Current Events > My wife is applying for MAID (Medical assistance in death).

(+) Yeah! (+)

oh man, that's rough. i wish you guys the best. i hope she finds peace with her decision.

Update!

We hear on Tuesday whether or not my wife will be granted her request.

I am nervous regardless.

Hoping for you bro.

if it is granted what happens then?

SHRlKE posted...

Hoping for you bro.

if it is granted what happens then?

I believe literally from that point forward all my wife has to do is set up a time for the process to happen. They basically use medications to put someone to sleep and then use other medications to stop their heart and they pass away. They also use something to constrict the muscles so the patient does not void their bowels? This also can be done almost anywhere that isn't a huge public setting.

So once its all signed off its pretty much all done and just a case of booking the day? I didnt realise it was like that in terms of this is pretty much that far along. I have no idea how Id feel about that.

Fuck me it just hit home how real this is now.

I kinda feel weird saying I hope you get what you want but I hope you get the outcome you want. Ive seen loved ones in a similar situation and I get why youd want to do this but its still fucking sucks. You are stronger than I will ever be.

Have you seen the Terry Pratchett documentary where he talks about this? He visits an end of life clinic and you actually see how it works. Its very dignified and very peaceful and I completely understand why someone would want to go that route when faced with certain alternatives.

I wont post it but its called (trigger warning obviously due to the subject matter) Terry Pratchett: Choosing to Die and its easily viewable on Vimeo.

good luck brother

I imagine there's a bit of a shifted focus to the time left if and when this is approved.

I hope the best for you in this process, and that it is the way that serves best and bringing peace to you and your wife.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

To make a long story very short, my wife has a multitude of complex medical problems which has no real treatment. Chief among these is Ehlors Danlos which causes her body to rip and tear very easily (her body does not produce and use collagen correctly) and something called MCAS, which makes her VERY allergic to a whole range of different items. From allergies to many food items to medicines to daily products like soaps and fragrances.

On top of this now it seems that she has some sort of immunosuppression disease which leads her to being consistently battling infections and other illnesses. Ehlors Danlos typically ends up killing someone by one of their major organs ripping. She's already had a lot of heart problems which has led to her having a pacemaker in her mid 20's, for example. She has no real pain management available and as such she is consistently in pain and discomfort without a plan to alleviate such things.

Rather than wait for further deterioration, my wife is applying for Medical Assistance in Death. Multiple doctors have to look into her medical history and agree that there is no opportunity for things to improve in a significant way, and then you wait at least 90 days after that. You can change your mind at any point and you can choose to it at any time after those 90 days if you are accepted.

I am this odd mixture of devastated but also happy my wife will not need to live in constant pain? I'm not sure how you even START doing all this as the one who will be left. I have a wonderful family and support structure around me. I WILL be fine... but I'm not always fine right now even though it isn't an assured thing yet.

Why make the topic? I dunno, help me work out my own shit about it? Maybe talk with some people who have gone through similar shit? I dunno.

It fucking sucks to watch someone you love being ripped away from you. Im sorry man. Anyway we can help with money or donations?

I've pretty much just broken down on my drive to work. A lot of tears and fear. How are you supposed to know how to do all this? I try to be as logical as I can be about it all but like... if they say yes tomorrow by like Friday I can be living my life without her.

I'm not saying life isn't worth it or anything like that. I have a wonderful job, friends, family. I have it all. I WILL be OK I just don't know how to do this.

I'm scared.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

I've pretty much just broken down on my drive to work. A lot of tears and fear. How are you supposed to know how to do all this? I try to be as logical as I can be about it all but like... if they say yes tomorrow by like Friday I can be living my life without her.

I'm not saying life isn't worth it or anything like that. I have a wonderful job, friends, family. I have it all. I WILL be OK I just don't know how to do this.

I'm scared.

Damn man youre making me tear up here. I think its time to reach out to your support network if you have one (family or close friends). Share this pain with them. They will be able to take it.

More importantly please know that its ok to feel like this. Its normal. It fucking sucks but you will get through this. Embrace how you are feeling and let it flow over you.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

I've pretty much just broken down on my drive to work. A lot of tears and fear. How are you supposed to know how to do all this? I try to be as logical as I can be about it all but like... if they say yes tomorrow by like Friday I can be living my life without her.

I'm not saying life isn't worth it or anything like that. I have a wonderful job, friends, family. I have it all. I WILL be OK I just don't know how to do this.

I'm scared.

Didn't your first post say there's a 90 day waiting period after acceptance? I understand your fear though. Anxiety about these things are a bitch aren't they? It's been almost two years since losing my wife but that depression and anxiety about her not being here still pops up every now and then.

DarthDemented posted...

Didn't your first post say there's a 90 day waiting period after acceptance? I understand your fear though. Anxiety about these things are a bitch aren't they? It's been almost two years since losing my wife but that depression and anxiety about her not being here still pops up every now and then.

The 90 days is from first applying... so that was technically over 90 days ago? Lol

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

I've pretty much just broken down on my drive to work. A lot of tears and fear. How are you supposed to know how to do all this? I try to be as logical as I can be about it all but like... if they say yes tomorrow by like Friday I can be living my life without her.

I'm not saying life isn't worth it or anything like that. I have a wonderful job, friends, family. I have it all. I WILL be OK I just don't know how to do this.

I'm scared.

:(

sorry man. I am so sorry

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

The 90 days is from first applying... so that was technically over 90 days ago? Lol

Ah, ok. Gotcha. Figured I misunderstanding something in there. Surely she has no plans to just jump right into it as soon as y'all get the acceptance.

I am feeling a bit better now. Think I just needed to feel those feelings and be in that moment.

I am scared and that is OK. I am anxious and that is OK.

Didn't sleep much last night which is compounding stuff of course, but I'm getting through it.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

I am feeling a bit better now. Think I just needed to feel those feelings and be in that moment.

I am scared and that is OK. I am anxious and that is OK.

Didn't sleep much last night which is compounding stuff of course, but I'm getting through it.

Yeah, lack of sleep doesn't help. Sometimes you just need to get it out.

I guess one way to try to keep in mind is just trying to imagine being in her shoes, and what she'd want you to do.

It's heavy no doubt. I have no idea what this is like firsthand, but I think you've been doing as best as job as can be done in this process that has been thrown a mix of frustration to go with it.

Apparently yesterday I made my wife burst into tears just by telling her I am taking the day off work to be at her meeting.

I guess it is easier to just pretend it doesn't impact me.

Slept better last night compared to Sunday oddly enough.

We meet with the assessor at 1pm. We are anticipating a no but gotta be emotionally prepared for either answer.

Good luck bro. Thinking of you.

SHRlKE posted...

Good luck bro. Thinking of you.

Thanks! We should be chatting with her shortly, next like 15-20 minutes.

Nervous.

Me too. For you. For what its worth.

Man my gut still drops out just thinking about it. All the love to you and her.

She has been denied MAID at this time.

=/

Seems the main thing is that her Ehlers Danlos specialist said that her specific type of Ehlers does not, in his opinion, meet the requirements.

Which I mean, I guess he is allowed his opinion but fuck sakes.

Man

This has been a real push and pull experience

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

I am this odd mixture of devastated but also happy my wife will not need to live in constant pain? I'm not sure how you even START doing all this as the one who will be left. I have a wonderful family and support structure around me. I WILL be fine... but I'm not always fine right now even though it isn't an assured thing yet.

Why make the topic? I dunno, help me work out my own shit about it? Maybe talk with some people who have gone through similar shit? I dunno.

That bit hit hard for me. My mom always had MS, she was diagnosed with it when I was 5. She had the progressive kind. I always knew she wouldn't get old. In the end she was literally trapped in her own body. So to see you say that you are both devastated and relieved is something I understand very well. You are devastated over the loss of your loved one, but at the same tome your are relieved for them that it is finally over.

And how hard it may be to admit, because it still is for me: after my mom died I felt lighter, like a weight was off my shoulders. Not having to worry about her anymore.

And it is okay to have these thoughts. It is never simple.

I haven't met her Ehlers specialist but she has a meeting in March... but given recent revelations I feel like he isn't a patient first doctor? He legit thinks he will find treatment for everyone and that everyone should fight through everything that comes their way to give him his shot to fix things.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

I haven't met her Ehlers specialist but she has a meeting in March... but given recent revelations I feel like he isn't a patient first doctor? He legit thinks he will find treatment for everyone and that everyone should fight through everything that comes their way to give him his shot to fix things.

Well it might be true that a cure will be found, but what is the timeframe? I mean, if it is more than 2 decades off?

Also, I know little of EDs, but can it cause permanent damage? Like you said ripping an organ. Can your wife already have damaged organs? Because if so, a cure wouldn't help her with the pain that might cause, even if the cure is here tomorrow. So yeah, that doesn't sound like a good doctor to me.

What a mind fuck.

On one hand Im relieved for you because the idea that if shed have been accepted she could be gone in what sounds like weeks is really fucking scary for me as I have close family with medical conditions as well (nothing as debilitating as your wifes).

On the flip side Ive seen close family go through cancer and know how stressful and unending watching someone go through that over a number of years / months can be so can completely appreciate why youd want to look at something like MAID as well.

I have no words. Whatever the outcome it was going to be shit to deal with. You are stronger than I would ever be and you have my complete admiration. Life is shit man. There will be a life after this for you but you seem clued you enough to know that but what you guys are going through... like I said what a mind fuck.

Just to give a bit of an update I guess.

My wife is going to look into other provinces potentially... as each province has their own rules and whatnot about it. Kinda seems like the door is shut on it here until either her condition deteriorates or mental health factors get added to MAID next year.

I'm obviously very conflicted about it all. I love my wife dearly and I love the time we spend together so the prospect of having more time together does make me happy. That being said, I know she continues to suffer and feel like a weight on me (financially it is very difficult) and she doesn't have options for pain management or even for depression really.

That's terrible. Would you have to relocate to another province?

FortuneCookie posted...

That's terrible. Would you have to relocate to another province?

Every province is different. Some say they will only do it for residents, others say as long as the medical professionals agree with it, you just have to BE in the province to have it done.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

Just to give a bit of an update I guess.

My wife is going to look into other provinces potentially... as each province has their own rules and whatnot about it. Kinda seems like the door is shut on it here until either her condition deteriorates or mental health factors get added to MAID next year.

I'm obviously very conflicted about it all. I love my wife dearly and I love the time we spend together so the prospect of having more time together does make me happy. That being said, I know she continues to suffer and feel like a weight on me (financially it is very difficult) and she doesn't have options for pain management or even for depression really.

My sympathies. I would say try not to be bothered by the conflicted feelings. Allow yourself to be both happy and sad

Helping to keep this up since hogwarts legacy really pushed a lot of topics back.

My wife will try out BC. Someone from Dying with Dignity said that was likely her best opportunity.

Likely gonna be some time before another update. Not sure if I'm gonna keep the topic updated continually or make a new one later? Lol

I get that if news is gonna be slow. You don't owe us anything so just if you need to vent we'll be here.

I'm sorry your wife and you are going through this. I can't imagine how tough this all is on both of you.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

Likely gonna be some time before another update. Not sure if I'm gonna keep the topic updated continually or make a new one later? Lol

Which one do you think is better?

up

Meh it feels kinda weird to be bumping this. Let Op be the one who decides what happens with the topic. There is a fine line between wanting the best for TC and bumping it out of some morbid curiosity.

SHRlKE posted...

Meh it feels kinda weird to be bumping this. Let Op be the one who decides what happens with the topic. There is a fine line between wanting the best for TC and bumping it out of some morbid curiosity.

I had messaged him the post before it and he said it was ok. I'm just waiting for a new answer now.

It's alright guys, not like it isn't on my mind. We still await word from BC doctor to see if they will try to take on the case.

Bump

And good luck, best wishes and positive vibes go towards you and your wife.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

It's alright guys, not like it isn't on my mind. We still await word from BC doctor to see if they will try to take on the case.

how long are you anticipating that to take? even if it's just a yes or no towards even hearing the case

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

It's alright guys, not like it isn't on my mind. We still await word from BC doctor to see if they will try to take on the case.

Thanks, and hopefully things turn out well.

I have an update.

My wife had decided to appeal the decision since she felt she wasn't given a fair second assessment. Without really any warning the dude who runs it all called my wife at 2pm yesterday, said he was gonna come over to chat with her, and then did just that.

I was at work so I wasn't there with her. From my wife's perspective she feels like he cared more than the second assessor and seemed a lot more thoughtful.

We shall see what comes of it.