Current Events > Fiance wants to end it

(+) Yeah! (+)

It's been 6 years for us. I feel like the last year or so has been the down slope.
She's worked on herself for almost two years now and feels we aren't meant to be.
We're going through couples counseling and she recently got herself a therapist. The therapist says she's outgrown the relationship. She feels she has while she's been nurturing herself.

It's...odd. I really thought we were progressing and making positive changes. She's the one years back that pushed the engagement and wanted to rush it. I got a vasectomy recently despite our sex struggling.
It feels like it comes down to her not wanting a relationship anymore because she doesn't want to trust someone else. I don't want to force a relationship on her if that's truly the case, but it feels so...selfish of her. She's worked a lot on herself but not much on us. That feels unfair.

we'll try to see our counselor soon. I'm officially losing so much sleep over this. I've put a lot into this relationship. I really don't think she's thought this through longterm.

Damn, the therapist worked you. At the end of the day, you cant decide what other people do. Whether they think it through or not

Damn bro

Why were you going to couples therapy in the first place?
Sometimes people change, they grow, etc. It sucks but it's also life, if you really care for her you wouldn't want to hold her back

I think you need to let her go, and count your blessings that you didn't actually marry her. She sounds like one of those people who will "upgrade" once her stuff is fixed, if it ever is, and if it's not, she'll keep lashing out at you.

That sucks man, at least you weren't married and have to go through the whole hassle of divorce.

well, it does sound selfish of her, but it's also just how people are. we get tired of things. plans change. we grow, we get older, we realize there's only one life, etc. though the last thing you want to do is stay in a relationship where the other person is done. so it's for the best.

it makes sense that you feel it's unfair, especially if you've given and contributed more to the relationship than the other person, but unless there was some official agreement between the two of you where everything had to be equal, it's not really something you can really complain about after the fact. just realize that your efforts aren't appreciated, which is more reason for you to be ok with it ending.

maybe they haven't thought through the change, but it seems like they have thought through the relationship, and they don't seem to want it anymore. again, there's no reason to stay with someone who thinks this way. might be best to focus your effort on making sure you're ok and figuring out what you want for yourself other than this relationship.

Noname12 posted...

Damn, the therapist worked you. At the end of the day, you cant decide what other people do. Whether they think it through or not

Could be. Could also be her using the therapist as a scapegoat to distance herself from her decision. You know how some people do.

Her: Sooooo.... I'm really thinking I should be moving on from this relationship.
Therapist: Well, if you think that's what's best for you at this point in time...

Later that night...

Her: So I'm really sorry, but my therapist was saying that they think I've outgrown this relationship and it's time for me to move on, that it's what's best for my mental health and overall well-being.

Hinakuluiau posted...

Why were you going to couples therapy in the first place?
Sometimes people change, they grow, etc. It sucks but it's also life, if you really care for her you wouldn't want to hold her back

She wanted it before we took the next step for marriage.
I finished a couples book recently and was hoping she would.

She's going through a lot emotionally, which is why i don't feel like she's completely thinking this through. She's trying to get off birth control cold turkey despite multiple doctors advising against that. Her past few periods have been like two months apart; it's been rough.

mercurydude posted...

Could be. Could also be her using the therapist as a scapegoat to distance herself from her decision. You know how some people do.

Her: Sooooo.... I'm really thinking I should be moving on from this relationship.
Therapist: Well, if you think that's what's best for you at this point in time...

Later that night...

Her: So I'm really sorry, but my therapist was saying that they think I've outgrown this relationship and it's time for me to move on, that it's what's best for my mental health and overall well-being.

True. Tbh OP. She probably has a new dude already. Dont force someone to stay with you. Itll be better for both of you in the long run

read this as "france" for some reason.

It really sucks because of how vested you were in it, but at the same time you just have to take it as her ugly side is surfacing and there's relief in catching it sooner than later.

This instantly just took her out of being wife material for you, and maybe anyone. I'd say it's human for some people to pan out that way, looking out for themselves, dropping interest in relationships. It again is just the issue of how much time/investment took place. Unfortunately no refunds on that.

Can she come around? Maybe, but zero guarantee. Even if she does, you naturally can't trust it anymore.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]


Yeah, it sounds like both you and TC have fallen victim to what's known as the seven year itch, where, for whatever reason, some relationships fall apart around that amount of time.

Sounds like its over

why would you try to fight for marriage at this point if youre already having problems before?

sometimes relationships end

pedro45 posted...

It's been 6 years for us. I feel like the last year or so has been the down slope.
She's worked on herself for almost two years now and feels we aren't meant to be.
We're going through couples counseling and she recently got herself a therapist. The therapist says she's outgrown the relationship. She feels she has while she's been nurturing herself.

It's...odd. I really thought we were progressing and making positive changes. She's the one years back that pushed the engagement and wanted to rush it. I got a vasectomy recently despite our sex struggling.
It feels like it comes down to her not wanting a relationship anymore because she doesn't want to trust someone else. I don't want to force a relationship on her if that's truly the case, but it feels so...selfish of her. She's worked a lot on herself but not much on us. That feels unfair.

we'll try to see our counselor soon. I'm officially losing so much sleep over this. I've put a lot into this relationship. I really don't think she's thought this through longterm.

Hope you feel better soon.

Did she push the vasectomy on you or did you just want one?

Forget about the counselor. It looks like shes already figured it out.

I'd bet the fiance is nailing the counselor.

I doubt she has another man. That's not really her.

Bringing up the 7 year itch might be useful. She follows trends a lot and can get sucked into them. She's into astrology and signs and stuff.

We kinda concluded the vasectomy was best for both of us, cause it would help her not need birth control.

I'm hoping she just needs time. I reminded her this morning she can go do what she wants and discover herself while still being with me. Maybe she'll think about that. I don't hold her back.
She's going to her family reunion in another state without me as I work.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]


This is very similar to how my relationship with my kids mother ended.

OP, regardless of if this woman has thought this through, you're probably best cutting your losses. Expressing that endpoint chat, especially if it comes after working on herself, is not a good sign for a continued relationship.

My mother left my dad after 30 years of marriage
She didn't feel appreciated enough I guess.

Met a guy on Facebook and cheated.
She moved to him almost immediately

Made my dad suicidal for a long time

They still are in contact though. In fact she is broke because my younger sister screwed her over with phone contracts and now she can't afford anything without my dad's help.
He bought her a car, a phone, medicine for her dogs several ten thousand euro.

The new guy doesn't know any of that

pedro45 posted...

We kinda concluded the vasectomy was best for both of us

after shit goes down. now it's not worth it for the TC.

getting the VAS reversed is going to be really tough if he wanted to undo the procedure.

Just treat her like she died, and move to Vietnam. Worked for me.

Just from the way you're writing about her, you can tell TC doesn't take her autonomy seriously.

pedro45 posted...

it feels so...selfish of her. She's worked a lot on herself but not much on us. That feels unfair.

pedro45 posted...

I really don't think she's thought this through longterm.

pedro45 posted...

i don't feel like she's completely thinking this through.

pedro45 posted...

She follows trends a lot and can get sucked into them.

Just from the way these are written, I wouldn't want to be with someone who thinks so little of me. Especially if she's been focusing on herself (which is a good thing and something everyone should be doing, including you TC)

Hinakuluiau posted...

Just from the way you're writing about her, you can tell TC doesn't take her autonomy seriously.

Um no? The only thing that you should be able to tell is that there is a lot of mental anguish.

To op. I wouldn't keep trying to push for a relationship to keep going, but that does feel miserable after spending so much time with someone.

I'm gonna try to work through this, but I won't give up my identity or be one of those guys that just buys her things.
I won't push hard as some have stated, but I'm not just gonna let her go. If there's more work to be done, I know I'll try.
she's made bad decisions in the past that she was so sure of, so it's hard not to feel like this might one of them. She's so easily influenced sometimes, getting into trends like crypto and nfts, being so sure of herself, then it falls apart.

Dont get married. You will only end up divorced and broke in the end.

And anyone that says they are "Nurturing themselves", or anything along those lines should be avoided. Thats a big red flag.

pedro45 posted...

I'm gonna try to work through this, but I won't give up my identity or be one of those guys that just buys her things.
I won't push hard as some have stated, but I'm not just gonna let her go. If there's more work to be done, I know I'll try.
she's made bad decisions in the past that she was so sure of, so it's hard not to feel like this might one of them. She's so easily influenced sometimes, getting into trends like crypto and nfts, being so sure of herself, then it falls apart.

Feeling on my end is if a likely future of always dealing with that is actually worth it. You get over this hump, sounds like she could revisit again regardless.

Not trying to express that as making the situation sound bleak, but I don't think you need to live with (anticipating) that hassle on a recurring basis. An objective "you deserve better" sentiment.

Nothing in those few paragraphs makes me believe both of you wouldn't be better off apart.

pedro45 posted...

I reminded her this morning she can go do what she wants and discover herself while still being with me.

I get that emotional turmoil can cloud your judgment, but remember to respect yourself.

Priere posted...

Dont get married. You will only end up divorced and broke in the end.

And anyone that says they are "Nurturing themselves", or anything along those lines should be avoided. Thats a big red flag.

Pretty much. The way the girlfriend talks, she sounds like at best she is settling and the only time women settle is at divorce settlement, so continue at your own peril

It does sound like a her problem.

In working on herself maybe she's realizing she doesn't want to be in a relationship right now, can't focus on being a proper partner, whatever.

Some people cannot be in a committed relationship when they have so much shit to do for themselves.

pedro45 posted...

She's going to her family reunion in another state without me as I work.

I wonder how many exes she has close to there? Is it in her old hometown?

her therapist really shouldnt have put much say into how your relationship should be or wind up.

the therapist should be making sure your GF has thought it through and that she makes an education decision based on logic and feelings.

The counselor will also not actively push for separation of the relationship but work to strengthen it.

one thing Ive learned is that love is much more than feelings and emotion.

once you get married and have children/family love takes a different shape.

my wife and I are currently in counseling to repair a huge void in our marriage and we are statistically at the point where most divorces/separation happens at the 8 year mark.

hopefully we canbeat that statistic.

I wouldnt want to be with a person who is waffling about whether they even want to be in a relationship. That sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Beat her to the punch and break up with her. Find someone who is attracted to you as much as you are to them.

chrono625 posted...

once you get married and have children/family love takes a different shape.

That's literally the most untrue statement I've ever seen anyone make on this websight.

She found someone else or wants someone else. No joke. No troll. It just is what it is sometimes.

The part where shes worked on her self you posted multiple times clues me into that. She feels she can do better whether she can or not.

cut her loose and find someone else. Easier said than done.

A_Good_Boy posted...

That's literally the most untrue statement I've ever seen anyone make on this websight.

ok but its not.

tell me - does love feel the same way when you meet someone when youre in teens as opposed to when youre older and have more obligations and responsibilities?

no, it doesnt.

Our idea of what love is changes as we get older and wiser.

love ISNT just an emotion. Its a bunch of things, especially when you have a family. Love is an act, its a gesture, its an understanding, its a commitment.

but go on with your experience. Ive been around the block a few times to know what Im talking about.

edit: Ill go ahead and further explain. Speaking with many professionals and such.

when youre young the idea of love is one dimensional. Oh I love him/her! Despite the other person many times being a piece of shit. We dont know what love really is and its a spectrum of emotions and feelings. We gain that sense through experience and the idea of love changes through those experiences and events.

many marriages fail because many people do not grow and learn that love is more than just being in love.

6 years together, and why can't she trust you?

pedro45 posted...

I'm gonna try to work through this, but I won't give up my identity or be one of those guys that just buys her things.
I won't push hard as some have stated, but I'm not just gonna let her go. If there's more work to be done, I know I'll try.
she's made bad decisions in the past that she was so sure of, so it's hard not to feel like this might one of them. She's so easily influenced sometimes, getting into trends like crypto and nfts, being so sure of herself, then it falls apart.

I'm going to tell you from experience: Don't.

Just let her go man.

CommonStar posted...

6 years together, and why can't she trust you?

Her family life growing up was crap. She was raised by her grandparents as her parents until like 9. Then living with her biological mother and step father was pure toxic.

As for others thinking she has someone, i really don't think so. She's just not that type. Plus, she has some physical things going on that would kind of prevent her from cheating anyways.

pedro45 posted...

She was raised by her grandparents as her parents until like 9.

That's pretty standard for hispanic kids, actually. Though it sounds like she had extenuating circumstances rather than a cultural thing.

You dodged a bullet king

I would sue the fuck out of that therapist if I could.

I mean, if she is not sure she wants to stay together anymore with you, shes not all in here. You guys need to take a break and have some time apart.

And saying anything along the lines of making poor life choices or a mistake by leaving you is just wrong.

pedro45 posted...

Her family life growing up was crap. She was raised by her grandparents as her parents until like 9. Then living with her biological mother and step father was pure toxic.

As for others thinking she has someone, i really don't think so. She's just not that type. Plus, she has some physical things going on that would kind of prevent her from cheating anyways.

Uh

So did you do anything as well? Unless this was abuse or cheating, i think you should also look at yourself i stead of just blaming her. Could be you made some mistakes as well, and if you want it to work, you might need to change something.

_____Cait posted...

Uh

So did you do anything as well? Unless this was abuse or cheating, i think you should also look at yourself i stead of just blaming her. Could be you made some mistakes as well, and if you want it to work, you might need to change something.

Blame shifting is very common among people who are manipulative and controlling.