Koga, I've mentioned this in the past but it bears repeating. Your two main issues are that you still live with/surround yourself with your abusers and you live in a small country town with nothing going on. You need to find a way to relocate to a larger area away from your family. Distancing yourself from your family will help you with your self worth. The population of a city will allow you to look into the groups and events where you can meet new people. The city will also have licensed professional therapists. Who you went to in the past was not a therapist in any way, shape, or form.I don't want to have to move. I just want to add new people to my current life. I'm not sure I'd do well in a city either... I mean, I guess it could work. But I think I'd still have similar issues.
Bro sameWait, what? Aren't you dating someone from ce?
Wait, what? Aren't you dating someone from ce?Yeah but I mean they aren't a WOMAN
Yeah but I mean they aren't a WOMANOh, ok. Either way, I'm happy for you guys. Seem like a great couple and are good for each other.
Oh, ok. Either way, I'm happy for you guys. Seem like a great couple and are good for each other.Thanks!! I appreciate that. Sorry if it came off as I was bragging or something. I hope you're able to feel fulfilled with life bro.
I don't want to have to move. I just want to add new people to my current life. I'm not sure I'd do well in a city either... I mean, I guess it could work. But I think I'd still have similar issues.But that's not reasonable considering how small your town is. There's no one new there to meet. Also when I say city, I mean a couple of the small cities near you. Nothing close to NYC or anything overwhelming like that. You would be fine in a small city. You know I grew up in a similar small town and was content there. Once I was forced to move to a city though, I realized how much was lacking living in that small town. My social life improved dramatically.
But that's not reasonable considering how small your town is. There's no one new there to meet. Also when I say city, I mean a couple of the small cities near you. Nothing close to NYC or anything overwhelming like that. You would be fine in a small city. You know I grew up in a similar small town and was content there. Once I was forced to move to a city though, I realized how much was lacking living in that small town. My social life improved dramatically.I know, but you had found plenty of success in your hometown before you left. Everyone else here manages somehow too. I just don't understand why I'm the only one left out.
My first time was very similar feeling. I've been with... A lot of women and honestly it's been a largely empty experience. Sex with someone you love really is drastically different.This.
As a fellow sufferer of severe social anxiety, all I can say is good luck KogaSteelfang. I gave up two decades ago. I'm 42 and have never even tried.If you don't try, you don't gain. The social anxiety I've always had made it hard. I made it better by running a retail business. One thing I learned from that is you have to put yourself out there. Don't be afraid. You will get discouraged but dust yourself off try again
I know, but you had found plenty of success in your hometown before you left. Everyone else here manages somehow too. I just don't understand why I'm the only one left out.That doesn't negate my point that there is little to no opportunity in your town. Putting distance between you and your family who take advantage of you, even if you move to another small town, will benefit you immensely. You're a great guy and I think you'd find a lot of success if you went out on your own and presented yourself to a larger group of people.
If you don't try, you don't gain. The social anxiety I've always had made it hard. I made it better by running a retail business. One thing I learned from that is you have to put yourself out there. Don't be afraid. You will get discouraged but dust yourself off try againYeah I get all that and I get this advice all the time, but being told what to do and to actually do it are two totally different things. The problem is, I like not working. I like not going out in public. I like not having responsibilities. I like not being an adult. So while I would like a gf, I don't think I can get one or deserve to have one.
Maybe my gay privilege is showing, but I find it hard to believe that in this day and age (where dating apps reign supreme) that someone can have such a difficult time finding someone to sleep with.As a bi man, it's insanely easier to cruise for dudes. Just saying. It's not even close to the same experience. Dicks rain from the sky.
That doesn't negate my point that there is little to no opportunity in your town. Putting distance between you and your family who take advantage of you, even if you move to another small town, will benefit you immensely. You're a great guy and I think you'd find a lot of success if you went out on your own and presented yourself to a larger group of people.I see what you're saying, but also feels like it's a "Doesn't matter that me and everyone around you succeed in the same conditions you're in, what matters is that you can't."
As a bi man, it's insanely easier to cruise for dudes. Just saying. It's not even close to the same experience. Dicks rain from the sky.Thats true.
I see what you're saying, but also feels like it's a "Doesn't matter that me and everyone around you succeed in the same conditions you're in, what matters is that you can't."I see why you feel that way but this is a topic about you so yeah it is about you. The value of my advice isnt determined by my success or failure. To be clear, my "success" while still living in my hometown wasn't as big as you assume and came with a lot of caveats. Also despite us both coming from small towns, we were not brought up in the same conditions. I did not go through all the abuse you did. I do not have all the trauma you unfortunately do. The issues I had with my mom are miniscule compared to your situation.
Maybe my gay privilege is showing, but I find it hard to believe that in this day and age (where dating apps reign supreme) that someone can have such a difficult time finding someone to sleep with.
So, there's a vain hope that bluntly pointing out how living a life like this is neither normal nor justified might inspire change where the decency of others failed, but mostly its sheer frustration.
Uh, yes it is. It's entirely possible for someone to just not have a personality suited for intimacy. Happens to straight guys a lot due to the expectations they generally face with regards to assertiveness and the like.Naturally having a relatively low desire for intimacy is quite a bit different from actively wanting sex and relationships, but failing to get it.
Naturally having a relatively low desire for intimacy is quite a bit different from actively wanting sex and relationships, but failing to get it.
And knowing how and when to be assertive when appropriate is a skill that people should and most do develop. Passive people might not get it as often, but they still usually manage something of a healthy sex life precisely because they can adapt to a given social situation when needed without feeling like they're compromising their core personality.
TC isn't an incel.Admittedly, I find incel to be a bit of a misnomer since no ones celibacy is actually involuntary (unless you are physically incapable), but the TC is someone who wants sex and isn't getting it and uses his psychological issues as a reason to not really try (and, again, I concede that he's got more excuse than most, but, still, lamenting a problem in your life, yet refusing to do much about it isn't exactly a great look). He's not misogynistic, which is great and certainly puts him above a lot of others, but he fits the definition in most respects.
Stop confusing "normal guy with hangups who hasn't fucked" with "incel".
TC isn't an incel.Yeah I'm an incel and I agree that TC isn't an incel. He's not welcome in my incel club sadly, it's invite only.
Stop confusing "normal guy with hangups who hasn't fucked" with "incel".
I'm unsure about that. While only some men I know aren't intimately assertive, almost no women I know are. Or at least, they aren't in the initial stages of dating. Expectations for mastery of this skill seem to differ.Yeah, I'll concede that gender expectations are different. But even if they prefer to not use it for intimacy, most well adjusted women are capable of being assertive in other areas of their life. The men who aren't being assertive in their love lives usually aren't being particularly assertive in general, either. Which is why a lot (though not all) of sexless individuals often aren't having a great time in other facets of their life, either.
Admittedly, I find incel to be a bit of a misnomer since no ones celibacy is actually involuntary (unless you are physically incapable), but the TC is someone who wants sex and isn't getting it and uses his psychological issues as a reason to not really try (and, again, I concede that he's got more excuse than most, but, still, lamenting a problem in your life, yet refusing to do much about it isn't exactly a great look). He's not misogynistic, which is great and certainly puts him above a lot of others, but he fits the definition in most respects.I don't generally claim this, as I have not been diagnosed with it so it seems dumb to claim it... But this seems to be 100% accurate.
Always learn so much from your posts, Gladius. Super grateful for youLol what is this?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidant_personality_disorderTIL there is a name for the way I am
TIL there is a name for the way I amI know, right? It was surprised at how everything lined up. I didn't know such a thing existed, but a poster suggested I look into it about a year ago or so, and it's a perfect match.
Koga, after reading this topic I have two pieces of advice.
1) See a therapist. A real one, not some dude who was practicing psychiatry in the fucking 60s. Therapy is not really a cure, but they can give you the tools you need to improve, or learn how to handle your hang-ups.
2) Just meet people. I know that's not an easy thing, but you don't get better at stuff by not practicing. Don't go at it with the goal of getting into a relationship, just meet people. Talk to people. Hang out with people. You don't have to be the life of the party, just get some solid experience with other people in a safe environment. When I went to college I had such bad social anxiety I literally didn't leave my dorm room for a solid week, except to walk 20 feet down the hall to microwave food. And it took me 10 minutes to pysch myself up for that. I still have social anxiety, but the only thing that made me able to deal with it was being social.
I guess, also, 3) Move some where that allows you to do both of the above. You don't necessarily have to live in a big city. If you can drive, at least live near a place that has stuff going on. And if your family is making you feel bad about yourself, get the fuck away from them.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidant_personality_disorderI also didn't know about this.
https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/forum/4/4ac837d5.jpgInteresting. From left to right, I have 5/6, 7/13, and 0/5.
I know, right? It was surprised at how everything lined up. I didn't know such a thing existed, but a poster suggested I look into it about a year ago or so, and it's a perfect match.I've had better luck than you in that I have wonderful parents and never had to deal with dangerously reckless "professional" help, but I still find myself resonating with all of your posts regarding feelings of self-loathing and general ineptitude.
Like I said, I'm not fully comfortable claiming that since I haven't been diagnosed. But it certainly seems likely given how everything lines up.
Sorry you're dealing with the same things. Hopefully you've had better luck than I have.
I know the word "virgin" gets thrown around as an insult, but it's really not something you should be ashamed of. I think as a society, especially the Millenial/Gen Z generation, we're getting better at accepting that not everyone will share the same goals in path as everyone. Never feel left out or pressure that you haven't dated or slept with anyone.
Dating apps definitely fucked everything up lolDating apps aren't the problem for TC