Current Events > A lot of single people's expectation are just way too high

(+) Yeah! (+)

Who doesn't want their potential S/O to be mature, smart, careered, financially stable, has their own crib, to be good looking and all the positive things? But we gotta be realistic. Finding all that in a person is prolly gonna be rare, IMO. And even if you do find a person like that who is interested in you, whose to say they don't have other flaws that comes with it that can turn you off?

I just think people need to lower their standards to a more reasonable point because it's more common that people will have their struggles, have flaws and have baggage's.

You know, whenever I hear happy couples talk about their spouses it's usually something like "I'm only here because of my better half. They supported me when I was down and still loved and believed in me when I wasn't so sure of myself". Maybe your S/O is waiting for you to give them a chance and vice versa?

VeggetaX posted...

Maybe your S/O is waiting for you to give them a chance and vice versa?

Profound

Guessing TC is single.

I believe you can be better. Do you?

Debating this topic with an IRL friend. They're taking it as if I'm telling them to settle for less or trying to save someone who is stuck in life or being someone's parent.

My criteria was basically someone emotionally stable and grounded. It was still hard. This was like 15 years ago at this point.

Thankfully I found someone back then because it seems to only have gotten worse.

My buddy is a doctor making $300k a year. He's in shape, nice, and sociable and a girl rejected him for not pursuing her hard enough. Apparently you need to triple text to show your commitment.

When people can pull out their phone and find infinite other dating possibilities through Instagram, Tinder, or whatever, their minds are going to be so inundated with all that dopamine rush that far too often they'll balk at anything less than perfection. And it's a broken cycle where most people end up miserable.

Lmao I actually ran into a woman who wrote a long essay requirement that she wants a guy who can do all these along with tough love and such.

I'm like yea no way in hella that's gonna work out for her. I get what you mean tho

Squall28 posted...

My buddy is a doctor making $300k a year. He's in shape, nice, and sociable and a girl rejected him for not pursuing her hard enough. Apparently you need to triple text to show your commitment.

Sucks because some may consider triple texting as chasing too hard and can lead to rejection. It points back to expectations are too high and people just need to communicate better.

What TC says makes sense, but like, settling for something so important to me seems wrong. Although it's not to say I "worked" at finding the perfect partner, so much as extreme coincidence happened. Before that, it was concession out of practicality, but I'm glad I don't need to make such a choice anymore.

Oh 100%. I see a ton of guys that are average looking (not ugly) that will only pursue supermodel looking women. And it's like man you gotta have more realistic expectations. Average girls are still cute, no need to skip them over as "not hot enough"

VeggetaX posted...

mature, smart, careered, financially stable, has their own crib, to be good looking

I'm immature, only finished high school, not working, no money, live with parents, and ugly (although girls crushed on me in my school days so maybe I'm just overly critical of my own looks)

I don't blame anyone for me being forever alone but myself. I also don't care to change my ways because I enjoy being the way I am.

But I agree, my standards for a partner are completely 100% unrealistic. Which is why I don't bother.

As someone who has settled it's a rough thing to do because in a way you aren't fully committing to the relationship. You're selfishly being with someone you aren't attracted to pursue your own happiness.

I agree with TC that acceptance is an important part of a relationship and there's too little of it in the early part of the dating process. But accepting someone you aren't excited about being with is a waste of your time and more importantly a waste of their time.

Noticed this with my perpetually single sister. I believe her mistake isn't having high standards but never being friends with guys she actually enjoyed going out with. She can't keep a man longer than a month because she expects fireworks and a first date effort every time. As soon as the guy starts relaxing, she's out the door seeking someone who tries harder for her affection.

With guys it's the opposite. They don't actually enjoy dating and seek the comfort of the relationship above everything. But you always have to date your GF or wife. You're always supposed to be courting her. The comfort you receive is your reward for doing right by her.

I've seen it happen to multiple women, they claim they will never settle, get into their thirties then settle for a guy who's divorced and has grown kids already lmao

Squall28 posted...

My buddy is a doctor making $300k a year. He's in shape, nice, and sociable and a girl rejected him for not pursuing her hard enough. Apparently you need to triple text to show your commitment.

It was probably something else, but maybe that was the easiest excuse to drop him.

Edit, women lie all the time if they are afraid a dude wont accept the rejection well.

Haejin posted...

I've seen it happen to multiple women, they claim they will never settle, get into their thirties then settle for a guy who's divorced and has grown kids already lmao

This happens with lots of dudes as well.

VeggetaX posted...

Who doesn't want their potential S/O to be mature, smart, careered, financially stable, has their own crib, to be good looking

Depending on the age group, these are all pretty basic things and not really hard to find.

Most people are single because they either focus too much on who they don't want or on people who don't want them. Also confusing preferences with deal breakers.

If I had a nickel for every time an absolutely perfect film was heralded as the worst thing in the universe for some such trifle as an extra making eye contact, I'd be, like...

Well, I'd have a dollar or two I guess but STILL.

BoomerKuwanger posted...

They should make a dating app for divorced people with kids to meet each other and another NMNK app.

Hate to say this but people will still think they're too good and only think they deserve the best.

BoomerKuwanger posted...

Yeah but at least it would narrow it down. I was trying to say that the people with "baggage" (using that in quotes because I don't think that every divorced parent is bad) should find each other instead of having a true single settle for them. Although if you're saying that people will just lie about being NMNK, yeah that's probably true

That wouldn't solve anything because there's no issue. Plenty of divorced parents find happiness with people who never married or have children.

Haejin posted...

I've seen it happen to multiple women, they claim they will never settle, get into their thirties then settle for a guy who's divorced and has grown kids already lmao

That doesn't mean they "settled" though. As you date and have relationships, it helps you get a better feel for what kind of partner you want (and what kind you don't). Not everyone sees being divorced or already having kids as negatives. That man may have exactly the kind of traits she wants in a partner.

BoomerKuwanger posted...

They should make a dating app for divorced people with kids to meet each other and another NMNK app.

They do have a few apps for single parents out there, like Stir. I actually tried that one. The problem though, was that it's a shitty site that pulls profiles from other sites. So half the people you message won't ever respond because they're using a completely different site. Like one woman updated her profile to say that she won't be logging on anymore because "I found my match here on match." but I was logged on to Stir, not match. Stopped using that shit site after realizing that.

But most of the big dating apps let you filter by whether your matches have kids, as well as whether or not they want kids. Most people won't try to hide the fact that they want kids.

Actually I wouldn't be surprised if both those things already exist, but my dating app experience has been that (if you're straight) if it's not Tinder, Hinge or Bumble, don't even fucking bother

Sure those are the main 3 if you're using the free sites. But if you're looking for a serious relationship, Match and eHarmony are great for filtering out the people that aren't that serious about it. Met my girlfriend on eHarmony 2 years ago and things have been amazing. We both see this relationship going the distance

Any topic about dating I really always advocate for speed dating.

Its online dating but in person. It also fast forwards to the important part. Conversation.

Its like skipping the resume stage of job searching. Being able to go straight to interviews is a godsend.

But TC is correct. I see young women dating dudes 30+ because they are stable. Not willing to work with younger guys who arent already good. Dudes are always aiming for women that look great but wont value what the guy can do. Completely ignoring the women who would.

Its a matter of not being willing to see the beyond surface level traits people have. How do they act when youre sad? How do they treat your family? Do they act different when alone with you vs with their friends?

So many traits that, tbh, are much harder to change than the surface level ones. But its ignored.

Especially in an age where people encourage not talking about serious topics early. Like dating intent or kids.

How can people expect perfect things if yall aint talking about what ideal even is?

Cuticrusader09 posted...

It was probably something else, but maybe that was the easiest excuse to drop him.

Edit, women lie all the time if they are afraid a dude wont accept the rejection well.

agreed

I don't see why anyone should settle just because their expectations are "unrealistic". There's nothing wrong with setting standards high as long as you're aware of what that entails.

TuxedoCyan posted...

I'm immature, only finished high school, not working, no money, live with parents, and ugly (although girls crushed on me in my school days so maybe I'm just overly critical of my own looks)

I don't blame anyone for me being forever alone but myself. I also don't care to change my ways because I enjoy being the way I am.

But I agree, my standards for a partner are completely 100% unrealistic. Which is why I don't bother.

This sounds like me so much except that I have a good career and own my own home. Thats not a flex as it has been no help to me in this case.

Im not good looking and even more problematic is that I cant be social for more than short bursts though. Subsequently I have no interest in even trying to be in a relationship.

IceCreamOnStero posted...

I don't see why anyone should settle just because their expectations are "unrealistic". There's nothing wrong with setting standards high as long as you're aware of what that entails.

A lot of people don't. They think they're deserving of the best and then wonder why they're single and/or lonely.

You won't hear much people say "I'm single because my standards are too high".

VeggetaX posted...

A lot of people don't. They think they're deserving of the best and then wonder why they're single and/or lonely.

You won't hear much people say "I'm single because my standards are too high".

I don't see those people wondering why they're single.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

I can see live events because you want someone you can go out with, but why does videogames matter? I would think as long as it is someone who won't judge you for playing games. Plenty of times where I am playing games in one room, and my wife is reading in the other. Hobby overlap is overrated IMO, at least for hobbies that are more individual or that you already do with friends.

FYI - my wife does play games too, but I don't think that matters too much