haven't talked a lot about it. I thought that was a "we're brothers and we don't talk about that shit" sort of thing, but he said he doesn't talk with anyone beyond his wife about it. It was nice that he was willing to open up and be vulnerable about things, cry in front of me, that sort of thing. I kinda feel like my experience with my wife has made me very comfortable being just very honest and supportive. I didn't give him false hope, I didn't tell him to "buck up" or anything like that. I told him that what he was going through was terrible.

We talked about how his wife (my sister-in-law) says she won't remarry, or date, and how ridiculous he finds that. Both of her parents are divorced and since remarried and are very happy. I did tell him that divorce is a little different than being widowed, but that I had already asked someone out and that while I don't have any need to get back to it all fast, I definitely want to date and find someone new to experience life.

I doubt we will talk about it all that much more in detail moving forward, but he seems to think that on the upper end he has maybe 2 years left, or as short as 2 months. He still works as he works from home, and he talked about how he doesn't know how he will fill the time when he cannot work anymore. I told him I would come over more often (when the kids are at school and so is his wife) and we can play video games like when we were kids. He kinda laughed but said he would probably really appreciate it when that time comes.

Sorry about your brother

Sorry about your brother, but great that he's trying to think forward about how to handle the time he has.

That freedom I have? I want to fill it with what COULD have been with my wife. Is that a terrible thing to say?

No. I think it's no secret to the both of you that what actually panned out was not what either of you wanted for yourselves and each other.

I imagine the hurdle is expectations. Your wife set a high standard, but more so is the time. It's impossible for the next person to compensate for that and a new relationship means starting over as opposed to continuing where you left off. Relativity speaking you're at a higher level of relationship experience over most women you'll meet. I know you know that, but can understand there's the psychological wrestle to it.

September 5th eh? Kids going back to school changes a lot of things about what is going on with work, my friend group, all that sort of jazz.

I've been feeling really good lately. Obviously I miss my wife and always will, but it isn't a consistent gnawing thing. I don't even necessarily have a gnawing desire to jump right back into a relationship anymore for the time being. If it happens that I meet someone I wanna spend more time with, great! If not, I'm feeling more comfortable in my own space, just kinda doing my own thing.

I will find the next person in due time. Trying to rush it, trying to force the issue, just won't have me find the RIGHT person.

I received some mail today with my wife's name on it.

Good news guys! My wife was referred to the Department of Clinical Health Psychology back in 2019, and is now on the top of the waiting list, just 4 years later.

=/

My mom was sick with cancer for a long time, and my dad took care of her most of that time. He finally relented and applied for a home nurse aide. We got the call to set up services the day after my mom passed away. I'm glad I answered the phone and not my dad. (Cell phones weren't very common yet.)

I know my story doesn't speak to the point you were making, but sometimes it feels like we're the characters in the stories of cruelly ironic writers.

Sariana21 posted...

My mom was sick with cancer for a long time, and my dad took care of her most of that time. He finally relented and applied for a home nurse aide. We got the call to set up services the day after my mom passed away. I'm glad I answered the phone and not my dad. (Cell phones weren't very common yet.)

I know my story doesn't speak to the point you were making, but sometimes it feels like we're the characters in the stories of cruelly ironic writers.

I understand what you're saying for sure. There's so many services my wife was likely set up for, I'm expecting more of these kinds of letters about her. This service would not have "saved" my wife in any meaningful way. That's the reality of the situation. It's more damning of the fact that the medical system failed my wife in very basic ways. There was no way anything was stopping her from dying from her conditions. Nothing had a "cure" or any obviously meaningful way to even slow the progression of it.

Just will be a consistent reminder of how the health care field in general failed her in so many ways. Again overall nothing really could have been done differently to SAVE her, but could have avoided so much pain, trauma, and anguish.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

I received some mail today with my wife's name on it.

Good news guys! My wife was referred to the Department of Clinical Health Psychology back in 2019, and is now on the top of the waiting list, just 4 years later.

=/

Yeah......I had a few of those before I left my friends house. Not much I could do. I remembered a conversation I had after we got home from the hospital. I took her home and went to get her prescriptions. The chaplin from the hospital called me while I was waiting and asked if I needed help. I think this might have been late Oct '21 or early nov.. Anyway, I said thank you and kindly told him I was athiest. He said thats ok. We talked about 30 mins about the story of why I helped her and about how she felt about her end of life. I remember crying. I think that prepared me for what would happen. I think mentally I did ok considering. I miss both my friends everyday.

50 Days

I didnt even realize it was 50 days until I counted it out. Huh, its been 50 days since my wife passed. It feels more normal. Tonight when I was done work for a brief moment I was trying to rush out of the office to get back home... because I forgot for that moment that I didnt have anyone waiting for me. Now you would think that realization would make me very sad, and while it did make me sad to remember my wife is not waiting for me, it was a momentary thing. It almost made me chuckle; like I was being a forgetful child who forgot his lunch box before school. I didnt despair, I didnt beat myself up about it... I was sad, I laughed at my own forgetfulness, and I took an extra minute or two to finish one more thing before still being excited to go home and be done my work day.

I look back at how I was last week and Im shocked at the difference a week makes. I remember watching a round table of actors and Tom Hanks was talking about a statement he wished he knew when he was younger; This too shall pass. Looking at all the fear and confusion and sadness of a week ago, now to feeling confident and happy and really good... bad times and good times are times that will pass.

Getting back to feeling better today, Im not exactly sure how to explain it. I think Ive finally hit a sense of calm in everything? Im no longer rushing to feel better or to fill the void. Perhaps I have some clarity that this is not a void that will be filled in a rush, at least not in the kind of way I want it to be, nor the way my wife would have wanted it to be filled. This is a change to my entire existence... regardless if I want to try to downplay it or rationalize it in a different way. Just like it took time for me to learn how to be a caregiver, live with Lindsays allergies, adapt the entire way I lived, the same is true now.

I was taking a client out to the book store to do some shopping. In one of the areas she stopped to check out books, right across the way was the grief section, or whatever word they wanted to have for it. I was stunned at the amount of literature that was available. I leafed through one of the books and I remember a phrase that has stuck with me since.

First you survive the grief and then you live with the grief

Quickly trying to move on, keeping myself as busy as possible, fear, sadness... maybe that was all a part of surviving the grief. That process looks different to everyone, I imagine, and I tried to outrun it. I tried to avoid it, be a busy-body, deny it, feed it. Now Im living with it. There are times it is more of a presence and it makes me cry. There are times when it is far from my mind as I take part in the freedom of not being a caregiver anymore.

I think that is living with grief.

Your quote and last paragraph sound about right. Some days you will be ok then some days you hear a song that brings it back. Just yesterday "Photograph" by Ringo Starr came on a Spotify playlist I was listening to. Growing old and grey line hit me hard. Right now photographs and memories are what you have. Even though you wish they never got ill. So that growing old and grey can still happen. I know my friends passing was due to a lifestyle choice which makes it even harder to deal with.

Heh. My gran died about two months ago. I was driving home from work last night and thought Ive not seen her for a while I should make the effort to go round and make sure shes ok. Then I remembered. That brief split second when you forget something bad happened Its weird.

I've found myself reaching out to some older friends who I've sorta lapsed in communication with. We live our lives and get wrapped up in our own stuff so easily. I was working full time and a full time caregiver to my wife so unless those friends were in my immediate circle I kinda just didn't have the time.

One of them I haven't spoken with in 10 years. Tried their Facebook but haven't gotten a response yet.

When we hit our 40's (I'm 39) is when I think it starts to happen. We start the phase of losing people in our lives due to passing away. Parents/Grand Parents, uncles and aunts, maybe some friends who get involved in accidents or health problems emerge.

I guess I just want to make sure that I at least reach out to those people who were really important for a time just to check in and let them know.

So, one of the people who I reached out to, an old friend (and girlfriend for about 9 months in my early 20's) and I got to chatting tonight.

Turns out she is taking care of someone who is also dying. She divorced from the abusive father of her child and got together with someone new about 2 years ago. They found out about 14 months ago that his teenaged son has Stage 4 cancer. Seems like he will not make it.

So we started sharing about taking care of dying loved ones. She shared with me about starting fresh after her 8 year marriage ended, I shared my experiences taking care of Lindsay and what it was like to watch her pass away.

I'm really glad I'm reaching out. Our stories are definitely helping one another.

It's good to have someone else to talk to that knows the experience or one similar. I don't know you personally but from what you've posted you have a great outlook and I hope you continue to do well. It's good you can reach out because sometimes we try to internalize everything and feel the need to push forward by ourselves.

dummy420 posted...

It's good to have someone else to talk to that knows the experience or one similar. I don't know you personally but from what you've posted you have a great outlook and I hope you continue to do well. It's good you can reach out because sometimes we try to internalize everything and feel the need to push forward by ourselves.

Some don't want to hear it. That people have real lives with happiness and sorrow. They put up a persona and don't understand. For some it's about caring for others than your self. We go through this life together and so many are shitty to one another. I hope when they are maybe in a similar situation that they will have someone to say I'll help.

I had a very emotional moment with an employee yesterday.

I had went to meet up with her to do a "refocus". We are talking to all staff members just to talk shop and focus back on how we provide support and all that. This staff member I was chatting with has no problems at all with her performance so it was more of a formality to just say we did it, heh.

I hadn't seen this staff member since my wife passed. I sent out an email to the entire organization explaining what happened to control the narrative, if that makes sense. Enough people knew bits and pieces that when I took two weeks off and if people were told "not to ask about it", stories would come out. So I told the whole story in the e-mail.

Anyways, I go to see this staff member and she has been having some health problems, a difficult ongoing pregnancy and stuff like that. I knew bits and pieces about it but nothing more than that. We start chatting about work stuff and then she just kinda stops me dead in my tracks. She goes on to tell me that when she read my e-mail and everything I went through... basically she just told me how inspirational I was and how strong I was. She said that an entire year she wouldn't have known that I was going through everything I was... that I handled myself with poise and dignity and a professionalism that she takes with her now. She said she talked about me when she was in the hospital recently with her pregnancy and how the story of my wife and I gave her strength in those moments.

She said she doesn't understand how I could be so strong and be back to work and still be the same caring person that I've always been.

I didn't exactly know how to respond to all that. We spoke more about her own health struggles and what her experiences were like and I made sure she knew that she can always talk to us about what she needs and if she needs more time off, things like that.

I was always hopeful that sharing our story would educate, maybe inspire others. It's a little different when all of that comes pouring out all at once from someone who quite frankly I have a cordial working relationship with, nothing more. But it was powerful enough to stay with her and really impact her. After our meeting was done it made me cry a little bit. Just not what I was expecting.

What advice would you give on getting doctors to acknowledge invisible illness? My girlfriend isn't in nearly so bad a state, but she does have health issues that I worry will make later life a struggle.

Guide posted...

What advice would you give on getting doctors to acknowledge invisible illness? My girlfriend isn't in nearly so bad a state, but she does have health issues that I worry will make later life a struggle.

As much as you can be there to advocate with her/for her. It is easy for doctors to just brush off someone who has invisible illness as a manifestation of mental health. It changes A LOT when another person is there to reinforce what the patient is saying.

She should start a journal of her health and how she felt when certain things happen. Beyond being able to paint doctors a better picture of cause and effect, she can also look back to know the same. My wife, in all her medical trauma, would forget feeling a certain way. Having a journal of those things helps her to not panic if she is experiencing something again. Remember that it is also invisible to HER, and it can lead to a lot of additional stress and anxiety.

Encourage her to find an online group (on Facebook or whatever) of people who also are experiencing what she does. Invisible illness can make you feel so alone and isolated. While it wad scary for my wife to read other people who were further along in their Ehlors Danlos, she could also compare experiences and feel less alone that others out there are also suffering, for lack of a better word.

Finally, this is mostly for you as the caregiver, be really cognizant if your GF wants to problem solve or just wants your support. It took my wife and I too long to be honest with that. Sometimes my wife didn't want me to try and problem solve. She wanted my support and love and maybe the only safe person to unload all her fears and stress. My wife was a very pragmatic person who always tried to be proactive. I would often try to meet that energy when what she needed was to just unload.

I certainly hope whatever is happening with your GF there is ideally a solution, but if not she finds a few medical professionals who support her unconditionally. Our physiotherapist couldn't fix many of the problems but was ALWAYS on her side.

We can get the meds she needs, but it feels like the kind of thing where they just throw stuff at her to see what makes her feel better without really solving the underlying problem.

The journal thing is something we haven't tried. Granted, she thinks it's depressing, but it sounds like good long term insurance. I appreciate it.

Think of it in the sense of being proactive as much as you can. Life is complex and has a lot of things going on. Being able to point out when something changed (good or bad) can be a huge thing for knowing yourself and how your body reacts to things.

It's how we started to recognize that my wife didn't just have allergies from the same family of intolerances. Having that journal helped our specialist think about MCAS and get the testing. If we didn't have the log of the way it all worked he might not have come to that conclusion.

Before she got really sick, my wife was a heck of a talented artist. I was going through some of her things and I found what she described as a "self portrait pin-up" style drawing that I am thinking of getting tattoo'd as a pin-up.

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/user_image/0/2/1/AAABltAAE1VN.jpg

She also drew an AWESOME Totoro that I might do as well.

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/user_image/0/2/2/AAABltAAE1VO.jpg

Don't forget the "always".

SweetNut_Farm posted...

Don't forget the "always".

That is definitely the first one I thought of so I will do that one for sure.

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/user_image/5/2/1/AAABltAAE1dB.jpg

I like this one that I found online.

That is beautiful!

It'll be two months since Lindsay passed this Sunday.

Feels simultaneously like it happened only yesterday and like... years ago. I'm pretty used now to living alone in my place. It doesn't feel so oppressively lonely anymore which is a good thing but it also just feels strange. I miss her every day in so many little ways but I won't lie that I don't miss watching her die slowly, you know? The last three months of her life were almost entirely her on an all liquid diet, barely being able to move around even our shared home, much less the community. I helped her to try and quell panic attacks and stress. I remember about 3 weeks before she passed, before we got the approval and whatnot, I went to my older sister's house and I just wept on her shoulder after my wife had an exceptionally hard day. I was so sad and so defeated and I remember asking her if I was a bad person for just wanting it all to happen for my wife so that I wouldn't have to watch her slowly die.

Now two months later I still struggle with some guilt over those feelings, like somehow my moment of things just being so overwhelming FINALLY after years and years of being so strong, manifested the end result. It makes no sense since my wife was also happier than I'd seen her in years when she was given the news that she could pass away and have control over that element of her life finally.

It's almost been a year now since the whole process started. It was at the end of September in 2022 that my wife made the decision to go for MAID and I agreed to support that decision. I kinda assume that I will always have some lingering guilt over all of that. Maybe not guilt as much as regrets. I think it's easy to use those words interchangeably at times, you know? So many years were spent just trying to keep shit together, ensuring that we could always pay rent, that we didn't have to go to my parents and ask for a "hand out". My wife was a very proud woman and was scared at the idea of being a burden. She would much rather that we were self-reliant on our own rather than taking support from someone else and I respected those feelings.

I'm proud of the fact that I was literally the best support I could be for her given how she wanted to live out her life. That I supported every avenue she explored, regardless of maybe my own thoughts. I was thinking about it today, she spent a third of her entire life with me. And while in many ways it was some of the worst times of her life, she always said it was also the best times of her life.

As we spent our last few minutes together she told me she regretted nothing beyond just not being able to live the life we deserved together for longer. I try hard to focus on that when my own guilt/regret about what she missed out on starts to creep into my mind. She wrote in her memoirs that I saved her life. I also helped her to end that life on her own terms. I'm not sure if there is ever any greater accomplishment I will ever have in my life than to know, to REALLY know, that is what I did for someone I loved.

I really hope I get to do it again. Hopefully with less struggles and the opportunity to share in a lot more of the fun stuff, but as long as the love and support between us is there, I know I will be able to handle it.

Forgive me for asking this, but have you by any chance shared you and your late wife's story on other platforms like Reddit or Facebook?

Humble_Novice posted...

Forgive me for asking this, but have you by any chance shared you and your late wife's story on other platforms like Reddit or Facebook?

Why are you asking?

Humble_Novice posted...

Forgive me for asking this, but have you by any chance shared you and your late wife's story on other platforms like Reddit or Facebook?

Yeah everyone on my Facebook knows the story.

I've also shared it with the Dying with Dignity website here in Canada since they were instrumental in pointing us in the right direction.

Posted this up on Facebook today as it has now been two months since Lindsay passed.

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Two month check in family and friends!

It has been two months since Lindsay passed away. Feels both like it happened like... so long ago and just yesterday. It's an odd feeling to have. It's also been nearly a year since we began that journey together. It was near the end of September of 2022 when Lindsay and I sat down and she told me that things were only getting worse health wise and she would be exploring MAID.

I'm doing well all things considered. I am comfortable in my home, I'm enjoying work, I'm spending time with friends and family. I'm taking care of my physical health (I've lost 13 pounds in the last month, in a healthy way where that is my goal), dealt with all the estates stuff and all those things you have to do when someone passes away.

I miss my partner and best friend but I'm far more focused on cherishing those memories while moving forward. The last thing Lindsay would have ever wanted was for me to sit back and let life pass me by.

While taking a youth to the book store a couple weeks ago, the section she was checking out was right across from a section that was about Grief and Loss. I leafed through one of the books and I've really embraced something I saw in it.

"First you survive grief, then you learn to live with grief"

I have survived, and now I am learning to live with grief. It's the hardest, most humbling experience of my life. It can creep up on you at any point and nearly drop you to your knees. It also shows you the depths of strength you never knew you had, the kind of strength we all have in us.

I'm doing well and aim to keep doing better and better each day as I learn to live with grief.