Board 8 > Mer Reads The Pokemon For Filth (w/ writeups and comics) [True Tea]

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Mer_Mer_Yes_Mer
06/20/12 1:40:00 PM
#1:


Yes, the long-awaited return of this project is finally here.

For the ignorant few who are uninformed, last year I started a project where I ranked 100 user-selected pokemon with writeups and comics. It was a SMASH HIT PROJECT that everyone loved. But then I ended up getting a bit stuck with the whole thing. Not because I lacked the creativity to make the comics or didn't have anything to say about the pokemon themselves, it was moreso the ranking aspect that became difficult. There was simply too many pokemon that I'm apathetic about to justify ranking them all any certain way.

So, with that said, I'm revamping this project, this time without the ranking aspect. Simply give me a pokemon and I'll skulldrag its ass to the pits, complete with a humorous comic. (Disclaimer: if a given pokemon is too much of a pal and I am unable to find substantial shade to throw, I will praise it instead. But this probably won't happen very often.)
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Mer_Mer_Yes_Mer
06/20/12 1:42:00 PM
#2:


Ditto

Ditto is basically the Katy Perry of the pokemon world in that he’s a fake ass ***** who copies everyone and pretends to be things he isn’t.

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Porygon Z

**** this thing. It’s not a friend. It can’t feel anything. It doesn’t know compassion. It doesn’t know joy. All it knows is how to suck.

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Jynx

First of all, this ***** is the most blatantly racist pokemon ever created. I will commend her for serving up post-surgery Lil Kim teas flawlessly, though. But still, Jynx ain’t ****. You can tell she thinks she’s the baddest ***** on the block, when really she’s just waiting to get her wig snatched by the next *****.

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Now go ahead and give me more pokemon to drag.

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Mer
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Mer_Mer_Yes_Mer
06/20/12 1:42:00 PM
#3:


Yamask

Yamask is ****ing creepy as **** and I do not need that. He is literally the ghost of some dead ass mother****er who wasn’t satisfied with his life so now he haunts around the ****ing desert all depressed and full of regret because his entire existence is such a piece of ****. He’s also carrying his own ****ing face. Jesus Christ, Nintendo.

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Froslass

Froslass is such a ****ing *****. The look on its face just pisses me off. You can tell Froslass loves to “troll” people and thinks its just so ****ing hilarious, when really Froslass’s attempts at humor are all completely obvious and devoid of wit. Someone needs to punch this ***** in the damn face.

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Ferrothorn

Ferrothorn looks like a damn metal uterus and that’s all I have to say about that.

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Purrugly

First of all, it has “ugly” in its name, so we already know this thing sucks ass. Purrugly basically reminds me of one of those angry overweight middle aged divorcees who are missing teeth and can’t pronounce the world “chipotle” correctly and spend all day sitting on the couch pissed off at the world. I imagine Purrugly takes out all her frustrations on her daughter for no real reason.

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Regirock

This thing is ****ing stupid and has Braille on its face. Like, what. Get out of here.

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Magikarp

There aren’t many jokes to be made about Magikarp that haven’t already been said. He’s useless. Oh, he used splash. That’s just so ****ing hilarious.

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Slaking

Slaking is ****ing disgusting. Look at him. He reminds me of an alcoholic stepdad.

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Ursaring

Ursaring makes me sad. Teddiursa is such a ****ing adorable pal, and then he evolves into this bitter *******. He basically represents shattered dreams.

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Golurk

I don’t like Golurk. I don’t like his lack of a face. I don’t like his dumbass kilt thing. I don’t get what kind of Scottish Iron Giant teas he’s trying to serve, but it’s not working. Golurk also thinks he’s special because he can fly, but **** that.

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Genesect

This mother****er is supposed to be completely legendary and badass and ****ing wonderful. Like, he’s supposed to be the ultimate man-made pokemon that can just **** up everything. Basically the pokemon equivalent of Shadow The Hedgehog. But then you look at him, and his ****ing face looks like that. Something definitely went wrong with this experiment, let me tell you.

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Stunfisk

This seriously exists.

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Mer_Mer_Yes_Mer
06/20/12 1:43:00 PM
#4:


I don't have the writeups from the first time I did this, but I have the comics, and I can remember the gist of what I said about each pokemon.

Luvdisc

Luvdisc ****ing sucks ass and I don't even need to explain myself here.

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Exeggutor

Exeggutor ****ing sucks and the only people who like it are clearly blinded by their nostalgia goggles. People act like Gen 1 was flawless, but I don't see how that can be true when it contains a piece of **** like Exeggutor. It is literally a palm tree that evolved from a ****ing pile of eggs. It has multiple heads, which is ****ing stupid. All of the egg coconut whatever the **** head things look like ****ing dumbasses, too. If there was a pokemon high school, Exeggutor would've dropped out by sophomore year.

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Klink

Who the **** decided a pokemon based on ****ing gears would be a good idea? It also has multiple heads, which makes it ****ing suck even more. I don't know what GameFREAK was trying to tell us with this, but I'm not here for it.

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Conkeldurr

First of all, it has DURR in its name. It's obviously ****ing stupid. Conkeldurr is seriously so offensively ugly, I can't believe it. Like, look at its damn face. Look at its grotesque veins popping out. Look at the giant cement pillars it's permanently holding onto for no damn reason. Look at its clown ass nose that literally covers half its face. I don't even know if that's a nose, actually. It might just be gonorrhea or something.

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Cofagrigus

First of all, this pokemon has a homophobic slur in its name, and that's not something I appreciate. Second of all, this thing is creepy as ****. It has way too many hands and you can practically tell they were designed to touch children. Look at that damn smile on its face. It's way too happy. Cofagrigus is clearly part of Nintendo's homophobic agenda, perpetuating the stereotype that all gay people are child molestors. Not cool.

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Alomomola

This mother****er. When pictures of it first leaked, everyone assumed it was a Luvdisc evolution, because hey, it's another pink, heart-shaped fish. Maybe Luvdisc would finally stop being useless by being able to evolve into something cool. Nope. It's just another god damn pink heart-shaped fish that has no relation to Luvdisc whatsoever and also ****ing sucks. Cool. This is literally the most pointless pokemon ever created.

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Dugtrio

I ****ing hate pokemon that are just a group of pre-existing pokemon. Like, what the ****. How lazy can you get, first of all? Diglett could've evolved into some badass giant mole mother****er, but instead it literally evolves into a group of three digletts. That doesn't even make sense. Like, there's three of them, but they're all somehow one pokemon? What if one day they decide they've spent enough time together? What then?

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Hydreigon

This guy’s a ****ing loser. Look at him. Look at his extra heads. Notice anything about them? The eyes don’t ****ing have pupils. That’s because they’re not actually heads. They’re Hydreigon’s hands. It literally is wearing ****ing puppets on its hands, trying to convince people it has friends, because no one is here for Hydreigon’s sorry ass.

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SuorGenoveffa
06/20/12 1:44:00 PM
#5:


HOLY MOTHER OF JESUS YES.

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SuorGenoveffa
06/20/12 1:45:00 PM
#6:


Starmie

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Jeff Zero
06/20/12 1:48:00 PM
#7:


Regirock put braille on its face because no one would ever touch it otherwise.

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XIII_rocks
06/20/12 2:01:00 PM
#8:


Best ever thing

The Zard.

I will also pick Ludicolo and Finneon on the proviso that you aggressively run them down

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TheCodeisBosco
06/20/12 2:03:00 PM
#9:


Panpour

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Murphiroth
06/20/12 2:07:00 PM
#10:


Awesome.

Oddish and Mismagius.

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"Would have liked to run tests on the seashells..."
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SuorGenoveffa
06/20/12 2:08:00 PM
#11:


Oh I can have more than one?

Beyonce and Gothitelle too then.

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GenesisSaga
06/20/12 2:10:00 PM
#12:


Trackin' this b****.

Arcanine

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Silver_Ermine
06/20/12 2:15:00 PM
#13:


Zigzagoon :O

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mcflubbin
06/20/12 2:35:00 PM
#14:


I remember these. They're so damn good.
Tropius.

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VincentLauw
06/20/12 2:37:00 PM
#15:


****. YES. The Dugtrio, Froslass, Ursaring and Golurk ones are still the best

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SuorGenoveffa
06/20/12 2:48:00 PM
#16:


Man some of these are so funny, I wanted to save them but then the topic purged.

Golurk, Jynx, Dugtrio and Purugly are especially fantastic.

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swordz9
06/20/12 2:50:00 PM
#17:


Oh man finally. Wasn't the last time the topic updated almost a year ago?

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Emporer_Kazbar
06/20/12 2:57:00 PM
#18:


Shedinja and Nosepass

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SuperNiceDog: Guru winner
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Cybat
06/20/12 3:01:00 PM
#19:


yay

Maractus

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ZX_Lucian
06/20/12 3:08:00 PM
#20:


Espeon and Kyurem.

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20three
06/20/12 3:17:00 PM
#21:


Braviary and Bandit Keith

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Ytterbium_70
06/20/12 3:17:00 PM
#22:


Jeff Zero posted...
Regirock put braille on its face because no one would ever touch it otherwise.


I must be one of Regirock's only fans...*sobs*

Beldum and Skiploom

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WazzupGenius00
06/20/12 3:47:00 PM
#23:


oh my god yes
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Pram_the_Oracle
06/20/12 3:52:00 PM
#24:


THE ZONG

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Aww, I lost to SuperNiceDog, Winner of the Rivalry Rumble Guru Contest
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PrinceKaro
06/20/12 3:52:00 PM
#25:


Tag.

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SuperNiceDog is about 20% cooler then the other gurus.
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ExThaNemesis
06/20/12 4:01:00 PM
#26:


Garchomp


god these are fantastic.

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CommodoreTN
06/20/12 5:06:00 PM
#27:


Smoochum and Meloetta

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Commodore
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Mer_Mer_Yes_Mer
06/20/12 5:46:00 PM
#28:


<3 the adoring public

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Mer
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Mer_Mer_Yes_Mer
06/22/12 4:15:00 AM
#29:


bump, will do these tomorrow

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Mer_Mer_Yes_Mer
06/23/12 3:38:00 PM
#30:


I'm a tease

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Mer
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VincentLauw
06/23/12 3:45:00 PM
#31:


damnit Mer

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Silver_Ermine
06/23/12 3:59:00 PM
#32:


Back to his old ways I see!

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SuorGenoveffa
06/23/12 4:01:00 PM
#33:


I bet he opened this thread just to tease us and he will not post anything after all.

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GenesisSaga
06/23/12 6:16:00 PM
#34:


Shut up you guys! He's gonna do it this time!

I know he will!! >_<

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Fennec... :3
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Jeff Zero
06/23/12 6:17:00 PM
#35:


He already insulted Luvdisc adequately

He can disappear for ten years now for all I care, he has done his duty for King and Country

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"we're about 50 years behind the rest of western society." -icon on B8
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CrimsonOcean
06/23/12 6:55:00 PM
#36:


Oh my god this topic

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Mer_Mer_Yes_Mer
06/23/12 7:13:00 PM
#37:


Starmie

Starmie ****ing sucks. I'm pretty sure it and Staryu are the only ones out of the original 151 pokemon that don't even have a ****ing face. Like, how can something that doesn't have a face be a pal or a friend in any capacity? Starmie doesn't feel anything for you. It can't smile. It can't comfort you when you're sad. Misty had a Starmie and seemed to favor it over her Psyduck. I get that Psyduck was a dumbass, but I mean, at least he can feel something or have an opinion on something. All Starmie can do is ****ing spin. It's just a dumbass star glued to another dumbass star with a ****ing ruby slammed into the center. It's basically a drag queen Beyblade.

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Mer
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swordz9
06/23/12 7:23:00 PM
#38:


Galvantula and Scolipede

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SuorGenoveffa
06/23/12 7:25:00 PM
#39:


Mer_Mer_Yes_Mer posted...
Starmie

Starmie ****ing sucks. I'm pretty sure it and Staryu are the only ones out of the original 151 pokemon that don't even have a ****ing face. Like, how can something that doesn't have a face be a pal or a friend in any capacity? Starmie doesn't feel anything for you. It can't smile. It can't comfort you when you're sad. Misty had a Starmie and seemed to favor it over her Psyduck. I get that Psyduck was a dumbass, but I mean, at least he can feel something or have an opinion on something. All Starmie can do is ****ing spin. It's just a dumbass star glued to another dumbass star with a ****ing ruby slammed into the center. It's basically a drag queen Beyblade.

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Misty's Starmie sucked.

I almost forgot you had subErmine pokepinions, but at least drag queen Beyblade and the comic redeemed the post.

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Ytterbium_70
06/23/12 7:54:00 PM
#40:


I love Starmie simply because you can hold it up and use it like an elemental machine-gun. Essentially, it's a living weapon.

Then again, that's a decent write-up.

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saveus_Maria
06/23/12 8:00:00 PM
#41:


From: Mer_Mer_Yes_Mer | #003
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I can honestly say I laughed out loud for like 15 seconds straight at this

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Mer_Mer_Yes_Mer
06/23/12 8:16:00 PM
#42:


From: SuorGenoveffa | #039
I almost forgot you had subErmine pokepinions, but at least drag queen Beyblade and the comic redeemed the post.

are you coming in here expecting me to say anything positive about these pokemon

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GenesisSaga
06/23/12 8:30:00 PM
#43:


Yay, another for the Friends Without Faces Aren't Friends At All Club!

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Jeff Zero
06/23/12 8:31:00 PM
#44:


Eevee.

I will brace for impact. D:

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SuorGenoveffa
06/24/12 4:52:00 AM
#45:


Mer_Mer_Yes_Mer posted...
From: SuorGenoveffa | #039
I almost forgot you had subErmine pokepinions, but at least drag queen Beyblade and the comic redeemed the post.

are you coming in here expecting me to say anything positive about these pokemon


Not really, no.

I wouldn't have said Starmie otherwise.

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VincentLauw
06/25/12 11:55:00 AM
#46:


coolio an update

we need more though

also gengar (there's no way you can hate on him)

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Tehmoosey1
06/25/12 12:13:00 PM
#47:


Scrafty.

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swordz9
06/26/12 1:57:00 PM
#48:


Bump.

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WazzupGenius00
06/26/12 2:36:00 PM
#49:


At first I was like "what the f*** is the blue thing on Bidoof's hand" and then I realized it was the Beyblade s*** and died
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SuorGenoveffa
06/26/12 2:38:00 PM
#50:


I thought it was some sort of remote control.

It is indeed much funnier now.

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