Current Events > My wife is applying for MAID (Medical assistance in death).

(+) Yeah! (+)

Ivany2008 posted...

Enjoy your time together. At least you know what is going to happen and you can prepare yourself for what is to come. It won't be easy, so just try and keep your head up. I would like to make a quick suggestion if you haven't already addressed it, and that's make sure to get general affairs in order. My uncle passed in January, and it saddens me to think of all the nonsense that my aunt had to deal with after his passing. How some companies could not understand that a dead man couldn't come in to cancel a bank account or even to change the name on the house they owned.

yeah definitely worth trying to get power of attorney or something so you can act on your wives behalf before the end and try and shore up as much of the legal gumph beforehand.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

My friend, I definitely appreciate it. I might take you up on that offer.

Did you feel... ready for it? Like, I feel like I'm ready for it. I'm at peace with it and in many ways looking forward to being able to enter the next phase of my life. I'm not "happy", but more like I am ready to no longer be a care giver to a horribly sick wife.

My situation was different. It was thrust on me. I didn't have the prep time you've had. Yes my wife was in a shitty situation where privately I thought death was better for her than laying in that bed 24/7. When I was presented with it so suddenly it crushed me. You know how you see in Hollywood where the characters drop to the floor crying or wailing and you think "now that's a bit much isn't it?" Well it happened after she left with the funeral home director. I understand your desire to be out of the caretaker role and back to your old life but once it's gone you don't know what to do with yourself. I should've really started plowing through my video game back log but I just watched TV and ready to get up to help her knowing it was never coming. Getting out of that head space is harder than you think. You'll probably stop sleeping in your bedroom. I let my son have my wife's bedroom, the master bedroom btw, because that's where it all happened and I just couldn't be in there. I hope I answered your questions. I did kinda wall of text here. I hope you two make your remaining time the best ever and she goes out happy and feeling completely and truly loved. Btw how did that tattoo design come out? I kinda lost track of that one.

DarthDemented posted...

My situation was different. It was thrust on me. I didn't have the prep time you've had. Yes my wife was in a shitty situation where privately I thought death was better for her than laying in that bed 24/7. When I was presented with it so suddenly it crushed me. You know how you see in Hollywood where the characters drop to the floor crying or wailing and you think "now that's a bit much isn't it?" Well it happened after she left with the funeral home director. I understand your desire to be out of the caretaker role and back to your old life but once it's gone you don't know what to do with yourself. I should've really started plowing through my video game back log but I just watched TV and ready to get up to help her knowing it was never coming. Getting out of that head space is harder than you think. You'll probably stop sleeping in your bedroom. I let my son have my wife's bedroom, the master bedroom btw, because that's where it all happened and I just couldn't be in there. I hope I answered your questions. I did kinda wall of text here. I hope you two make your remaining time the best ever and she goes out happy and feeling completely and truly loved. Btw how did that tattoo design come out? I kinda lost track of that one.

I have been working with my psychologist about the whole like... who am I outside of being a caregiver to my wife. Like, realistically, I have lived and worked pretty much exclusively to take care of her for the past 6-7 years. Beyond being a widow after my wife passes... like, who am I? I know I am good at my job, I know I am a good friend, a good member of my family. But who am I outside of that? I'm not co-dependent or anything like that, but I've definitely become the caregiver to my wife more than anything else.

It scares me that people who know me as a pair will only really know me moving forward as a widow, as half of a whole.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

I have been working with my psychologist about the whole like... who am I outside of being a caregiver to my wife. Like, realistically, I have lived and worked pretty much exclusively to take care of her for the past 6-7 years. Beyond being a widow after my wife passes... like, who am I? I know I am good at my job, I know I am a good friend, a good member of my family. But who am I outside of that? I'm not co-dependent or anything like that, but I've definitely become the caregiver to my wife more than anything else.

It scares me that people who know me as a pair will only really know me moving forward as a widow, as half of a whole.

I actually avoided family functions for awhile after my wife passed. I have those well meaning, yet insensitive, family members who'd want to talk about it or bring it up constantly like it's my whole identity at the time. They seem to get it because after awhile when I did start going again no one ever brought it up. Finding an identity can be hard. I get what you mean though. Your job can't define you, being a good friend or family member can't define you. What does define you? I'm still trying to find out what defines me while still going on with life since I do have to be dad and provider for my kid. That's the shitty part isn't it? The fact the world goes on while you still feel lost.

I'm trying my best to embrace the fact that things will move on. I will move on. We don't have kids so I won't have that element to like, both enrich my life but also remind me what I had you know? I can't imagine having to become like a single parent (though I believe you are in another relationship or were a few months ago) beyond all this. Like I imagine it would be both terrifying and yet the one thing that really pushes you to try to be your best every day, whatever best is at the time.

I've got a week off planned for after my wife passes away to set things in order. I'm already planning on maybe getting a new mattress. My parents have a fairly new leather couch so I will be able to replace our old one. A lot of her older clothes have been donated already, etc.

I am thinking of creating an email to send to my employees to just get everything out there. My immediate colleagues and my bosses know what is going on and have known for months my journey. I think being able to be open and talk about it with my employees and just take the time to do all the awkward conversations and reactions of others right away might help me move on quicker?

you are correct. My wife and I had the conversation about moving on several years before we even knew I'd be in this situation and she always insisted that I move on and find happiness with someone else and I have. As far as making things easier I don't know for sure. For me it was hard. Really hard. The terror of that night comes rushing back every time I have to recount that night.

DarthDemented posted...

you are correct. My wife and I had the conversation about moving on several years before we even knew I'd be in this situation and she always insisted that I move on and find happiness with someone else and I have. As far as making things easier I don't know for sure. For me it was hard. Really hard. The terror of that night comes rushing back every time I have to recount that night.

I think the slow process of all this happening and my wife being able to choose how she leaves this life will make a difference. I know this is what she wants, how she wants it, and is in the frame of mind to make those decisions. From the sounds of it you literally get the same meds you get if you are going under for surgery, and then when you are under the gas you get meds to stop your heart. Literally you just go to sleep and that is it.

I say all those before it happens. I could very easily see myself just being a wreck.

You will be buddy. An absolute wreck. Take your time before driving home. Don't let anyone rush you through the grieving process or try to set you up with someone if you're not ready yet.

DarthDemented posted...

You will be buddy. An absolute wreck. Take your time before driving home. Don't let anyone rush you through the grieving process or try to set you up with someone if you're not ready yet.

I'm traveling out of town so I'm gonna be flying back rather than driving. I'm sure my older sister will pick me up from the airport when I return.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

I'm traveling out of town so I'm gonna be flying back rather than driving. I'm sure my older sister will pick me up from the airport when I return.

Well that's good. Mental and emotional state may not be in a great state.

https://youtu.be/u6wOyMUs74I

I know my wife is still with me now but this song hits me already. Fuckin Ed Sheeran. XD

Edit - Well, now that we are doing sad songs, this one too.

https://youtu.be/KtlgYxa6BMU

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

I think the slow process of all this happening and my wife being able to choose how she leaves this life will make a difference. I know this is what she wants, how she wants it, and is in the frame of mind to make those decisions. From the sounds of it you literally get the same meds you get if you are going under for surgery, and then when you are under the gas you get meds to stop your heart. Literally you just go to sleep and that is it.

I say all those before it happens. I could very easily see myself just being a wreck.

Mad respect for both of you, your strength and her will to preserve her dignity trough all this. Can't lie, i never experienced something like this nor even pretend to understand, But i have saw and experience close family wasting away from disease and then very recently a stroke that left the person barely concious.

All the best wishes in the process and aftermath.

https://youtu.be/qMkQExuzL_0

Goodnight and joy be too you all

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

I think the slow process of all this happening and my wife being able to choose how she leaves this life will make a difference. I know this is what she wants, how she wants it, and is in the frame of mind to make those decisions. From the sounds of it you literally get the same meds you get if you are going under for surgery, and then when you are under the gas you get meds to stop your heart. Literally you just go to sleep and that is it.

I say all those before it happens. I could very easily see myself just being a wreck.

Hey man, I have been following all of this and really respect your support and empathize with what you are going through. Sounds really rough, and you are such a good dude.

I have a question that may be considered inconsiderate but it is from lack of knowledge (and maybe it has been answered already). What would happen if she simply took too much medication on her own? Is this not an option for insurance reasons or religious reasons or...? I only ask this because of posts like the below, where the "assistance" just seems to be almost unnecessary.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

I know this is what she wants, how she wants it, and is in the frame of mind to make those decisions. From the sounds of it you literally get the same meds you get if you are going under for surgery, and then when you are under the gas you get meds to stop your heart. Literally you just go to sleep and that is it.

Well the meds are not available through legal channels. My wife also does not want to commit suicide? Like, this IS sort of a form of suicide but it isn't. It is a legal thing and justified by medical professionals.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

Well the meds are not available through legal channels. My wife also does not want to commit suicide? Like, this IS sort of a form of suicide but it isn't. It is a legal thing and justified by medical professionals.

Yeah, I get it. There are some lines we are not willing to cross. And I am definitely anti-suicide in 99% of cases, but I get the nuance with her situation.

Is your own health journey still going well? I know you have cut down a lot of weight.

bsp77 posted...

Yeah, I get it. There are some lines we are not willing to cross. And I am definitely anti-suicide in 99% of cases, but I get the nuance with her situation.

Is your own health journey still going well? I know you have cut down a lot of weight.

Not too bad all things considered. I've been snacking a lot lately as that is my ultimate coping mechanism. But I'm not in terrible shape and trying my best to do things within reason.

We're with you homie

2 weeks away or so. So many different emotions

You're in my thoughts.

Just found out my grans going to be gone in a few weeks today so while the scale is different Ill be joining you on this fucked yo journey. Sigh.

SHRlKE posted...

Just found out my grans going to be gone in a few weeks today so while the scale is different Ill be joining you on this fucked yo journey. Sigh.

So sorry! Hope you can talk with her before she's gone.

SHRlKE posted...

Just found out my grans going to be gone in a few weeks today so while the scale is different Ill be joining you on this fucked yo journey. Sigh.

That is so unfortunate to hear. Sorry that you're going through that.

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/user_image/8/4/8/AAfJPkAADOwA.jpg

Might be hearing from the second assessor this week. The one who was gonna do it had to step aside due to some personal stuff going on, so maybe this new one will do it over video call and we don't have to do a trip up beyond the actual use of MAID

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

I think the slow process of all this happening and my wife being able to choose how she leaves this life will make a difference. I know this is what she wants, how she wants it, and is in the frame of mind to make those decisions. From the sounds of it you literally get the same meds you get if you are going under for surgery, and then when you are under the gas you get meds to stop your heart. Literally you just go to sleep and that is it.

I say all those before it happens. I could very easily see myself just being a wreck.

As someone who has experienced a significant loss, I highly recommend some therapy sessions, and perhaps see if there are any local support groups for widowers.

Just being able to talk about your feelings as you work through them is immensely helpful, especially in a support group setting where you will be with people who can relate better to what you're dealing with because they are dealing with it too.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

Might be hearing from the second assessor this week. The one who was gonna do it had to step aside due to some personal stuff going on, so maybe this new one will do it over video call and we don't have to do a trip up beyond the actual use of MAID

So you don't have anything definite yet? Damn, this has gotta be it's own ball of stress.

My wife has terminal cancer (and getting worse) so I can kinda relate with knowing someone will be taken from you in a matter of time and there's nothing really to be done about it. It's one of the worst things I've ever been through and being positive is really all that matters but damn it's hard...I'm sorry for you TC

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

Might be hearing from the second assessor this week. The one who was gonna do it had to step aside due to some personal stuff going on, so maybe this new one will do it over video call and we don't have to do a trip up beyond the actual use of MAID

I'm a little confused. It sounds like you already have a set date, but it's still contingent on a second assessor?

TaylorHeinicke posted...

I'm a little confused. It sounds like you already have a set date, but it's still contingent on a second assessor?

It's a complex situation. The first assessor is having us plan for June 25th as being the date she passes away. Originally we had a second assessor set in her office on the 23rd, but he had to step aside.

She can't SAY it's going to happen because the second assessor COULD disagree, but she seems pretty confident.

With the second assessor changing, it is another wrinkle. But we haven't been told to change our plans yet.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

The first assessor is having us plan for June 25th as being the date she passes away. Originally we had a second assessor set in her office on the 23rd, but he had to step aside.

Even with a planned end offering more closure than typical arbitrary death dates, it seems so wrenching and cruel to have bureaucracy push the dates forward of back like that.

Wishing you both peace and love.

Second assessor will be chatting with my wife in the morning. She is a big ball of anxiety and very nervous. Having already heard a no from others she is assuming it will also be a no once more.

It is weird to say that I am hoping for a yes, but that is the reality of the situation. I will update the topic in the morning when we know more.

My bad if it's already been discussed, and I'm not sure if it has, however a few years ago a Swiss company had developed a sarco pod, which is an assisted suicide device that you don't need a doctor for, though there's likely still some sort of approval process.

I can't seem to find confirmation if they're currently in use or if it was permanently quashed, however if they are operational and assisting non-Swiss citizens, may be an option.

https://www.bbc.com/news/technology-59577162

salute

My sympathies.

I wish your wife peace, TC, and hope the second assessor gives you a yes. Just make sure to use the time left to you. Even just little things like getting some photos or having a date night can end up bring a comfort in the days to come. Just be assured that even though it's her choice and even though you're on-board with the process and supporting her, it's 100% okay to react any emotional way afterwards. The death of a spouse is no less a tragedy just because it was planned or chosen. There's also nothing wrong if you're emotionally fine.

My best wishes for you both.

From my wife's perspective the second assessor was not very good. Seemed more concerned about her personal life what I think of what's Happening and how she even heard about the program in comparison to her physical ailments. He is gone next week so we won't hear until the 26th what his determination is. My wife is not feeling very positive on it. Feels very much like what the other doctors were like who declined her a few months ago.

She meets with the first assessor over Zoom on Monday so maybe she will have some ideas.

What an awful roadblock in the process. It sounded like it was going smoothly until this.

Hope you make a part 2 topic so everyone can continue to support you man.

I'm so sorry.

499 posts in eh?

Thanks for all the support everyone. It has been a trip. Maybe one of the longest topics to get to 500 I've ever made. Hopefully I don't make it to another 500 before my wife is allowed to use MAID.

I think for the next topic (Yes I will continue it) I might try every couple days to write a little story of our time together. How we met, some wonderful memories we've made together. Rather than it being pretty much devoted to this exhausting process, also a bit of a personal memorial of my wife for me as well? I dunno, remind myself every day about those little things I love about my wife.

My wife beat Tears of the Kingdom today. Something I love about her is that she wants to race to get to the end at times. (Funny, someone who wants to race to the end getting MAID? LOL!). By her own admission I think she maybe got to like... 65% completion? She just hit a point where she was like, "Yeah I get it, let's beat this fucking game" and just went. Her first attempt she didn't even have the Master Sword fully back in her power, which again is just shocking to me.

She's the kind of person who will read the ending to see if the journey will be worth it, ya know? She also LOVES when she knows the ending and watching others try to piece it all together first. She adores when I theory craft for something she has completed already. She struggles not just blurting out if I'm right or wrong, but has gotten a lot better over the years at just smiling at my commentary and shrugging her shoulders.

=D

500!